grrrrr... okay so I tried twice to do this post about how sad I am to leave Tky and all the wonderful things I am going to miss about it! Apparently now is not the time to be getting sentimental because both posts wouldn't work! so instead here is me looking onto the beauty that is Istanbul... ahhhh... I am trying to absorb every drop in the next 4 days! I can't believe I am actually going to leave -- well gotta end this now before I get too choked up 

Favorite people continued... these are more of my favorite people. Not only are these some good looking women -- but their love for me and passion for the Lord in all things has truly changed my life. I am super blessed to get to share life with these ladies. I just want to put them all in my pockets so I can take them with me everywhere .... but that would require some large pants and seriously restrict their social lives -- well, we'll think of something? 

These are some of my favorite people in the whole world -- and I've met a lot of people! There are 4 of us in the picture... you can't see little Emma because we are squishing her -- but she is my favorite already too! I love your faces! 

Why Jesus isn't a good idea

I didn’t earn it and I have failed to prove my worth. I will never deserve it … which is precisely why it is a gift – completely unwarranted and without any equivalent, unrepayable, unexchangeable, unique in every aspect.
Yet something in me cringes at the prospect… You mean I didn’t do anything to gain favor? You mean this isn’t about my merits? Like it would be easier to keep an account with grace that way I could keep track of it and not be the one always in debt.
This warm, fuzzy Jesus I choose to cuddle up next to sometimes is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. A tool I can manipulate and use to comfort myself… but it is just that -- my own creation.
Sometimes after an extended period cuddling with Jesus it becomes clear that this Jesus is just a good idea – something that exists in my mind that allows me to say ‘I am right, I am good, I’ve got it all together.’ Like Jesus is some fancy life cleaner upper that comes in a sparkly bottle.
The thing is, I really do know and love Jesus and yet my life gets pretty messy and rarely does it sparkle. So what’s the deal? Aren’t I using Jesus the right way? Isn’t there some kind of warranty or 5 year guarantee? Can I trade it in for a new one please? It is in moments like these that I realize that I really don’t get it, do I?
When I take a good look at Him without my own Jesus-colored glasses on, I can see why people hated Him, feared Him, and fell on their faces speechless before Him. Turns out He’s not warm, fuzzy Jesus after all.
I’ve decided good idea Jesus is really a crappy idea because at the end of the day I am still lonely, still waiting for someone to tell me I am good, and most of all, I am still separated from God.
The more I share Jesus with my friends the more I realize good idea Jesus only exists in the mind – but he will never penetrate the heart. It’s in sharing Jesus with my friends, who from the world’s perspective don’t have anything to gain from choosing Him but in fact have everything to loose, that I can see that good idea Jesus is all a sham.
But true Jesus, life giving, soul altering, shake you from the inside out Jesus …. He is real and He is SO worth it. Loving Him is worth all of the times I can’t understand and He won’t tell me why. He is worth all of the discipline of quieting my heart to all the outside noise to hear him even when He chooses to remain silent. He is worth the pain and distress that will come with being obedient and mending the broken, loving those who have nothing to give back, and letting go of the pretty packaged dream the world is constantly trying to sell.
See, Good idea Jesus and the Real Thing can’t exist together because one is truth and the other is a lie. Everyday I have to choose – what’s it gonna be today Erin… pretty Jesus that I can control and use for my own advantage, or Jesus I can’t begin to grasp that exists not in my mind but in relationship with me – and relationships are complicated.
I want to be marked by my passion and love for the true Jesus, but sometimes when life gets too busy or Jesus stops making sense to me, I put my trust in good idea Jesus without even realizing it. It’s not until I try and tell someone about this Jesus that it hits me that the power and the relationship are gone and what I am talking about is a formula and a set of ideas and not my Savior, Redeemer, Lover, Husband, my God.
So I’ve temporarily stopped my tab with grace, realizing that I will never be able to pay it back and I’ve put good idea Jesus back in the ‘big, fat, ugly, lie’ closet where he belongs. (What? Doesn’t everyone have one of those to put stuff in, like clothes from the 80’s and the list of reasons why I am better than you?)
I know there will be times when I will be tempted to try to pay God back by showing Him how cool I really am and to put my trust in good idea Jesus instead of pursuing relationship with Him …. But I know now that it’s all empty and meaningless next to the Real Thing that has captivated my entire life and saved me from emptiness and chasing after wind. And you know what? I am glad Jesus isn’t a big teddy bear after all.

THANKFUL!

