Well, I am back in Waco and it's a little weird. So far no job, it is kinda funny though because I am hanging out with homeless friends and they're like 'Did you get a job yet?' and I am like 'Nope. Did you?' and they're like 'nope.' So, I am learning to identify with them in a whole new way and it has been very cool and humbling. I've been thinking a lot about brokenness and have been surprised by the lies that I believed about it and even some of the lies that I have heard from other people about it. I used to think that God's purpose in brokenness was about suffering and dependence and learning and while those may very well be aspects of it... it is not the end. I wrote this last week...
"Make me to hear joy and gladness, let the bones which you have broken rejoice." I didn't write that, David did in Psalm 51, but my reflection on that was: I am struck again tonight by brokenness and how God rebuilds and refines through scorching fires. His heart is for wholeness and because of our sin that sometimes takes a seemingly twisted form, but He's there healing and bringing hope all along if you will choose Him. He is there drawing the broken pieces deeper into Himself to restore the whole puzzle. The pain is real, but so is the healing. Thanks be to God! Then a couple days later I was out at this birdwatching park (I know it sounds lame and like I am 63) just listening and I saw this tree that looked so strong and big but had this one limb that was just hanging there, totally bent over but not broken off yet and God just said 'A broken reed I wil not destroy.' And He gently reminded me that brokenness is not for destruction but for restoration and wholeness.
This has taught me to embrace fully whatever brokenness God would bring me and not be afraid of it or feel despair over it. He is so good and totally loving in ways I could have never imagined, I feel kind of like I am getting to know Jesus all over again right now -- it is pretty sweet! Anyway, just wanted to share some things I've been thinking about and the hope that is ours in Christ Jesus for wholeness
8.25.2006
8.16.2006
pictures!
this was the rehearsal dinner and some wonderful friends from the other side of the world!
this is from the beautiful Missy's wedding!...obviously, It was SOOOO fun and such a reflection of Jesus, it was wonderful!
These are some of my favorite people from candidate school... it was SO FUN!
the veil
This is a picture of what I wore to a fashion show a couple weeks ago... nice huh? It is traditional Baharainian garb. I wore the black over the red which was worn over my normal clothes. I wore it all for about 2 hours before I got to take off the black. You know, I have so much respect for those women who choose to cover themselves. And I didn't feel stifiled, I felt secure. I was able to sit there in a room full of people and feel totally invisible, kids dream of doing that. I think in our Western way we're so used to this 'need' to express ourselves that we just imagine that Eastern covered women feel oppressed... I don't think so anymore. Here's a picture of me with it all on...
8.15.2006
Live in the meanwhile and groan well
What does it mean for me to live in the meanwhile?
As Christians we are in this wonderful balance between the fulfillment of God’s promises to us and the world he has given to us. This is the meanwhile.
I live in the meanwhile when my attitude and actions reflect that there is a hope for something yet to be attained and at the same time I do not fail to recognize the world that is currently surrounding me. This looks like being actively engaged in preparing myself and others to receive that which is the fulfillment of my entire life’s hope. I would count myself with Paul in saying that I will have wasted my WHOLE life and should be pitied if Christ, whom I have built my life upon – is not who He said He was and is. The meanwhile groans for what is to come while rejoicing in what exists now. The meanwhile does not use worldly standards of success or failure but believes and hopes all things in Christ Jesus. While I may be a wanderer or vagabond, I am never without aim or direction. To live in the meanwhile is to be profoundly affected by the grace of God daily – his grace was not in vain in my life, but continues to transform me into the very image of Jesus Himself.
As Christians we are in this wonderful balance between the fulfillment of God’s promises to us and the world he has given to us. This is the meanwhile.
I live in the meanwhile when my attitude and actions reflect that there is a hope for something yet to be attained and at the same time I do not fail to recognize the world that is currently surrounding me. This looks like being actively engaged in preparing myself and others to receive that which is the fulfillment of my entire life’s hope. I would count myself with Paul in saying that I will have wasted my WHOLE life and should be pitied if Christ, whom I have built my life upon – is not who He said He was and is. The meanwhile groans for what is to come while rejoicing in what exists now. The meanwhile does not use worldly standards of success or failure but believes and hopes all things in Christ Jesus. While I may be a wanderer or vagabond, I am never without aim or direction. To live in the meanwhile is to be profoundly affected by the grace of God daily – his grace was not in vain in my life, but continues to transform me into the very image of Jesus Himself.
8.13.2006
more than you probably ever wanted to know about me..
