almost there

We are in Turkey for the day and will fly out to Iraq late tonight. The first leg of the journey was pretty uneventful - thankfully. We finally got some good sleep last night at our hotel in Istanbul. Jeff & I don't sleep well on planes, so we only got about 3 hours of sleep while in transit. We woke up at 5 am, well before the call to prayer, but we did go to bed about 9 last night. So, hopefully we can work out this jet lag in the next couple days! It is great to be back In Turkey, I always forget how much I love it here. It feels a little like home to me since I lived here for 6 months .... geeze, was that 4 years ago already? I was telling our taxi driver that last night because he was asking me about where I learned Turkish and he laughed at me and told me that I sure forgot a lot of words in 4 years... he was right.

I was reading on the plane yesterday and came across this poem 'If' by Rudyard Kipling that pretty much sums up all of the hope, fear, the new beginnings, the sense of self and determination that Jeff & I are so full of right now.

If you can keep your head when all about you
are loosing theirs and blaming it on you;
if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
but make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
or being hated, don't give way to hating,
and yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you an meet triumph or disaster
and treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
and stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make a heap of all of your winnings
and risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,,
and loose, and start again at your beginnings
and never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
to serve your turn long after they are gone.
and so hold on when there is nothing in you
except the Will which says to them : "Hold on",

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
or walk with kings - nor loose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
with sixty second's worth of distance run -
Yours is the earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man, my son!

Clearly, we still have a long ways to go here, and will certainly never fully attain all of this but it feels good to be right where you are supposed to be. I'll try and post some pictures when I have a better connection - it might be a while.

Love and miss you guys already!

Front Porch Swing

I was sitting on the swing at the Addison's house the other night just praying and listening and this is what I wrote...


The temperature outside is perfect, there is just barely a breeze and the air smells like freshly cut grass. The gentle rumble of thunder sounds in the distance along with flashes of lightning illuminated behind the setting sun. The frogs, crickets, cicadas and the fluttering of wings form their own chorus around me. The pond ripples in the distance and the faint quacking of ducks rises above the water. And here I sit, just an audience to this perfect July evening. Only, there is a heaviness weighing around me that makes every noise seem louder and a little bit threatening. This phrase keeps orbiting around in my brain reverberating off of my heart and not finding its home in my soul … ‘To live is Christ and to die is gain.’ The weight it carries with it makes the insect chorus around me seem like a chanting to some unknown climax. I came out here to sit on this swing and find a refuge in this wilderness and now I’m wondering if we are friends or foes. Afraid – that is what I feel, grasping – like I’m reaching for something I am not sure I could hold on to even if I could touch it. I can’t be in control, I don’t get to direct the choir around me and I won’t know ultimately if we can be friends. Lord, I don’t know what else to say except it is YOURS. The Earth is your footstool and yet you count the hairs on my head. There is pain, confusion, uncertainty, some fear, and lots of faith and hope in Your Supreme goodness.
I am inspired by the lives of the Saints, saints like Paul – Paul Saxon and Paul formerly known as Saul. They both endured pain and suffering I can’t even wrap my mind around and yet there was a simple trust in Your provision for them and the ultimate goodness of Your love towards your children that spurred them onward. I am in awe of the way their lives and their deaths point toward the indescribable worth of Jesus Christ in all things.
Is there a storm coming? Is that the tension that hangs in the air? I don’t know … and that is okay because right now all that matters is joining in the chorus around me to worship the Creator of the Universe.

Babies cont.

As promised here is Hannah Whitlark... she's grown a lot since these were taken, but my computer ate these files for a while


you wouldn't guess from this picture that Jeff is actually afraid of small babies


The beautiful Whitlarks... and Jason - just kidding, much love for the beard =o)


This is Elyse and Caden, he's going to be walking soon!!! I can't believe it!

Isn't he adorable?

Jeff is heading to South Asia for a couple weeks on Monday. It is going to be a great time for him and his team of 2 other guys to do lots of male bonding as they bike through the Hindu Kush mountains for 12 days. Be praying for endurance and wisdom for them as they spend time in villages with locals and are able to share stories about Jesus with them. I'm sure he would appreciate your prayers as they are traveling and biking. Look at these funny pictures I took of Jeff recently...


This is Jeff on the 4th of July making hamburgers for everyone. They were grill-tastic ummmm.... never mind.



This is Jeff and his cookie - he loves cookie cake. In high school I used to give him a hard time about saying 'supposedly' correctly because he would always say 'supposably' so I made some kind of deal with him where if he said it right so many times I would make him a cake. And when he did I made him a big cookie cake that said 'supposedly' on it. Isn't that stupid? I was such a dork - sure glad I grew out of that... I'm sure he is too.


