Christmas

I wrote this in church this morning because I was feeling more frustrated with Christmas than able to enjoy it and expressing things makes me feel better...
The joy that fills my heart today doesn't come from lights or trees and bows.
It isn't a 'season' like winter or spring that comes with regularity and without any asking.
How did we get here - so mixed up and confused? Worshiping presents and family instead of the Savior - Emmanuel.
That God could so humble himself - so lowly as to even fit inside of a womb...
The God of the universe who spread out the heavens and calls forth the dawn chose to enter into our smallness, our frailty and pain, our meagerness and shame.
Not so we can decorate our homes, give a feast, and sing carols so familiar.
But to rescue us, to forefit his own life for ours, ot manifest hope for the entire world.
The manger wasn't lofty - strung with lights and shiny paper, that was never God's style.
So, what are we doing? Can we still find Jesus in all the extravagance of Christmas? Who are we celebrating and is He honored in our traditions?
I don't want to be awed by the size of the tree, the number of gifts or the beauty of the decor and miss the meekness of Jesus.
Oh God, let it be that we are awed by your sacrifice and by your fleshly life alone.
Let this be our worship and the joy that flows from our souls, for the coming of Jesus and the fulfillment of life's purpose.
Let the elegance fade away till we are awed with YOU there in the stable bowing before you in adoration of the coming of God into the world - thank you Jesus!

Life Recently

This was taken at Homestead Heritage... it is kind of like an amish farm/ maybe a cult? But it was pretty cool I guess.



These are the UH-MAZING leaves that actually change colors in the fall ... but only in Pennsylvania and the surrounding states. I spent a few days there visiting my sister and it was beautiful!



This was taken by my roommate Jenny, the professional photographer. This was the night we had a 'roommate dinner' which was really an elaborate scheme - the Megan & Ryan engagement!



These are my cousins and second cousins - which one is me?

God's Politics

Sorry it's been so long since the last postage. Is it really November already? This kind of creeps me out. In light of the recent election as well as my own recent interest in politics I thought I'd let you in on a little political discourse I've been having with myself recently. You can only discourse with yourself for so long before it is socially unacceptable and I fear I might be reaching this point, so come on in the water is.... ???
So, I voted on Tuesday and I am gonna tell you a little secret - that was the first time I ever voted. I've just never had the interest or felt like it really mattered or wanted to educate myself before. But I really enjoyed it and at the same time was kind of surprised at what turned out to be the key issues in this election. Here are some thoughts I've written down over the last few months as I've been thinking about this stuff:

"Peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication." - Derek Webb

What does it mean to have fleshly enemies? To take a stand against evil while loving the enemy? To submit to God's ultimate and complete authority while engaging in the battle around us? Is war an act of vengance and should we EVER touch that? Is it dangerous language to name the terrorists 'the enemy.' - who is the REAL enemy here? Who's definiton of 'evil' are we as a nation using and can we hold that up to a totally different culture as a measuring rod?

I obviously have a lot more questions than answers here. I know I need to seek a heart of humility instead of judgment and pray for our world leaders A LOT!
Here are some truth's I've been praying over some of the things going on in the world today...
Let the groans of the prisoners come before you; according to your great power, preserve those doomed to die! Psalm 79:11. This is my prayer for the death penalty to be abolished and for all of the prisoners around the world that are in need of a Savior.

Give the King your justice, O God, and your righteousness to the royal son! May He judge your people with righteousness, and your poor with justice! May he defend the cause of the poor of the people, give deliverance to the children of the needy and crush the oppressor! Psalm 72: 1-2, 4
This is my prayer for the leaders of the world today

This was King David's prayer before his death and I LOVE how it captures his heart as a man who lived under the authority of God...
Blessed are You, O lord God of Israel our father, forever and ever. yours, O Lord, is the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and on the earth; yours is the dominion, O Lord, and you exalt Yourself as head over all. Both riches and honor come from You and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. Now, therefore, our God we thank you and praise Your glorious name. But who am I and who are my people that we should be able to offer as generously as this? For all things come from You, and from Your hand we have given you.
1 Chronicles 29:11-14

You might want to check out this book, I haven't finished it yet but it has been really helpful in thinking through some of these things. God's Politics by Jim Wallis. Also you can check out www.sojo.net

Michelle's Visit

here are some pics from when my favorite Michelle came to visit.

rebel continued...

So, after I wrote my last post about being rebellious and was really broken over all of that junk in my heart that had totally deceived me. It is a long story but the point is that rebellion is a heart attitude that affects everything. I feel like I've gotten a lot 'softer' over the last few years when it comes to being moldable and responding to God's call. However, when I allow that rebellion to surface in my heart it doesn't just capture part of me but becomes a heart condition. The good news is that Jesus is victorious and has redeemed my life from rebellion -- right now. I can choose to live in that victory daily, but man, the consequences of letting that little seed grow are huge. Anyway, this is the verse that God gave me about rebellion the other night.

Let not the rebellious exalt themselves...for you O God have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs, you let men ride over our heads; we went through the fire and through the water yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance...come and hear all you who fear God and I will tell what he has done for my soul. Psalm 66:7,10-12,16

So, even after this I didn't feel like I was ready to be able to testify to what God did in my soul... I still felt like someone grieving. Anyway, the next day I went to the lake for my lunch break to just listen and this is what came out:

Just one more day I need to stay
Before I can go to where I don’t know.
Just more time to be here with you
And then I’ll be ready to face all that’s new
… or is that really true?
What is one more when a million more will never be enough?
To make me feel secure, ready, strong and tough.
Because the truth is that I am so afraid
Afraid to fail- afraid it’s not worth the price I’ve paid.
I still want to go and join God over there
But after I am done here and don’t really care.
It honors our Father when we choose to obey
Against our own wishes and still stand to say
'Not my will but yours be done.’ In my heart
Remove every seed of rebellion, not just in part.
This confession is god’s mercy to me
Because I know through him I am free
Free to die and live like it is gain
Free to submit to the name above every name.

After this I still felt like, well it rhymes but I am not fully there yet. And I just decided that is okay. I've found that obedience is about little simple 'yes's' and once you choose to obey God gives the grace to make it easier or just make it okay. I still feel great hope and excitement about moving overseas, I also still don't feel ready... but I do fully desire to be obedient and that means being urgent in my departure date. I don't want to be a rebel, I want to be meek.

rebel without a cause

So... this is me. God has been continuing to show me all the areas of my life that have this heart attitude of rebellion. It is ridiculous, I mean someone give me a harley and a bad boy in a leather jacket already!!! Somewhere along the way (I haven't pin pointed it yet) I believed the lie that I know better than other people. Hence the pride that I struggle with daily. There was this little seed of rebellion that I watered and nutured and let grow into this terrible spirit of pride and self righteousness. Now isn't that attractive? Who wouldn't want a lil piece of that?
God is authority. To know that He really does hold the world in His hands and have total and undivided authority over everything on the earth -- this is freedom. Out of this knowledge I am free to submit to ANY earthly authority because Jesus is the one who is in authority. It is NOT my job to decide who is good and who is evil and what is right and what is wrong. God has given me this deep sense of justice in my heart. I mean really, injustice stirs me up more than just about anything. When I was in 5th grade I was on a few news stations for starting a red cross drive at my school and then in 6th grade I wrote and editorial in the local paper about gang violence. haha -- I've always felt this urging to rise up and DO something about the things I think are wrong. I've never been one to sit by and let it happen without at least slandering some people.
God is bringing about this brokenness in my heart that says 'To You Jesus, I submit everything - You are authority and I choose to honor you in the people you have placed in authority.' See, God didn't make me the pastor, the teacher, the police officer ... whoever it is that God has delegated His authority to that I want to criticize.... it wasn't me. God uses both good and evil men, that is his deal, my deal is to obey.
I still struggle with this, I don't feel right now like there is this peace allowing me to quietly choose submission. I still get all riled up on Sunday mornings and have to choose to pray instead of slander. But seriously, who do I think I am? Do I not have those same things inside of me that I can detest so easily in others?
God be gracious to me, the biggest sinner I know... Help me submit to your authority in the world instead of trying to judge them..... that's all I got tonight, just needed to say these things 'out loud'.... if you see me being a rebel without a cause, heck, even if there is a cause, smack me -- hard.