One of the fun things for me about Candidate School was that we got to take all these personality inventories and different psychological evaluations that served to tell us more about who we are and how God has made us. I learned some valuable stuff about myself and my strengths and weaknesses. I think this stuff is so cool and totally love it, so if you know what you are, tell me!
I am an extreme personality… this is probably obvious to most of you, but on these tests I was not moderately anything, I was all the way there or not there at all. My dot was on the edge of the circle or my line way out there, you get the picture.
I am an ENFP, which stands for Extroversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving. As far as my E goes, I like to initiate with people, I am very expressive (characterized by: ‘may sometimes wonder whether you’ve talked too much or said inappropriate or perhaps embarrassing things’), I am Gregarious- Intimate meaning I like both kinds of interactions, I am also active-reflective in that I like contact with people but also like to have my space to process stuff. I am also very enthusiastic. My N, for intuition was very strong, meaning I am not at all sensing (concrete, realistic, practical experiential, traditional). So, this means that I am abstract, imaginative, conceptual, theoretical and original meaning ‘you would rather figure out your own way than read the directions’… ummm yeah, I throw the box away without even taking out the directions.
The F is for feeling which I was either all the way there or totally on the other side. I am all the way empathetic, compassionate, and accepting. However, I am out of preference for feeling in that I am also questioning (‘are typically tactful but can be skeptical, confrontational, and outspoken’) and a combination of the tough-tender.
My P is also all perceiving and no judging. This means that I prefer flexibility and spontaneity and not decisiveness and closure. I ‘like to wait, see what happens, and then wing it.’
So, things this helped me learn about myself and how I relate to others… while I feel like I am really open minded, I really do tend to respond to people pretty universally from my own limitations of how I function best. I really need to limit my expressiveness sometimes to those who appreciate my style and be okay when people don’t appreciate it. I also need to start making some plans and working out the details earlier.
There was this other test we took to measure interpersonal skills and I had the HIGHEST score of the entire group… this means that I really value working with other people and want to be included, kind of want to have some control, and want affection. Apparently affection is my highest need and control is my lowest priority. So, while it will always be true about me that I value people and having relationships with people I am also learning a lot about building better boundaries in my friendships and releasing A LOT of expectations that I have for myself and others.
Lastly, we took this Team Dimensions Profile test to figure out what role we normally take on teams and I am an advancer leaning towards creativity. The definition of an advancer is those team members who communicate new ideas and carry them forward are advancers. They focus on the personal, interactive world of feelings and relationships. Advancers manage the human component of any solution, and they enjoy whipping up enthusiasm for a project. Apparently some of my challenges here are sticking to a schedule and paying attention to details as well as passing up opportunities to socialize and being disorganized or scattered, I ‘may appear haphazard to some people’. So, this is apparently frustrating to others… sorry guys, I am working on it? My strengths however are keeping an open flow of communication and not getting discouraged easily. I also ‘feel very comfortable and energized when performing in front of a group of people.’ I also have a spontaneous streak, am unconventional and I am a rule bender.
So… there ya have it, the world according to Erin Walker, it is kind of strange isn’t it? But these tests were SO true about me, which was what made it pretty interesting and entertaining as well.
I am an extreme personality… this is probably obvious to most of you, but on these tests I was not moderately anything, I was all the way there or not there at all. My dot was on the edge of the circle or my line way out there, you get the picture.
I am an ENFP, which stands for Extroversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving. As far as my E goes, I like to initiate with people, I am very expressive (characterized by: ‘may sometimes wonder whether you’ve talked too much or said inappropriate or perhaps embarrassing things’), I am Gregarious- Intimate meaning I like both kinds of interactions, I am also active-reflective in that I like contact with people but also like to have my space to process stuff. I am also very enthusiastic. My N, for intuition was very strong, meaning I am not at all sensing (concrete, realistic, practical experiential, traditional). So, this means that I am abstract, imaginative, conceptual, theoretical and original meaning ‘you would rather figure out your own way than read the directions’… ummm yeah, I throw the box away without even taking out the directions.
The F is for feeling which I was either all the way there or totally on the other side. I am all the way empathetic, compassionate, and accepting. However, I am out of preference for feeling in that I am also questioning (‘are typically tactful but can be skeptical, confrontational, and outspoken’) and a combination of the tough-tender.
My P is also all perceiving and no judging. This means that I prefer flexibility and spontaneity and not decisiveness and closure. I ‘like to wait, see what happens, and then wing it.’
So, things this helped me learn about myself and how I relate to others… while I feel like I am really open minded, I really do tend to respond to people pretty universally from my own limitations of how I function best. I really need to limit my expressiveness sometimes to those who appreciate my style and be okay when people don’t appreciate it. I also need to start making some plans and working out the details earlier.
