I know I haven't talked much about my life recently and I think it's because I'm not sure where to start. Being engaged has been fun - and not fun, but I didn't quite anticipate the feelings that I've had and the issues that have surfaced. It's funny, I thought that by the time I got married I would be someone different than I am now. Not that I wouldn't be me, but that I would have figured out more by now about service and selflessness. If I've learned anything in the last couple months it is that I have so much room to grow and that God chooses to use your spouse to refine you more than anyone else. Somewhere in my brain I knew that cognitively, but experiencing it has been really significant for me.
There is something healing about just knowing that Jeff is committed to me forever, no matter what....he chose me. I feel so honored by him and am so excited to have the opportunity grow beside him. He is an excellent sharpening iron. I'm sure that he has been all along, but for lots of years I just kept trying to shape and mold him without allowing who he is naturally to sharpen ME. I can be SO arrogant, it should be illegal. I don't think I've fully understood what unconditional acceptance, grace, and love is available to me in Jesus until I received that from Jeff. That in itself has transformed me - hopefully forever.
It is such a unique blessing to have the opportunity to become more like Jesus by getting married. I like to think that I have loved people for a long time, and loved them well. But, somehow marriage brings a completeness to it that I didn't have before. I loved to spend time with people (occasionally), to go out of my way for them (sometimes), to meet their needs (when possible)... but what I didn't understand was the complete otherness of the marriage relationship. I don't get to quit when it isn't convienient for me, when I'm tired or busy. Marriage in a way that honors God is completely selfless and beautiful. Marriage isn't about making me happy, someone probably told me that before - but I didn't believe them... however, marriage is wholly about making me holy and I'm SO excited about that. I fully expect a lot of 'failure' as Jeff & I enter into marriage and becoming more holy, but I'm really excited about growing together. There is NO ONE I'd rather fight with and for than you, Jeff - I love you.