Living More With Less

I've been spending this month meditating on, learning about, and trying to practice simplicity in my life. First of all let me dismiss the myth that living more simply is simple because that is just not true. It takes a lot of intention, time, and discipline. Because our world is so fast paced, convenient, and impersonal, trying to go against the flow is really hard! I got this book, 'Living More With Less' and have read about half of it so far. It is really incredible, it was written by a Mennonite woman who compiled stories and testamonies from around the globe of people who have chosen simplicity out of their desire to honor Christ in all things. One of the biggest things so far that this book has helped me hold onto is that my life, my every day decisions make a WORLD of difference. I am not going to change the world by my life and that is not the point; but every time I choose to do something like walk instead of drive, buy with integrity by not giving money to companies that don't pay their laborers a living wage or have poor working conditions, or the thousands of other choices I make that honor others and God above myself and my comfort -- this is obedience. The earth is the Lord's and all it contains -- this means something to me like it hasn't before. This is something I am still definately growing in, but it has been really freeing to let go of some of the things that I feel like I 'need' but really they only detract from the things that are better. I wrote this the other night as a kind of response to all these things that I am feeling and thinking.

One -- a single unit all alone
self contained and fulfilled
not knowing others or being known.
I don't need you in order to be me
I already decided who I am
and I am just fine -- can't you see?

'How appalling!' -- 'Why, how rude!'
'that is not me' we say assuredly.
But lives may say otherwise from our clothes to our food.
My momentary choices may seem small
like how I spend my time
or the things that I buy at the mall.

We are consumers and as such we say
who and what we stand for
in our manner of living every day.
I can't quite wrap my mind around
how my choices will affect the world
when they don't feel heavy or make a sound
It's not that I am so important and neat
but that I am not an island, so
when I take what could be yours it makes me a cheat.

To love mercy and do justice is no simple task
It takes awareness, intention, and death to myself.
But then, united, we can in God's glory bask!
I need you so I can be a better me,
because without you my joy is incomplete.
Thank you Jesus for the global Body that can't work independently.

My Friend

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine... it is not so much a story as it is quotes from him and dialogue about his life. He is an encouragement to me because God has really changed him and with every letter I get from him I am more convinced of this. Briefly, his story is kind of like this: he was on the streets for a while and had done some time in jail and then got out of jail and was back on the streets and that was when I met him about 7 months ago. He was real tough and had a big chip on his shoulder to just about everyone. Me and my roommates started spending some time with him and getting to know him and his story. He lived with a prostitute for 10 years and had been into drugs and alcohol and was just dissatisfied with life. He was very hungry for God and we talked a lot about it and went to church together whenever we could. Well, one day he decided to turn himself in even though he had found a job and a place to stay he felt like that was what he needed to do to be obedient to God since he had money he owed for probation. So, he went to jail about 5 months ago. I got to go visit him a feew times before I left for the summer and even though he had some encouraging things to say about God sometimes I felt like overall he still wasn't getting it and was getting way too caught up in me and my roommates. The letters I got from him at first were kind of disturbing and inappropriate. We kept writing all summer and he went to the state prison about a month ago. It was maybe the best thing that ever happened to him. Since he has been in prison and unable to have visitors and has had regular chapel services God has really transformed him. I got a letter from him today and we wrote this: "Bless you prison, for having been in my life, for it is here that I have learned that the meaning of earthly existence lies, not as we have grown used to thinking, in prospering, but in the development of the soul. Bless you prison, for it is here that I learned to see justice in the way that Amos and Micah and Jeremiah and Isaiah saw it." He also quoted Joseph somebody and wrote this: "I need courage not just because I may fall on my face or worse but others seeing me a sorry spectacle if it should happen will say ' he didn't know what he was doing' or, 'he's foolhardy.' When it comes right down to it Lord, I choose to be your failure before anyone else's success. Keep me from reneging on my choice."
My friend has also been quoting whole chapters from the Bible that he's been reading and what God is speaking to Him. It is just real exciting to see where God has brought him and the ways that God loves and redeems life even when it may seem unredeemable. That is why I want to abolish the death penalty.... but that is another soapbox. =o)

Living is Simple

My spiritual discipline for the week is simplicity. I decided one of my goals (note: I set goals! and liked it) this year is to pick a different discipline every week and spend that week studying and practicing it. So, here are some thoughts so far on simplicity. This is about keeping the main thing the main thing. I didn't realize how many other things there are constantly asking for attention or innocently distracting, but seriously if Jesus is the main thing (which He is) then he needs to stay there. It really is crazy the amount of identity that I let get wrapped up in things like what I own and where I am going. I even tend to characterize people by their choice in style or the places that they go, things they spend their money on. When did these things become a means of identity? So, this week is about getting back to my roots and staying there. Why do I complicate life with things that are so unnecessary? The reason we ( I am speaking for the vast majority of humanity... I realize this is something one should not take lightly) are so stressed out and busy is so self-imposed; we choose to complicate our lives with little electronic devices that allow people to constantly be in contact with us and we have a constant flow of largely useless information. Why do we do this to ourselves? I do it to myself everyday. I am choosing this month to limit my internet/phone time, not do any shopping (except for food), keep track of everything I spend money on, intentionally limit my choices of food & clothing, and really pay attention to what I allow to come out of my mouth so that my 'yes' and 'no' are legit. The scripture God really used to convict me about this as well as really confirm in my heart the holiness and necessity of simplicity is Phillipians 4: 10-20.

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

I think a lot of my speech comes out of want, and I am eager to learn what it means to truly live simply in heart, mind, and body.

The World

I've been praying about the world and the things going on the world a lot lately. I've been asking God to show me His heart and give me that same heart. I tend to get so riled up about world happenings that I can't see things with spiritual eyes and all I see is injustice and it makes me real angry. Anyway, this week it was cool to finally connect with God's heart and just find rest in claiming His ultimate justice and infinite understanding, because seriously... I just don't get it. Here is some Scripture that really helped me understand who God is in the world:
The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; he frustrates the plans of the peoples. the counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations... the Lord looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man, from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds. The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation and by its great might it cannot rescue ... our soul waits for the Lord he is out hope and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you. Psalm 33:10-11, 13-22.

The picture is a painting I did this summer as just an expression of where God was directing my heart and thoughts and the things I know that He loves and cares about. Sooooo... there ya go

Brokenness

Well, I am back in Waco and it's a little weird. So far no job, it is kinda funny though because I am hanging out with homeless friends and they're like 'Did you get a job yet?' and I am like 'Nope. Did you?' and they're like 'nope.' So, I am learning to identify with them in a whole new way and it has been very cool and humbling. I've been thinking a lot about brokenness and have been surprised by the lies that I believed about it and even some of the lies that I have heard from other people about it. I used to think that God's purpose in brokenness was about suffering and dependence and learning and while those may very well be aspects of it... it is not the end. I wrote this last week...
"Make me to hear joy and gladness, let the bones which you have broken rejoice." I didn't write that, David did in Psalm 51, but my reflection on that was: I am struck again tonight by brokenness and how God rebuilds and refines through scorching fires. His heart is for wholeness and because of our sin that sometimes takes a seemingly twisted form, but He's there healing and bringing hope all along if you will choose Him. He is there drawing the broken pieces deeper into Himself to restore the whole puzzle. The pain is real, but so is the healing. Thanks be to God! Then a couple days later I was out at this birdwatching park (I know it sounds lame and like I am 63) just listening and I saw this tree that looked so strong and big but had this one limb that was just hanging there, totally bent over but not broken off yet and God just said 'A broken reed I wil not destroy.' And He gently reminded me that brokenness is not for destruction but for restoration and wholeness.
This has taught me to embrace fully whatever brokenness God would bring me and not be afraid of it or feel despair over it. He is so good and totally loving in ways I could have never imagined, I feel kind of like I am getting to know Jesus all over again right now -- it is pretty sweet! Anyway, just wanted to share some things I've been thinking about and the hope that is ours in Christ Jesus for wholeness

pictures!

this was the rehearsal dinner and some wonderful friends from the other side of the world!



this is from the beautiful Missy's wedding!...obviously, It was SOOOO fun and such a reflection of Jesus, it was wonderful!