There was this other test we took to measure interpersonal skills and I had the HIGHEST score of the entire group… this means that I really value working with other people and want to be included, kind of want to have some control, and want affection. Apparently affection is my highest need and control is my lowest priority. So, while it will always be true about me that I value people and having relationships with people I am also learning a lot about building better boundaries in my friendships and releasing A LOT of expectations that I have for myself and others.
Lastly, we took this Team Dimensions Profile test to figure out what role we normally take on teams and I am an advancer leaning towards creativity. The definition of an advancer is those team members who communicate new ideas and carry them forward are advancers. They focus on the personal, interactive world of feelings and relationships. Advancers manage the human component of any solution, and they enjoy whipping up enthusiasm for a project. Apparently some of my challenges here are sticking to a schedule and paying attention to details as well as passing up opportunities to socialize and being disorganized or scattered, I ‘may appear haphazard to some people’. So, this is apparently frustrating to others… sorry guys, I am working on it? My strengths however are keeping an open flow of communication and not getting discouraged easily. I also ‘feel very comfortable and energized when performing in front of a group of people.’ I also have a spontaneous streak, am unconventional and I am a rule bender.
So… there ya have it, the world according to Erin Walker, it is kind of strange isn’t it? But these tests were SO true about me, which was what made it pretty interesting and entertaining as well.
8.11.2006
processing
So... candidate school.... woah -- it was so wonderful. My expectations were totally met and yet it was not at all what I expected?? I will be trying to process some of what happened the last 2 weeks because it was HUGE in my life. The greatest thing that happened was a lot of healing and freedom and maybe for the first time in my life really KNOWING who I am. It is funny that I pride myself on being overly self-aware and yet the me I discovered was not who I thought I was at all.
I realized that I saw myself as a sinner trying to be good instead of seeing myself under the grace that God has given me. Who you think you are dictates your thoughts, words, actions and all sorts of things. I wasn't living in the freedom that God gives to His children because in my heart I couldn't see myself the way that He sees me. I can't explain in words the liberation and brokenness of truly seeing myself. Here is something God spoke to me and I wrote about it ...
"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18"
The me He sees
I know you can't always see in yourself what is so obvious to others.
Your perception is muddied with stains of past sin and lies you believed.
What you believe about yourself flows out in your words, actions, and thoughts.
We've got to clean this up -- I want you to see with clarity the me that I see in you.
I give you this mirror that is the reflection of My glory -- so you can take a good look at yourself now.
Can you see the transformation My child?
The way My beauty and My being are alive inside of you?
You are My beloved, clothed in dignity and strength. I take great delight in you just as you are, My very own creation.
Do not regard yourself according the the flesh any longer, no -- your worth is far more than any earthly treasure.
You are precious, you are beautiful, you are captivating and I treasure you.
Nothing will ever be more true about you than the me that I see.... I love you Erin
I realized that I saw myself as a sinner trying to be good instead of seeing myself under the grace that God has given me. Who you think you are dictates your thoughts, words, actions and all sorts of things. I wasn't living in the freedom that God gives to His children because in my heart I couldn't see myself the way that He sees me. I can't explain in words the liberation and brokenness of truly seeing myself. Here is something God spoke to me and I wrote about it ...
"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18"
The me He sees
I know you can't always see in yourself what is so obvious to others.
Your perception is muddied with stains of past sin and lies you believed.
What you believe about yourself flows out in your words, actions, and thoughts.
We've got to clean this up -- I want you to see with clarity the me that I see in you.
I give you this mirror that is the reflection of My glory -- so you can take a good look at yourself now.
Can you see the transformation My child?
The way My beauty and My being are alive inside of you?
You are My beloved, clothed in dignity and strength. I take great delight in you just as you are, My very own creation.
Do not regard yourself according the the flesh any longer, no -- your worth is far more than any earthly treasure.
You are precious, you are beautiful, you are captivating and I treasure you.
Nothing will ever be more true about you than the me that I see.... I love you Erin
8.02.2006
Please Pray!
So, it is only day 3 at candidate school, but it has been SOOOOO good, truly. I am not ready to process everything yet and don't think that I need to at this point. I would just ask you to pray. I really sense that this is going to be a time of deep healing, affirmation, and refinement in my life. I was just confronted earlier today about my lack of belief, in that I don't really believe God to heal the deepest hurts and fears in my life but I long for that so deeply. So, there is much hope and I am excited about the days ahead. Isn't it wonderfully beautiful that we are CONTINUALLY transformed into the image of Jesus actually sharing in His glory?! Well, this is all for now. Thanks for your prayers
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