So... last night some really sweet friends spent the night and we decided to go for a walk. (The picture is of me and my friends on campus) Neither of the girls had ever been to Bogazici before so we walked through campus. Bogazici is the University I was able to go to last spring and in Turkey it is kind of considered the 'Harvard of Turkey.' Whenever people found out I went to Bogazici they would all kind of ohhh and ahhhh. The way they do the testing system here to get into the Universities is totally different than the states and I hate it. I think it stinks -- I want to kick the stupid OSS in the face, if it had one that is. Basically whatever score you get on the test determines what University you can go to and what profession you can pursue. So kids that dream their whole lives of being doctors can be bad test takers and never get to be a doctor or go to the University they have always wanted to. I've had several friends get their hopes crushed and either have to wait a year to take the test or just settle for something else. I've been here the past 3 years when these test scores come back and inevitably every time there is a friend who gets a 'bad score'.... ughhhh!!! I shake my fist at you OSS every year and you still come back!!!
So, last night as we were walking through the campus with these girls who were like .... we could never dream of going here and were just thrilled to have stepped onto the campus -- I was really humbled. I complain about school a lot, I don't work as hard as I could frequently, and I can always find something to complain about whether Bogazici or Baylor.
I was really convicted. And I am really thankful for the opportunities I have had to go to school and pursue my dreams both here and in America. Thanks Mom and Dad for helping me go to school and for expecting me to graduate and always do well in school. I know that it's not the end and it has really never been that important to me.... but it matters in a different way now. I have attended two amazing Universities that have had huge influences on who I am today.... I hear that only 1% of the world's youth gets to go to a University. So, I only have 1 year left and I want to finish well, not complain so much, not skip class as much, and really appreciate the opportunity I have been given. That's all.

Okay, these didn't post right so you're gonna need to read the post about the new hair first! Stop looking cheaters.....stop reading this now and avert your eyes from the other picture too! do it!! .

aight... here it is.... press 1 for mullet and 2 for 80s rockstar hair. --- Here's to Edward.

I got new hair!

So.... the other day I went to the Kuafor - the Turkish barber for the first time. I only get my hair cut like 2-3 times a year to begin with and generally it's just shorter, I don't do anything too dramatic. Heh... you know what's coming don't you?
First let me set the stage for this place. An appropriate description was given by my friend when she asked where the 'big man who prances around like a stallion' was. The salon only had male hair dressers, now I am not sure if that is just a common thing for Turkey -- from what I've noticed it is. For example, every time I walk by 'penti world' (panty world) or any other store like that there are only men that work there. The same way that there was only men working at the hello kitty store and the guys at the bazaar that sell bras. So, it struck me as a little weird that there were only women getting their hair done but there was not a woman hair dresser to be seen. Don't get me wrong, these guys are no amateurs -- they know their stuff. In fact, Edward scissor hands cut my hair. At least that is what I nicknamed this guy. I've never seen hands fly like that -- you remember the part where he makes the ice sculpture... it was like that but with my head. There was hair flying, hands waving, people oohing and awwwwing. Okay, no one did that -- they were all to stunned to speak I am sure.
Oh Edward, he really didn't know what to think about me. He was so convinced I was Turkish... he kept telling me 'You look like everyone else....blahblahblah (I stopped understanding)' . He was like 'So your Dad's turkish?' ...'no'....'So your mom's Turkish?' ....'no'... 'Who in your family was Turkish?'. And then later he asked my friends I was with if I was Turkish, like maybe they would tell him the truth. He told me 'You listen, I will just tell you.... (stopped understanding again)' Edward really thought that since I looked Turkish I would just understand him so he just talked and I smiled thinking 'He must think I am really stupid because I can't understand him and when I talk I sound like a 3 year old.'
So, I now have a very European haircut.... I can't decide if it qualifies for mullet status or is more 80s rockstar hair. You can vote and let me know. Right now I am leaning towards 80s rockstar but I mean really -- who wants a mullet? (still trying to forget the Bobby mullet)

Read Me!

So I've been reading this book trilogy that I am going to have to highly reccomend to anyone with the ability to read. And seeing as how you are reading this right now -- that means you! I don't want to give too much away about these books because I want you to read them so instead I am just going to say what these books have made me think about....
So, I feel like I have a better look at what it was really like for people who were around when Jesus was and I can really understand now why they thought he was crazy. I mean who is this guy who prances in (I don't think Jesus really pranced for the record) and tells everyone not to fast while he is around, tells them that to win the war they've got to turn the other cheek and love their enemies, he runs away and hides when they try to enthrone him, and goes through their holy places in a rage at the desecration of the place?! I mean if he wasn't who he said he was then he was simply crazy. I don't think you can even call Jesus a good teacher --- he wasn't really. he told stories that people couldn't understand and never gave direct answers to anyone's questions. I think if I were around back in that day too that I am not so sure I wouldn't be yelling along with everyone else 'crucify him!' , I don't think I would have gotten it either -- it's not that the disciples were stupid.
It has made me think about the narrow way in which I view God and the things that I want Him to be that cause me to miss out on who He really is and what He is really trying to say. Man, I don't want to be those people that have been reading and following the law of God for so long that when it becomes flesh and turns everything upside-down that they can't see God. I don't want to love the law or the idea of God more than I know and love Him. I want to see Him and respond even if it goes against everything I thought it would look like.
I'll never forget about a month ago I was reading one morning and really hurting for my friend and being frustrated that it seemed like in her life God would just never give her a break and God said to me .... 'Erin, don't be stupid.' I know! I was like 'Excuse me?' but there it was in scripture... "And when will you (Erin) understand, stupid ones? He who planted the ear, does He not hear? He who formed the eye, does He not see?' Psalm94:8-9
I don't want to miss Him and it freaked me out to realize that I don't think I would have recognized Jesus or even really liked him either if I had been around back then. I am praying that we wouldn't be blinded by our own expectations and that we would KNOW Jesus intimately enough to recognize Him in our world today and not be fooled by imitations of Him.