These are some of my favorite people from candidate school... it was SO FUN!

the veil

This is a picture of what I wore to a fashion show a couple weeks ago... nice huh? It is traditional Baharainian garb. I wore the black over the red which was worn over my normal clothes. I wore it all for about 2 hours before I got to take off the black. You know, I have so much respect for those women who choose to cover themselves. And I didn't feel stifiled, I felt secure. I was able to sit there in a room full of people and feel totally invisible, kids dream of doing that. I think in our Western way we're so used to this 'need' to express ourselves that we just imagine that Eastern covered women feel oppressed... I don't think so anymore. Here's a picture of me with it all on...

Live in the meanwhile and groan well

What does it mean for me to live in the meanwhile?

As Christians we are in this wonderful balance between the fulfillment of God’s promises to us and the world he has given to us. This is the meanwhile.

I live in the meanwhile when my attitude and actions reflect that there is a hope for something yet to be attained and at the same time I do not fail to recognize the world that is currently surrounding me. This looks like being actively engaged in preparing myself and others to receive that which is the fulfillment of my entire life’s hope. I would count myself with Paul in saying that I will have wasted my WHOLE life and should be pitied if Christ, whom I have built my life upon – is not who He said He was and is. The meanwhile groans for what is to come while rejoicing in what exists now. The meanwhile does not use worldly standards of success or failure but believes and hopes all things in Christ Jesus. While I may be a wanderer or vagabond, I am never without aim or direction. To live in the meanwhile is to be profoundly affected by the grace of God daily – his grace was not in vain in my life, but continues to transform me into the very image of Jesus Himself.

more than you probably ever wanted to know about me..

One of the fun things for me about Candidate School was that we got to take all these personality inventories and different psychological evaluations that served to tell us more about who we are and how God has made us. I learned some valuable stuff about myself and my strengths and weaknesses. I think this stuff is so cool and totally love it, so if you know what you are, tell me!

I am an extreme personality… this is probably obvious to most of you, but on these tests I was not moderately anything, I was all the way there or not there at all. My dot was on the edge of the circle or my line way out there, you get the picture.
I am an ENFP, which stands for Extroversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving. As far as my E goes, I like to initiate with people, I am very expressive (characterized by: ‘may sometimes wonder whether you’ve talked too much or said inappropriate or perhaps embarrassing things’), I am Gregarious- Intimate meaning I like both kinds of interactions, I am also active-reflective in that I like contact with people but also like to have my space to process stuff. I am also very enthusiastic. My N, for intuition was very strong, meaning I am not at all sensing (concrete, realistic, practical experiential, traditional). So, this means that I am abstract, imaginative, conceptual, theoretical and original meaning ‘you would rather figure out your own way than read the directions’… ummm yeah, I throw the box away without even taking out the directions.
The F is for feeling which I was either all the way there or totally on the other side. I am all the way empathetic, compassionate, and accepting. However, I am out of preference for feeling in that I am also questioning (‘are typically tactful but can be skeptical, confrontational, and outspoken’) and a combination of the tough-tender.
My P is also all perceiving and no judging. This means that I prefer flexibility and spontaneity and not decisiveness and closure. I ‘like to wait, see what happens, and then wing it.’
So, things this helped me learn about myself and how I relate to others… while I feel like I am really open minded, I really do tend to respond to people pretty universally from my own limitations of how I function best. I really need to limit my expressiveness sometimes to those who appreciate my style and be okay when people don’t appreciate it. I also need to start making some plans and working out the details earlier.

There was this other test we took to measure interpersonal skills and I had the HIGHEST score of the entire group… this means that I really value working with other people and want to be included, kind of want to have some control, and want affection. Apparently affection is my highest need and control is my lowest priority. So, while it will always be true about me that I value people and having relationships with people I am also learning a lot about building better boundaries in my friendships and releasing A LOT of expectations that I have for myself and others.

Lastly, we took this Team Dimensions Profile test to figure out what role we normally take on teams and I am an advancer leaning towards creativity. The definition of an advancer is those team members who communicate new ideas and carry them forward are advancers. They focus on the personal, interactive world of feelings and relationships. Advancers manage the human component of any solution, and they enjoy whipping up enthusiasm for a project. Apparently some of my challenges here are sticking to a schedule and paying attention to details as well as passing up opportunities to socialize and being disorganized or scattered, I ‘may appear haphazard to some people’. So, this is apparently frustrating to others… sorry guys, I am working on it? My strengths however are keeping an open flow of communication and not getting discouraged easily. I also ‘feel very comfortable and energized when performing in front of a group of people.’ I also have a spontaneous streak, am unconventional and I am a rule bender.

So… there ya have it, the world according to Erin Walker, it is kind of strange isn’t it? But these tests were SO true about me, which was what made it pretty interesting and entertaining as well.

processing

So... candidate school.... woah -- it was so wonderful. My expectations were totally met and yet it was not at all what I expected?? I will be trying to process some of what happened the last 2 weeks because it was HUGE in my life. The greatest thing that happened was a lot of healing and freedom and maybe for the first time in my life really KNOWING who I am. It is funny that I pride myself on being overly self-aware and yet the me I discovered was not who I thought I was at all.
I realized that I saw myself as a sinner trying to be good instead of seeing myself under the grace that God has given me. Who you think you are dictates your thoughts, words, actions and all sorts of things. I wasn't living in the freedom that God gives to His children because in my heart I couldn't see myself the way that He sees me. I can't explain in words the liberation and brokenness of truly seeing myself. Here is something God spoke to me and I wrote about it ...

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18"

The me He sees

I know you can't always see in yourself what is so obvious to others.
Your perception is muddied with stains of past sin and lies you believed.
What you believe about yourself flows out in your words, actions, and thoughts.
We've got to clean this up -- I want you to see with clarity the me that I see in you.
I give you this mirror that is the reflection of My glory -- so you can take a good look at yourself now.
Can you see the transformation My child?
The way My beauty and My being are alive inside of you?
You are My beloved, clothed in dignity and strength. I take great delight in you just as you are, My very own creation.
Do not regard yourself according the the flesh any longer, no -- your worth is far more than any earthly treasure.
You are precious, you are beautiful, you are captivating and I treasure you.
Nothing will ever be more true about you than the me that I see.... I love you Erin

Please Pray!

