This is my new family! I have step-brothers... I don't really know how to have brothers -- but I am learning? That is Childs next to Elyse and Corey on the right. Corey is getting married in February! And the dog is DJ... she lives with my dad and is WAYYYY more spoiled than Elyse or I ever was 

This is me and Ozge at the big homecoming bonfire ... it was quite the experience for her -- flames, inflatable toys, dancing, it was REAL fun! 

Lessons From Timothy (and Co.)

Just as the vision begins to fade and confusion mingles with my certainty, the faithful shepherd senses my wandering and patiently beckons me home…

I hear in His voice the tenderness of a Father who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. (1Tim2:4)

Because this desire burns in Your heart it must be kindled in mine too. To burn up with passion for all men to see Truth exalted – I will not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord and I will join in suffering for the gospel according to the power of God. (2Tim1:8)

I was not ‘saved’ so I could continue to live in the pit – but I have been lifted and rescued and therefore do not count my life as my own. I know that He has called me with a holy calling, not according to my works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted me in Christ Jesus from all eternity. (2Tim1:9)

This holy calling is to preach the good news and I can’t be content to wait around here for the lost to find me when I know where there are millions just waiting.

Sometimes my flesh rebels and I think I can’t do it or just don’t want to – but, in the end it comes down to simply this … I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God. (Acts20:24)

Yeah, Some people think it is folly to seemingly throw my life away like this, but I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. (2Tim1:12)

It would be easier to pretend that my purpose in life is just to love God and enjoy the world He created… but no soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.(2Tim2:4)

I will not be deceived by lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power, (2Tim3:4-5) because I’ve experienced this power of God to transform broken, empty, ugly lives and now I can’t withhold it or retain to one side of the ocean.

After all – everyone who desires to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted (2Tim3:12) whether on this continent or another – it costs everything to follow Jesus wherever He chooses to lead.

So, I will go and preach the word; being ready in season and out of season; to reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction (2Tim4:2) because my choice was made the day I submitted to the One and Only Holy Lord.

I feel You with every beat of my heart – to live is to be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry (2Tim4:5) and as long as my heart beats my answer is ‘Yes, Lord’.

I long for Your kingdom – the lasting, eternal presence of You that cannot be ignored or denied but only enjoyed. Oh, Lord on that day let the cry of my heart be, ‘I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me crowns of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing.’ (2Tim4:7-8)

I know it won’t be easy, sometimes I will want to pack up and leave, but it isn’t about me and that’s why I pray that I will cling to the truth that I am His Beloved and loudly proclaim that ‘The Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that through me the proclamation might be fully accomplished and that all the Gentiles might hear; and I was rescued out of the lion’s mouth.’ (2Tim4:17)

All I know about and of You (as limited as that may be) tells me that this is the path You have set before me and that as I make smooth in the desert a highway for our God … then the glory of the Lord will be revealed and all flesh will see it together. (Isaiah40:3,5)

Held

Woah... well, it has been quite the week, with my roommate and best friend getting hit by a truck (she is okay, her leg is broken, but she will be fine), and then with the death of Kyle, I have wrestled with the Lord a lot this week. Hope and worship has prevailed but there were some really ugly things that surfaced in myself. For example, for the first time in 3 years I didn't want to move overseas. I wanted to be safe and 'secure' in America where I could hold on to everything I love here and 'be here' for people. I felt the Lord say a few things to me in this process of rebellion and wrestling. First, he told me that he is continuing to place a heart in me like Jeremiah's. This has been a slow process in me -- mostly because I am so darn controlling and have a hard time just resting with God and letting Him do His thing in me. "But I say, 'I will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name,' Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones; and I am weary of holding it in, and I cannot endure it." Jeremiah20:9 Even in the midst of my pain and rebellion I felt the fire within me threatning to consume me if I didn't submit and proclaim the greatness of Jesus above my own life and the entire world. The other thing the Lord said is 'Life is futile -- stop clinging'. This came from Romans 8 where it says "For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope..."Romans8:19-20. I saw myself chasing after wind never to catch it and slithering on the ground cramming handfuls of dirt in my pockets hoarding it like treasure. I love the world. Not in the deepest part of me, not in the part that is true. But there is definately a part of my life that sees the world not as trash but as treasure. That was really hard to see in myself and at the same time seeing it opened up to me the riches of the glory of God and the greatness of my calling. So, here is my heart/prayer/response to all that has unfolded this week... May the Lord stir up our 'anxious longing'

Held

I have been clothed with new life and dressed all in white
Cleansed and free I stand before You
But the old life calls to me, and I feel my flesh fight.

Breaking my gaze from You I run away towards the darkness that deceives,
Deeper I go staining my garments with pain and filth.
I am chasing after wind that lingers long enough for me touch it before it leaves.

Collapsing, I crawl in the dirt shoving fistfuls in my pocket like it is treasure.
I am so dirty that the white seems distant and unreal.
So, I trudge along heavy with the weight of sin and dirt that failed to bring pleasure.

I cry out in agony, not understanding and yet knowing I let go of my only hope.
Tired of wrestling with You I bow down now
I need to know who You are or I can’t move from this place or begin to cope.

‘Father, meet me here!’ I cry indignantly, still clinging to life that is ‘mine’.
It comes more slowly than I’d like – but You’re here.
I’ve got to let go of the dirt to take Your hand, and there’s really no choice when I see You shine.

Beauty, grace, and peace all surpassing, patiently beckon me, waiting and still.
Prostrate and weeping I know I have found infinite worth.
No more questions, only embrace and acceptance of the truth whether it heals or whether it kills.

Gently you hold and rock me but it isn’t what I expected to find at all.
There is still grief and pain in my heart over what was lost,
But it doesn’t end there – praise rises up in me as the walls I’ve built fall.

Oh my heart, burning up within me full of pain and desire.
And I know that if I don’t proclaim your goodness,
If I don’t bow in worship and adoration, I will burn up and be consumed by Your fire.

Jesus! You are worthy, You are good, You are blameless, holy and absolute glory!
Nothing can shake You from Your throne or remove Your foundation.
Even in pain I choose hope in You and I desire in Your arms to be part of THE story.

We’re shining so bright holding onto one another once again,
I can see now that You never let go of me even when I had released You.
I only want to trust you Jesus, knowing that through You are life and victory over sin.

Resting between Your shoulders, I can never understand
But I have to proclaim Your greatness regardless of circumstance
And confess that all is lovingkindness in the palm of Your hand.