Read it: it goes Black, Red, and then White

Meet Mehmet... he likes nescafe 3 in 1

So... I took this painting class this past semester at Bogazici. It was WAY fun.... and entirely in another langauge -- and for me art was pretty much already a foreign language. It was really fun though and I learned that I really like art and painting is relaxing for me. So, this was my semester project and it was on display for 2 weeks at the Bogazici art exhibition in May. It's called 'Turkish Cafe' -- I know, real orginal ... the guy sitting with the coffee -- his name is Mehmet he goes to that Cafe every day and never sits in the yellow chair!...I know, don't ask me why, you'd have to ask Mehmet. I hadn't varnished the painting yet when this picture was taken so it's all shiny and then not shiny. It has since been varnished and looks better in person. So, that's it -- Turkish Cafe, oil on canvas ... we'll start the bidding at 1 million (lira that is).

"I Do"

The most important ‘I do’ that I can ever speak or think doesn’t happen in white, and my lover sits enthroned over every man.
Marriage is a gift but singleness is too, one is not greater or more complete than the other.

For today God’s provision for me is singleness and I will drink this cup with joy because it comes from His hand.
I long for a husband and a family still today, but my greatest desire King Jesus, is and forever will be onlyYou.

All His ways are love and goodness both mate and myself to the same measure… because in the end, when this world is finished, I will stand as Jesus’ bride alone.

‘I do’ trust you today and forever.
‘I do’ joyfully submit to Your leadership Jesus Christ.
‘I do’ promise to love You forever and put You first over every part of myself… to You alone Jesus ‘I do.’

On Isaiah58

And if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted your light will rise in darkness and you gloom will become like midday. And the Lord will continually guide you and satisfy your desire in scorched places and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. Isaiah58:10-11

This promise really struck me last week and has become a source of both prayer and conviction in my life. Right before this promise God was talking about fasting and was responding to his people who were fasting and yet not receiving what they wanted (which is not the point of fasting) from God. These people were 'performing' for God and hoping to be noticed but in the midst of their fasting they were grumpy, mean, uncaring, quarrelsome, and all around unjust. It is really fascinating and unnerving how missing a few meals can really bring to the surface the ugliness in my heart that controls me. God's response to these people is that the fast He chooses is to loosen the bonds of wickedness...let the oppressed go free...divide your bread with the hungry...house the homeless and the poor... cover the naked... do not hide from your fellow man... He is not talking about skipping lunch but about a lifestyle of self denial and humble service to the world.
An unnegotiable characteristic of the Lord is the way that He loves the afflicted and commands us to do the same. I know that the Lord will maintain the cause of the afflicted and justice for the poor. psalm140:12. To me it is still a daunting thing to even face wickedness let alone make it leave, to set people free, to give food to the hungry, to bring poor and homeless people into my own home, to even see anyone naked and choose to take it upon myself to clothe them! Why do this Lord? was a question I had to ask... I don't think it's because these people deserve it, or because I am better than them and they need me, it's not because God needs my help either, or because I am really resourceful and have a lot to offer -- It's because He said to. Because it brings Him honor and shows who He is and not who we are.
Oh, the riches that would open up to us if we would actively and continually choose to live out these commands. It is without question that I can't do these things of my own good will -- and this is where the promise comes in. He promises that if we choose to do these things that He will show His light, that he will guide us, satisfy us, strengthen us, pour us out, and even repair and restore us in the process. As one who is often broken, this truth has helped me see that in the midst of brokenness I don't need to hide and wait for God to heal me before I can serve but that the act of service itself brings about healing for us.
I am acutely aware of the numerous opportunities I pass up everyday to do these very things -- but I really WANT this promise, and I am asking God to decrease me and my fears and increase my belief in Him and in God's truth that is better than anything I can choose to give or withhold from the dying world around me.

To act justly every day, loving mercy in every way. Seek to serve and not be served -- Jesus, You have shown us what You require.. freely we've received now freely we will give. We must go-- live to feed the hungry, stand beside the broken, we must go. Stepping forward, keep us from just singing, move us into action we must go. - Tim Hughes To Act Justly

This is my friend's neighbor teaching us how to dance ... didn't work for me, my hips will never move like that -- but it was fun anyway! 

YAY!!!! My best friends came to play a few weeks ago! It was really great to have them here and I miss them already! Love your faces Mis & AB!!! (notice your picture in the background you are both in the same places)