So, it is only day 3 at candidate school, but it has been SOOOOO good, truly. I am not ready to process everything yet and don't think that I need to at this point. I would just ask you to pray. I really sense that this is going to be a time of deep healing, affirmation, and refinement in my life. I was just confronted earlier today about my lack of belief, in that I don't really believe God to heal the deepest hurts and fears in my life but I long for that so deeply. So, there is much hope and I am excited about the days ahead. Isn't it wonderfully beautiful that we are CONTINUALLY transformed into the image of Jesus actually sharing in His glory?! Well, this is all for now. Thanks for your prayers

chirp... chirp...

or if you are in Corpus right now buzzzz (mosquitoes) or if you are living in my house in Waco right now gakzzp (whatever noise cockroaches make)... ewww... okay anyway the point of that is supposed to be silence. This is way too many words already to talk about silence -- reasons I am not good at this.
So, I've been pretty convicted over the last month about the ammount of stuff that comes out of my mouth that is so unnecessary or just prideful. I've never experienced this kind of unbridgable gap between my heart and my mind. I KNOW and desire to believe with every ounce of myself that the only way to freedom and the ultimate joy in Christ will be through death and surrender to myself and yet my flesh rebels against that ohhhhh ALL the time.
"We must seek a humility that rests in nothing less than the end and death of self; that gives up all the honor of men, as Jesus did, to seek the honor that comes from God alone; that absolutely makes and considers itself nothing so that God may be all, so that the Lord alone may be exalted." - Andrew Murray
Cognitively I am like "and a hearty AMEN to that" but my attitude and behavior still say that not only am I not dead, but I have some unmet expectations that I need to talk to you about... where is the disconnect? I wish I knew. It has certainly brought lots of humiliation though to continually fail at my attempts to be humble, but I would rather lay it all out there and get it out then let it grow and feed itself secretly.
"What a solemn thought, that our love for God will be measured by our everyday fellowship with men and the love it displays. How solemn that our love for God will be found to be a delusion, unless its truth is proved in standing the test of daily life with our fellowmen." - Murray
So... fellowmen, I am really sorry and God is seriously doing some work in my heart right now and I am working on thinking before I speak instead of that simultaneous thing that seems to happen. God has also been giving me an abundance of grace that has probably always been there, I just didn't want it before, to be accepting and loving (when I choose that).
It is a journey, like anything worth having, and I am still learning and struggling a lot, but I really do desire to honor God in my speech and thoughts .... so I will be putting the 'things I think you should change about yourself' list next to the 'reasons I am better than you' list in the 'big, fat, ugly, lie closet' (anyone? anyone?)
" Truly, truly, I say to you, Unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life looses it, and hw who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal." John 12:24-25

july 4th

tomorrow will mark the first July 4th I've spent in the country in a long time ... naturally, this got me thinking, and well, here ya go.

I want to truly honor my country today, not write her off or blindly pledge allegiance.
Being patriotic isn’t about colors, fireworks, or picnics outdoors.
For me it is about owning my country and taking responsibility.
I am in the top 2% of the world that gets to go to college – therefore, I must educate myself and those around me.
My country is less than 10% of the world’s population consuming 2/3 of its resources. We have taken on a great responsibility as consumers whether we want it or not.

Because our consumer culture is spreading like wildfire around the globe, America can ‘afford’ to pay less than a living wage to over 60% of its workforce, ensuring that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
And every time we get to spend less money on things because someone isn’t getting paid a living wage – they are laying down their lives for us. Meanwhile, we just keep feeding the machine by demanding lower prices for our food and name brands while children and adults are enslaved so we can wear a ‘swoosh’ on our shoe or drink more coffee while the kids get beaten and the bean harvester can’t feed his family.

We have enough literacy and technology and available resources to know what we are responsible for … so why don’t we care?
What are we saying as the most powerful and ‘liberated’ nation in the world if 852 million people went hungry in 2002, (this rate only mildly improved today) and it wasn’t just across the ocean. Hunger and poverty is in every backyard of America with 36 million going hungry every year right here at home.
We have the cure you know? With the $13 billion we spend every year feeding our pets we could provide basic health care and nutritional needs for the world’s poorest people.
The world looks on America as a Christian nation and I have to wonder if Jesus would be ashamed. What about us? Are we ashamed?

We are truly a great and powerful nation… but what is the point of claiming our citizenship here on earth if we are not going to use it to further the Kingdom of God here? We could have been born in some ghetto of Africa, but we weren’t and for that we are responsible to the Lord. America is not my right … what do I have that God did not give to me? Christians of America we have a great responsibility to Jesus Christ and to the world to prove them wrong about us.

After the Holocaust, the wars, Rwanda, Darfur, and now Iraq – the world wants to know if America has any morals, any love, any standards? We do, I know we do and every voice, every whisper for truth and justice speaks louder than MTV or violence. I do not despise my country, I love her and I love justice and mercy. I hope and pray that this will be the generation that rises up to stand for Truth and Love and takes ownership of the world as Bonhoeffer described it -- “The concrete sphere of responsibility given to us by and in Jesus Christ.

“Now will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night and will He delay long over them? I tell you that he will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” Luke 18:7-8

Resources

I've been reading a lot of books lately about current social issues, some titles I recomend are:
The Revolution, a field manual for changing your world by: heather Zydek
The Irresistable Revolution by: Shane Claiborne
The End of Poverty by: Jeffrey Sachs
Nickeled and Dimed by: Barbara Ehrenrich

I've been doing a lot of research and there are some really incredible organizations out there and some really important ways we can get involved. I know it seems overwhelming to even do anything, so here are some easy ways to take a stand.

www.bloodwatermission.com
this organization was started by the lead singer of Jars of Clay and is commited to fighting the HIV/AIDS pandemic by building clean wells in Africa and fighting against poverty. Did you know that there are nearly 300 million people in Africa who do not have access to safe drinking water? Did you know that one U.S. dollar equals clean water for one African for an entire year?!

www.bread.org
bread for the world is a Christian organization seeking justice for the world's hungry people. Did you know that more than 852 million people in the world went hungry in 2002? Even in America 36 milion people went hungry. Did you know that the basic health and nutritional needs of the world's poorest people could be met for an additional $13 billion a year which is less than what the US and Europe spend on pet food each year.

www.ncadp.org
this is the website for the national coalition to abolish the death penalty. Tomorrow and Wednesday there are 3 men scheduled for execution and on this site you can send a letter to the government asking them to spare the lives of these men as well as send letters to the president as a man of faith to take a stand as a Christian against sending the message that any life is beyond redemption.

www.one.org
this campaign is about fighting global poverty and aids. Sign the declaration and send letters to our representatives lobbying for policies that support debt relief, aid, and other services to the poor worldwide.

There are hundreds of websites dedicated to loving others the way Jesus did. This isn't about patting ourselves on the back but about being reponsible for what the Lord has entrusted to us. What do we have that He did not give to us? And what do we have that should not be given back to Him? Let's learn together how we can actively care for our world and glorify the God who saves.

on the road again

well, sorry it's been so long since the last update. Apparently, I had this dream about having all this free time or something. I am in H-town now about to drive to New Jersey with my sister to get her moved in. So I drove a U-haul up here from Corpus and thought I was going to make it scott free when I backed OVER a 2 foot metal pole... I mean on top of it. The truck wouldn't even drive so we had to call a tow truck and get it to lift the truck up like an inch and move it over another inch. So, 1 metal pole, a pentecostal reverand, his friend the tow truck man, a few inches, and $80 later we were on our way again. When my dad asked what the moral of the story was I told him "never put a u-haul in reverse" ... I mean you can't see anything directly behind you unless it is at least 5 feet tall, that puts a lot of small people in danger.
I am really pumped about the road trip, I love being in the car, and my sister just made her first big purchase and got herself a brand new 2006 Jetta with xm radio and lots of other shiny things. Haha, we both graduate and she buys herself a car and I buy myself a laptop, we're in totally different ball games here!
Been doing a lot of summer reading. I read 'The Poisonwood Bible' by: Barbara Kingsolver, and that is a really great book, I really enjoyed it as a work of fiction. I also read 'To Own a Dragon' by: Donald Miller and that was also a good book... not my favorite of his, but that's probably because he wrote it to guys without dads.
I am currently reading 'Nickled and Dimed" by: Barbara someone and "Humility" by: Andrew Murray. I think everyone in America should have to read Nickled and Dimed, I am not really sure how you enforce that other than giving everyone a copy at their birth and letting them know there will be a mandatory test at age 15 or something. But seriously, it is a really great book for helping to learn about the economic system in America and the low wage system. The Murray book is INCREDIBLE. The biggest sin I struggle with daily (as everyone who knows me on any level can attest to) is pride and this book has been sooooooooooo great in unpacking humility in the life of Jesus. It has brought such freedom and joy and I am only on chapter 4. I wish I could make a mandatory reading list and force read people -- unrealistic? Maybe... well, gotta run but hopefully it won't be so long before my next update. If you haven't seen me in a while here's a pic from this summer annnnnnnd just wanted to let everyone know I am going to dinner at the melting pot tomorrow night!!! I've never been.... real excited though!

can i get a witness?

I've seen some pretty amazing things in the last few days/weeks that I just gotta testify about! I have been really humbled by God's answer to my somewhat prideful asking of "Where is Your power?" About a month ago I started to feel discouraged about the seeming lack of power/ life transformation that happened in the lives of my friends. I was getting lots of opportunities to share the good news and speak truth over the lives of people but just felt like the power was lacking. I wanted to see the Sauls become Pauls and be radically transformed by an encounter with Jesus.
It was then that God began to speak to my heart about the patience of love, the humility of love, the gentleness of love -- it is not demanding or pushy. This is hard for me, I want to see a response and some kind of measurable change in my friends... God doesn't work like that.
So, this week I saw a client and to protect her privacy I will be as discrete as possible -- she has been addicted to crystal meth for 2 years, she has 2 children that are under 13 that 'take care of her'. Her fiance went to jail in January and since then she has been on multiple 9 day drug binges where she can't function without passing out. Meth was the only thing that got her through the day. She turned to another man for comfort while her fiance was in jail and she was pregnant. She was so scared about being pregnant she cried for almost 2 straight hours as we discussed her options. All she wanted was an abortion, she couldn't keep the baby because if she did, her fiance is supposed to get out of jail soon and he would kill her when he found out it was another man's. She knew she had done a lot of drugs and that it was impossible that damage could not be done to the baby. We talked for a long time not only about her options but mostly about a God who loves her and wants to free and redeem her life. She wept over her sin but just wasn't ready to receive grace, she couldn't believe that God could not have a tainted view of her after all she'd done. She let me pray for her and we read some scripture and then she left the center not sure what she would do anymore but promising to return the next day. She came back and through the course of an ultrasound appointment she changed her mind about the abortion, decided that she wants to seek treatment for drugs and she had been clean since we talked the day before. And above all of that she received the good news and Jesus brought such freedom to her life that she was able to face the future confident that this child was a gift and not a curse and that God would care for her and her baby. The nurse described it as 'a revival in the ultrasound room'.
I have a couple friends that have gone to jail in the last month. Me and AB went to see them last night and it is just really cool to see how God is moving and drawing and wooing without me doing anything. I can visit for 20 minutes every week and send a letter once a week, but since this one guy has been in jail it has helped a lot with not confusing me with God. He goes to trial next week and could potentially face up to 4 years and he has more confidence than I have ever seen in him, he has more peace and I would even say joy than I have seen in him since we met a few months ago. It shouldn't surprise me that the power of God comes when I move out of the way, or when He moves me out of the way. But it has just been really encouraging and exciting to see hope flood into the lives of people who were dead and who are facing seemingly terrible circumstances and yet have found God in the midst of them.
The lives of these people have continued to teach me that suffering paves the way to joy and hope more beautifully and solidly than any pleasure or fleeting feeling ever could! I am still learning how to daily embrace this in my own life but I am really thankful for the faithfulness of God to show me He is the one that causes growth and that He CARES for His people like I never could. I think I sometimes let myself feel like I am in this by myself and God sure needs me.... lie, obviously, but sometimes when I make it about me it sure feels true.
Anyway, just wanted to share about the super exciting and refreshing ways I have seen the movement of God around me this week.

whew....

So.... I am finally done with finals, with all the papers and stuff it felt more like it was 3 weeks long instead of just 1. I took my LAST final of college today, I mean assuming all goes according to plan -- I better stinkin graduate! I don't really think I get that I am done yet.... I feel kind of like this ....
So, graduating on Saturday at the same time as my sister so only my mom can come and then we are going to H-town to party with the rest of my family and my sister's boyfriend's family. So, should be fun... excited about it. I am not sure how many other people are graduating or graduated and feel totally unqualified to do anything -- but that is me. Where was the 'life skills' class? I should have gone to that one instead of manditory chapel. Don't have a whole lot of reflection on my college experience right now, I am still brain dead -- probably will be for a few more days.

this is the pres in her shawl... as a woman you have to wear one of these to enter the circle. there were a lot of rules and even a religious ceremony 

NATIVE AMERICANS!

Lemme tell you... I am so proud of my anscestors, Native Americans are sooooo cool! So, I went a pow wow this weekend. My sister is the president of the Rice Native American Student Association (RNASA) and has put on the annual pow wow for the last 3 years but I've never been able to go before.

Basically a pow wow is these guys who have a big drum and they beat it and chant songs and there are specific dances that are done to all the songs. The men and the women and children there dress according to their tribe, age, and gender -- there were some AMAZING costumes.

There was some amazing indian tacos and fry bread and basically it was just really fun and intriguing to see so much tradtion come to life in the middle of downtown Houston.

So, then I went to the zoo today (had a lil elephant reunion, we go WAY back) and they had this special native american exhibit with buffalos and tepees, so I had to take this picture for my sister.

dusunme .... or thoughts

I am afraid to look, that I might see
the hurt, suffering, the world around me.

All the fences and locks, suburbs and blocks
can keep them away or just make me stay

Alone in a harbor that doesn't exist,
wasting away the time I just missed.

Jesus isn't a window, a shirt or the cross
He is THE GOD from the sky down to the moss.

The Earth is His, trees, people and money too,
He gives graciously today and each day anew.

Not so we can collect, hoard and build a nice life,
but that we would give beyond our kids and our wife.

To follow Jesus is to die to me -- completely
and go with him there to set people free,

Into the darkness, oppression, and evil, let's go,
trusting in Him who's faithfulness we know.

Fatherless, addicts, broken are we all, and
He wants each one at His wounded feet to fall.

Every injustice, cruelty and act of slavery
happens to us all because your pain diminishes me.

To come outside of our churches and stand
united to be Christ's own heart and hand.

It means we must touch, give, love, and recieve
living with the poor, rich, hurt, and diseased.

Through this is our cure and the freedom we seek,
Joyfully laying down 'rights' by giving strength to the weak.

At the end He will ask "What is it you see
in the face of the needy? -- Was it Me?"

check out my mom .... native americans age well -- I mean, think about it -- how many natives do you see looking really old? -- since you can pick them out of a crowd and we probably would have aged even better if it weren't for that whole small pox thing... 

secret confession: I used to have sunflowers all over my bedroom when I was 11.... until maybe 15 

This is my favorite picture from the sunflower field frolicking we did over the weekend 

This is maybe my favorite picture of Jesus on the cross. I think it captures the horror and hope of this day well. 

Christ on the Cross

This is an excerpt from a book called 'Meditations on the Cross' by: Dietrich Bonhoeffer, it has been some wonderful holy week reading.

Christ on the cross, the murdered Son of God – that is the end of Cain’s history, and thus the end of all history. It is the last, desperate assault on the gates of paradise. The human race dies under the slashing sword, under the cross. But Christ lives. The trunk of the cross becomes the wood of life, and in the middle of the world life is established anew in the accursed ground. In the center of the world, from the wood of the cross, the fountain of life springs up anew, and all those thirsting for life are called to this water, and whoever has eaten of the wood of this life will never again hunger or thirst. A strange paradise, this hill of Golgotha, this cross, this blood, this broken body; a strange tree of life, this trunk on which God himself had to suffer and die – and yet here is bequeathed anew by God in grace: the kingdom of life, of resurrection, an open door of imperishable hope, of waiting, and of patience. Tree of life, cross of Christ, the center of God’s fallen and preserved world, that is the end of the story of paradise for us.
Today now he unlocks the door
To blessed paradise.
No angel bars it anymore,
To God all honor, glory and praise

From the Hensley Wedding! It was SOOOOO FUN! It was such a beautiful wedding -- you know, one of those that reminds you of Jesus a lot?  

yay!!! Missy & Derek are engaged! I SO called it about 3.5 years ago! Is it just me or do I slightly resemble Michael Jackson in this picture? Yeah.... I know -- weird. 

and the winner is....

for all of those on the edge of your seat waiting anxiously for the results of the much anticipated Rat Olympics... I have good news for you, for the rest of you, some good news without all of the anxiety:
Splinter did SOOOOO good... I mean you might as well retire her to the happy rat farm because she's not doing any better than she did today! It was awesome! We trained her to do the long jump but she hadn't been at the peak of her performance since a couple weeks ago when I dropped her and then when she undershot and rammed her face into the other platform. But today! She jumped farther than she ever has and she just kept doing it and so we kept moving the boxes until she exhausted herself. I was so proud. I think she got the gold, it was a perfect execution.
So Splinter... Splint, it was fun while it lasted, hope the breeding colony treats you well and that your amazing leaping skills serve you well.

In Preparation for Easter

I am so excited about Easter... It is right for Easter to be more exciting than Christmas because there wouldn't be a reason to celebrate Christmas without the Resurrection of easter Sunday. So, I want to post some things I've been reading and thinking about to help us prepare for Easter.

The Sacrifice
By: George Herbert

Oh, all ye, who pass by, whose eyes and mind
To worldly things are sharp, but to me blind,
To me, who took eyes that I might you find:
Was ever grief like mine?

Without me each one, who doth now me brave,
Had to this day been an Egyptian slave.
They use that power against me, which I gave
Was ever grief like mine?

Mine own apostle, who the bag did bear,
Though he had all I had, did not forbear
To sell me also, and put me there:
Was ever grief like mine?

Therefore my soul melts, and my heart’s dear treasure
Drops blood (the only beads) my words to measure:
O let this cup pass, if it be thy pleasure
Was ever grief like mine?

With clubs and staves they seek me, as a thief,
Who am the way of Truth, the true relief,
Most true to those, who are my greatest grief:
Was ever grief like mine?

Then they accuse me of great blasphemy,
That I did thrust into the deity,
Who never thought that any robbery:
Was ever grief like mine?

Some said, that I the temple to the floor
In three days razed, and raised as before.
Why, he that built the world can do much more:
Was ever grief like mine?

Then they condemn me all with that same breath,
Which I do give them daily, unto death.
Thus Adam my first breathing rendereth:
Was ever grief like mine?

Hark how they cry aloud still, crucify:
It is not fit he live a day, they cry,
Who cannot live less than eternally:
Was ever grief like mine?

Ah! How they scourge me! Yet my tenderness
Doubles each lash: and yet their bitterness
Winds up my grief to a mysteriousness
Was ever grief like mine?

Weep not, dear friends, since I for both have wept
When all my tears were blood, the while you slept:
Your tears for your own fortunes should be kept:
Was ever grief like mine?

The soldiers also spit upon that face,
Which angels did desire to have the grace,
And prophets once to see, but found no place:
Was ever grief like mine?

And now weary of sport, glad to engross
All spite in one, counting my life their loss,
They carry me to my most bitter cross:
Was ever grief like mine?

O all ye who pass by, behold and see;
Man stole the fruit, but I must climb the tree,
The tree of life to all, but only me:
Was ever grief like mine?

Lo, here I hand, charged with a world of sin,
The greater world o’th’ two; for that I came in
By words, but this by sorrow I must win:
Was ever grief like mine?

But, O my God, my God! Why leav’st thou me,
The Son, in whom thou doest delight to be?
My God, My God -------
Never was grief like mine

Shame tears my soul, my body many a wound,
Sharp nails pierce this, but sharper that confound,
Reproaches, which are free, while I am bound.
Was ever grief like mine?

Betwixt two thieves I spend my utmost breath,
As he that for some robbery suffereth.
Alas! What have I stolen from you? Death:
Was ever grief like mine?
Nay, after death their spite shall further go
For they will pierce my side, I full well know;
That as sin came, so Sacraments might flow:
Was ever grief like mine?

But now I did; now all is finished.
My woe, man’s weal: and now I bow my head.
Only let others say, when I am dead,
Never was grief like mine.

self imposed surgeon general's warning

Man... I've been off the charts lately. I think for those of you that know me well enough to come here, you know me well enough to know my GREAT personality characteristics such as extremeness. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for letting me freak out and feel like its the end of the world and then be just fine. I feel like I need to warn people: tendency to FREAK OUT, but then its cool. I am not sure how I have this capacity to feel things A LOT, but that is just kinda how it goes with me. All that to say, thanks for your patience and continued understanding as we run this race together and sometimes I run real fast and scream, other times I get tired and want to quit, then I fall down. It's just good to be me and have that be okay with you, so thanks.

Being Crazy

I love this so much I am just going to quote it for you all. From The Irresistable Revolution by: Shane Claiborne (have you ordered this book yet?... do it).
"If we are crazy, then it is because we refuse to be crazy in the same way that the world has gone crazy. What's crazy is a matter of perspective. After all, what is crazier: one person owning the same amount of money as the combined economies of twenty-three countries, or suggesting that if we shared, there would be enough for everyone? What's crazier: spending billions of dollars on a defense shield, or suggesting that we share our billions of dollars so we don't need a defense shield? What is crazier: maintaining arms contracts with 154 countries while asking the world to disarm its weapons of mass destruction, or suggesting that we lead the world in disarmament by refusing to deal weapons with over half of the world and by emptying the world's largest stockpile here at home? What's crazy is that the US, less than 6 percent of the world's population, consumes nearly half of the world's resources, and that the average American consumes as much as 520 Ethiopians do, while obesity is declared a 'national health crisis.' Someday war and poverty will be crazy, and we will wonder how the world allowed such things to exist. Some of us have just caught a glimpse of the beauty of the promised land, and it is so dazzling that our eyes are forever fixed on it, never to look back at the ways of that old empire again."

Everything in me screams a resounding 'AMEN!' at this. I have been really challenged to actively stand for justice because when I am not doing that I am standing for injustice and promoting the things that Jesus came to destroy. People thought Jesus was pretty crazy too -- maybe it's about time people started questioning our sanity.

Thought for the Day...

Hey guys... lots to say... lots going on... but gotta take it one chunk at a time.

So, in Matthew 5 it talks about "Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom" and then just a few verses latter in Matthew 6 it says "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you."

I'd never made the correlation about the kingdom in these 2 verses until this weekend. The kingdom belongs to the poor and we are commanded to seek the Kingdom of God... where are we guaranteed to find this kingdom? With the poor. Seems pretty clear -- let's be active seekers today and just maybe we might meet Jesus in 'the least of these.'

The Spring Break Post

Well... Spring Break is pretty much officially over since I just spent the last 3 hours at the library. booooo! But it was REALLY fun, it was a great break for me.
Want to process some of the things the Lord has been teaching me, but first I'll give you guys the brief haps of the week.
So, Went to H-town, got to hang out with the married Bertrands, that was fun! Spent some good time with my dad and step mom too. Went to Corpus and got to share at my home church and felt really supported and encouraged by that fellowship. Missy came to Corpus for the first time ever! It was really fun to have her there, we went for a walk along the beach, went to the lake and played on the jet skies, went to my friend Sarah's ranch and hung out, ate some REAL mexican food -- good times with the Jones.
Then, my home church college group was doing beach reach where we go out to the beach and give out water to the crazy, mostly naked people (and the not so naked ones too) and get to share about Jesus. It was REALLY fun! We played volleyball (I have the bruises to prove it) and got to talk to a lot of people and pray with some of them. My friend Tunde who is fron Nigeria but we met in Turkey came to Corpus with his brother to hang out for the day! So, lots of fun and sun -- I might have been at the beach for 6 hours without putting sun screen on. I know! STUPID! So, still recovering from massive sunburn. It was really fun though and met some REALLY cool people who I am so excited to see at FBC Corpus.
In other news, got my ultrasound done and I am happy to report that I have a non-septated uterus, or in otherwords it is normal. (can you say these things via-blog?) well.... just did, so there. They said I had a cyst on my left ovary but its not a big deal.
Well... that was about all the eventfulness I can handle, so onto things being learned:
Been reading this book The Irresistable Revolution by: Shane Claiborne. Can I just tell you that this book is rocking my world like it hasn't been rocked since John Piper my freshman year?! Seriously, read this book. So, there is a lot in here, might have to dedicate a whole post to it. But off the top of my head it has been challenging me to take Jesus more seriously. I guess I thought I knew that already, but reading about someone who took him seriously enough to call up Mother Teresa and ask to work with her and then move to Calcutta for a few months to learn from her about loving the poor. And then this dude went to Iraq right before war was decalared and Baghdad was bombed -- he was there for that just to be a messenger of the Gospel and to speak peace and love in the name of Jesus. These things seem so unreal and radical and yet it is just simple obedience to the commands of Jesus.
What happpened to the Church? When did we quit taking Jesus seriously? What a tragedy to see just a glimpse of what we are missing out on because we don't trust God to provide should we actually step out 'in faith' and be obedient. I mean what would it look like to quit reading lots of books about other people who obedyed and just read the bible and do what it says? This should not be a revolutionary idea.
Also, been thinking a lot about social issues -- this has been an ongoing thing for me to wrestle with and just want to share some quotes with you that MUCH better articulate my thoughts...
"Don't teach me about government and politics, just tell me who to vote for." -Derek Webb, from the song "New Law" also "Don't teach me about moderation or discipline, I prefer a shot of grape juice." Basically, as the Church we should be the first responding to these social issues not necessarily depending on our governement to do so, but seeing as how our government has a lot of control over these things we should be active and knowledgable about what is going on in the world. Anyway, I have a lot of room to grow here and it is good for me to really think about these things instead of relying on 'new laws'.
"May we stand by those who face the impending wrath of the empire and whisper,'God loves you, I love you, and if my country bombs your country, I will be right here with you.' Otherwise, our gospel has little integrity. As one of the saints said, 'If they come for the innocent and do not pass over our bodies, then cursed be our religion.'" -Shane Claiborne
Ahhhh! If we read these things and think that there is a shred of truth in them then doesn't it logically follow that we must live our lives differently? It is funny how 'living differently' progressively means different things for my life.
Well, more to come later -- just want to update you for now.

AWOL

Hey kiddos...
So, I really am committed to this whole -- let's keep posting so we can stay connected with one another thing, however, about to head to Corpus for the rest of the break (I am in H-town now) and my mom has one of those computers that is bigger than my car and takes 3 days to turn on. (notice the use of hyperbole there) So, won't be able to make my 3 post this week quota or keep you posted on next week. So -- I'll make up for it later... promise. I love you guys and hope you have great spring breaks (those of you who have not yet entered the 'real' world that is) loooooooooove and be praying for me as I speak at FBCCC tomorrow morning and meet with potential supporters, as well as trying to get all my medical stuff taken care of before my insurance runs out.

I just threatened my dad that I was going to put a picture of him on my blog... so now I have to do it because I've been learning about discipline and if you threaten something you have to do it otherwise the discipline doesn't work.... so here is my dad in England right before they knighted him for saving the queen from an unruly mob of ___________ (insert scary thing here) my personal favorite is sceaming, teenage girls. Now he has one of those outfits like that guy on the horse and big golden sceptor. Really... I don't know the story behind this picture, but that would have been cool huh?

from a cubby..

Well -- I am hiding in a cubby right now at the library... you know the ones with the weird wavy glass walls and doors and its like your own little private study (torture) chamber. That's where I am writing from tonight...

You may wonder why I feel the need to hide from the world, and really I guess it's kind of like how Jesus would withdrawal from the crowds except he went to be with God and I am going to be with myself and with my homework. Life has just been REAL crazy lately and as a natural extrovert and learned introvert (got this from Bobby, except he's the opposite) I sometimes have to hide from people or else I won't ever take the time that I know I need for myself. So, that's why I am hiding here -- and because I have 2 tests, a lab report, a methods paper, and a book to read in the next 2 days.

Life has been way too eventful for me lately -- here are the highlights and some of the just lights of the past few days.

So, yesterday realized that I didn't know what I was going to make for HG at about 5:00 so I just started mixing some stuff together in the kitchen and was going to make cookies when I ran out of flour... whoops... so just started adding oats and other absorbant things and turned it into a weird pumpkin chocolate chip oatmeal cake -- it looked like... well, I'll refrain from expressions and just let you imagine. It was not the tastiest thing I've ever made -- sorry bout that one HG.
Then coming back from HG my car broke... it would start and everything was fine except it was stuck in park and wouldn't shift -- some air lock shifter blah blahty blah thing. Now, Ol Silver Bullet has been good to me and I plan to sell her this summer, but she has hit the 101,000 mile mark. Anyway called a tow truck waited like 2 hours, it came, they wouldn't tow it because it was already midnight, so made an appt for them to tow it in the morning. Then some guys (Jeff & Micah) decide to go mess with it some more and it magically shifts again and is like nothing ever happened --- cool. So, take it in today just to make sure nothing is terribly wrong and I can drive to H-town thursday. They're like 'we hooked up your car 15 times and there is nothing wrong with it!' And they didn't charge me, which was cool! So, my car got healed! sweet!
Didn't have a car so I ran back from class today, my apt is like a mileish from campus so my roommate dropped me off and I just didn't take anything to class except my ipod and after it was over I just ran on back to the apt. That was kind of funny.
Worked at Carenet today -- it was really hard. In meeting with these girls lately who have had TERRIBLE home lives and experienced so much abuse and violence in their lives I have been able to feel darkness like I haven't in a while. Its like this tangible, heaviness that just makes me shudder and feel real uneasy. It has been really cool though in a few of these situations specifically where I start praying or just telling them things that the Bible says are true and I can feel the power and virtue in the truth. Kind of like when that lady touched Jesus'garment and he knew power went out from Him. Light always wins!
I guess that's about it, oh yeah seriously dating this one guy -- 5 dates in 3 days kind of thing. ya know...
j/k, just trying to top Anna Beth -- she's hard to keep up with. =o) jk

Well -- back to the test review... and for the record -- cubbies are laaaaame.

Light of the WORLD

I feel I need to preface this with some of the events from this past week: I have been sharing a room with a 9 yr old boy from AB's school b/c he and his mom are homeless right now and she can't handle him sometimes. I went to a benefit concert for Africa last night and saw 'Invisible Children', I started volunteering at this day care for kids in a very poor neighborhood and got cussed out more than I ever have in my entire life by 5-6 year olds who think those words are normal conversation, I've been listening to J C's songs about Charity means Love all week, I saw a client at the preg center who had been sexually abused by both of her brothers and a sister, and going to a class about AIDS in South Africa .... God has been doing a lot in my heart through all of these things and it kind of just all came out last night in this...

Pain, Injustice, Suffering surrounds
like thick darkness weighing down around,
I am a light, and I WILL shine,
it is the nature of the darkness
to magnify the light to its very source.
So, what's the deal? Why the defeat coming,
creeping ever closer, threatning
to extinguish my flame?
I know it can't be quenched, the Spirit in me,
and yet right now I feel the depths of my soul
resound in an anguished cry for the orphans,
the invisible children, the impoverished, starving,
diseased, not just in the world, or even in my city,
but in my bedroom sleeping right next to me... 9 years old.
God, I see You -- You are not gone.
You are the widow, the abducted child, the weak, the mom
who can't care for her kids ... I see You.
But, what I don't see is the freedom, the hope
the life that You give. Jesus, be not far away
but run to the help of Your love tonight
because I can't rest warm in my bed while You are
on the streets. There's nothing else I can say
tonight Lord but cry to You Jesus... not with
requests even but with my entire soul groaning
before You on behalf of these.
I come into this darkness and beg You to shine.

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me." Micah7:7-8

Fun Day!

So ... I had a really fun day yesterday and just wanted to share it with y'all. So, class schmass blah blah it was cold so I skipped my last class and went home -- because I was cold? Yeah, not a good reason but it convinced me at the time. Then, went home and worked on Missy's birthday present. I painted her a picture and I am just counting on her not checking my blog before I go to Austin tonight to celebrate her birthday with her... so don't tell her.(it isn't finished yet -- hence the random white space, but it is almost done -- you can imagine with me.)



And then, I get a call from some friends who are exchange students this semester from Turkey and they told me they had a surprise for me and wanted me to come to the SUB. So, I went to the SUB with some guys that are also friends with these exhchange students and we're walking around looking for them, and when we find them they had set up a table in the sub and were giving away free pudding. They went to Dallas yesterday so that their friend's mom could make this special dessert from Turkey in honor of a holiday that is happening there right now celebrating Noah. So, they made this 'Noah's pudding' and gave it away for free in the SUB to whomever was brave enough to try it! It was SOOOOOOO CUTE! I mean, I was just amazed that they took the initiative to do something like this and share their culture and beliefs with Baylor and it was really cool to sit at the table with them giving this stuff out and talking about Turkey to the students at Baylor. So, the pudding was really good and it was just fun time with them.
So, then I went home and was just hanging out with roommates when these Turkish guys came over to give all of my roomates (all 8 of us) pudding. I noticed they were saving some and not giving it all away but I guessed they were just keeping it for themselves -- it was SO sweet of them.
Then, I went and babysat for Mission Waco. They had this lady named Mary Nelson who is over 80 and has done community organizing and worked towards ending poverty in inner city Chicago for YEARS. So, I got to have dinner with her just by chance because I was seated by her and she is SO amazing, it was really cool to talk with her about ending poverty and ways to make that reality. Then babysat for some GREAT kids, it was really fun.
Then, went bowling with a bunch of my friends and the Turkish guys -- who are AMAZING at bowling by the way -- I was totallly surprised. However... I just want to be prideful for a minute and tell you that I broke 100 TWICE and not only that but I also bowled a TURKEY! That is 3 strikes in a row people! I know... my game was OVER after that but it was SOOOOOOOO fun.

Basically, I just really enjoyed being with my friends yesterday and was so surprised how much I was ministered to and loved through spending time with these people yesterday.

To Mich.... it has been almost a year since I moved in with you and I just wanted to say that I love you, miss you and can't wait to live with you again -- here's to you fife! 

This is my step mom, sister, me and dad at Corey (step brother) & Ellen's rehearsal dinner... the wedding was BEEEEUTIFUL and it was really fun! 

Blessed are the poor....

Alright, been thinking a lot and reading a lot about these things and I don’t think I’ve come to a whole lot of conclusions, but consider this my ‘verbal processing’ of poverty and what it means to take a proactively Christian approach to the poor in your neighborhood.
I think what I am getting most hung up about is this idea of empowering as opposed to sustaining. As Christians we can continue to give to those in poverty in a way that sustains their position as a receiver and an individual on the edge of poverty. I think that this is biblical – that we are called to give to those who ask of us and not expect anything in return. The idea of giving to the poor and giving generously and continuously is biblical, I don’t have any qualms about it. “Therefore if you have not been faithful in the use of unrighteous wealth, who will entrust the true riches to you?” Luke16:11 … I mean there ya have it, measured by our own standard of giving.
But this type of service keeps me in a position to give and keeps the other person in a position to receive – I am the one in control, the one with the power. Poverty as a condition is ultimately about the distribution of power and I don’t see how this is going to tip the power scale to the side of the marginalized. Even if I choose to form a relationship with this person and I become an advocate for the injustice that is happening in the life of this individual, I am still in control and still in a position to give therefore forcing the other person into a receiver posture. I don’t think that this means that we should just shrug our shoulders and go about our business without giving, loving, advocating …. But what about moving past this place of sustaining poverty and actually empowering these blessed ones to take hold of kingdom riches and their identity in Jesus in a way that transforms entire lives and communities? These sound like two radically different things to me.
What was Jesus really saying when He said “Blessed is the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”(Matt 5)? I don’t think that He was excusing us from caring for the poor by passing over them with a ‘God bless you’, but that He really means it – the poor are blessed, they really do posses treasures of the kingdom of God. I love this quote from Robert Lupton: I need the poor? For what? The question exposes my blindness. I see them as the weak ones to be rescued, not as bearers of the treasures of the kingdom. The dominance of my giving overshadows and stifles the rich endowments the creator has invested in those who I consider destitute.
So, what does this mean for those of us who desire to live as Christ? I am not sure I know the answer except that it is not enough to remain the helper and the giver but we’ve got to open ourselves up to empower these people because I can’t imagine a deeper poverty than to have nothing to offer to anyone. That is the deep wound of poverty – worthlessness, not having anything of value to offer to the world, this is the lie sealed in the hearts of these ‘poor’ souls -- that the image of the Creator in whose likeness they have been formed is absent. The very essence of creation in the image of God conveys worth and value and beauty that is quenched in these people who are reminded constantly of their un-value and worthlessness – what a terrible lie to live with daily.
Coming from a middle class background into a culture of poverty no matter what country you are in is a cross-cultural experience. There are so many ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ already when trying to be sensitive to another culture but when you add poverty into the mix, how do you not take away their identity? It just seems wrong to me for me to be the one to presume to know what the local poor community needs and therefore implement the appropriate program. Who knows the heartbeat and true problem of the community better than those who have wrestled with it for years? The difference between sustaining and empowering lies here – how can we empower the people in poverty to be instruments of change within their families and communities in a way that speaks to THEIR needs and not to what we perceive the needs to be? And herein lies my struggle… how can we be proactive, move towards justice, advocate equality, give help and love to these individuals without tipping the scale of power even more by making it ‘our responsibility’ instead of the communities? I am not sure if this makes sense outside of my head – but basically I want to empower the community to be it’s own instrument of change without putting ourselves in a position to be ‘helper’ and ‘giver’ and the poor to be ‘receiver’ and ‘helpless’.
Admittedly, there are so many hurdles to loving in a way that speaks power into the life of another – especially with poverty because it runs so deep and isn’t just in the housing area but in the child rearing and the education level and the drug addictions and so on. As I’ve been getting more involved with poor people in my own community, I have had to ask a lot of questions about what it means to be truly loving because I don’t think Jesus would just give a $20 and a hug – he always spoke to the sin, to the heart of the matter and then spoke hope and power into the lives of the broken… man, I want to be like that.

Happs of this week

Sorry for not updating sooner -- choose an excuse -- it is probably true. So, here are the recent happenings of my life...

got my rat this week for my learning and behavior class, her name is Splinter. I tried to pick a lively one because I have to spend at least 2 hours a week with her. Well, in so doing I picked a squirmer who proceeded to poop on me about 12 times. That's gross. However, we got reaquainted today and she didn't poop on me at all -- so, looks like our relationship is really blossoming.
Matt Chandler spoke at church this week during revivial -- it was awesome! He spoke some really challenging truth about being created to push back the darkness and that the reason we are so bored is because we're living for smaller things. He talked about using our resources -- literally everything God has given us in order not only to serve the least but to become their slaves. I was really convicted as he spoke last night about really KNOWING God verses knowing about Him -- I feel like I find myself in this cycle of being trapped in that. So -- it was good, he makes me laugh AND love Jesus more.
I got pooped on by a bird while walking with AB -- thought of you J
Saw 2 married ladies at the pregnancy center who were pregnant, planning on it, stable, and happy -- this is a rare occurance so it was fun!
Read a book by Augustine - Enchiridion on Faith, Hope and Love ... it was pretty good, one of my favorite things about it was the way that He discussed grace and how we are sustained by the unmerited favor of God. "His umerited mercy should shine forth the more brightly in contrast with the unworthiness of its objects"
Prayed a lot more than I have been for my sister, family, friends, leadership, the church, the lost ... it has been good

Well, that's about it for now.... more to come

Would you check out that good looking one in the middle?! I mean, who would believe she recently bore a child.... I was there and can't believe it! Jess -- I miss you already! 

I love my roommate! This was from Scott & Abby's wedding 

This was Oklahoma with the fam, Elyse, her boyfriend and I went on a 6 mile hike this day -- it was long, but fun