This adorable one is Caden my nephew. He multiplied in size since the last time I saw him a couple months ago! He's sooooooo cute!

Babies!!!

Here's to you Brett, my faithful blog checker...

Aren't they beautiful! Meet Ellia May Gibson




She is SO beautiful!


Aren't they cute?!

I had some pictures of Hannah Whitlark I wanted to put up here too... but they have temporarily disappeared? I'll work on finding those...

OKLAHOMA...

where the wind comes sweeping o'er the plains? Is that it? I've actually never seen that musical or even heard the whole song. But here are some pictures from Oklahoma a couple weeks ago:


This is in the grandparent's backyard. My parents wedding reception was back here.


well... this would have been a good one. This is at Murphy's home of the hot hamburger!


This is at the Kiddie Park - where the last train ride is always free (instead of 50 cents)


This was at the OK Mozart concert - Stephen used to play one of those horns and Elyse... well there's just no good reason for that.


Bartlesville night life errrr - or something like that.

At Your Feet

It is true cause I am watching it unfold right now.
Trying to save, protect and preserve my life leads only to death.
How did I get here? Who fenced me in?
I did - when I built walls to keep you out I closed myself in too.
This isn't what I wanted! Let me outta here!
There's only one way out and I'm looking at it asking 'how?'
I WANT abundant life, peace, and freedom, but at what price?
Cause the only way I see is to die.
I can't leave any room for self or I'll end up back here again trying to claw my way over these walls.
I can't do it! It's too much!
'Let it go' He says to every objection I make.
Submission - a recognition of Authority and a choice to humbly lay down under it.
That's the only way to keep the walls down -- to lay low, with my very self and will bowed low to the ground in trust and humility before the Master.
Jesus, be my portion, Jesus, be my King. Lover of souls I am giving you all I have, because all that I need I will find at Your feet.

"The disposition to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self." T.C. Upham

My Love Hasn't Grown Cold

or has it... ?
I have been reflecting lately on who I have become and how I got here. I have a word document that is 26 pages of poems and other things I have written over the last 4 years. I was surprised by the life and passion that I remembered through those words I once wrote. This is something I wrote almost 2 years ago:
May 3, 2005
Thirsty
*Psalm34:8-9, Psalm36:5-9
I could never fathom the depths of my soul or drink deeply enough from the world’s riches to be full.
I never imagined the fullness of life that dwells inside me existed before…
But one taste – one drop, and the expanse of my soul opened up to all glory in heaven and on the earth.
To taste the goodness of My Lord flowing from the river of delight will forever confound me.
Where there once was arid desert, there now is a deep spring of life that continually brings restoration to my entire being.
I thirst, Jesus I thirst… but no longer am I quenched by fleshly desires that wage war against my soul.
My thirst is for You, my King, for holiness, for home – and it is precisely because I have tasted and been filled that I will return daily, parched for more of You.
Not because You are not enough to satisfy, but because the deeper I drink from Your fountain and of Your life, the more of me there is to fill.
Thank you Jesus, for the times in the desert that teach me to be thirsty – come now and flood the depths I didn’t even know I had.

I haven't thirsted like this in a really long time. I feel like I have been in this place of just kind of orbiting around not fully engaged or at rest either. There are parts of me that have grown a lot and a lot of healing that has happened - but I miss the purity of my devotion to Jesus that I once aimed for. I got lost in the 'duties' and forgot how to 'be'. It is hard to be passionate about Jesus alone, I feel like it is easy to get misdirected - to be passionate about the marginalized, the lost, or community and miss Jesus. My life has felt very about Jesus and not very with Jesus lately. There's this very Nora Jonesy sounding song by Bethany Dillion called 'My love hasn't grown cold', it has been a good reminder of the steadfast and unchanging love of God because that is hard for me to understand when I don't love anyone like that.

"Oh My love it does not tire or wane like the moon and all the times when you feel lost oh low and behold my love hasn't grown cold for you. You could steal away in the middle of the night and hide in the light of day while you cloak yourself in the darkest light but oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear and as soon as you look ahead, I am here. If only you could see how heaven stands when you speak and oh they dance and I have wrapped you in mystery and oh my love for you is as wide as the galaxies just hold out your hand and close your eyes, come, come be with me"

I want to be be with Jesus again and have it not be about anyone or anything else. Ask me how this is going? =o)

processing

So... candidate school.... woah -- it was so wonderful. My expectations were totally met and yet it was not at all what I expected?? I will be trying to process some of what happened the last 2 weeks because it was HUGE in my life. The greatest thing that happened was a lot of healing and freedom and maybe for the first time in my life really KNOWING who I am. It is funny that I pride myself on being overly self-aware and yet the me I discovered was not who I thought I was at all.
I realized that I saw myself as a sinner trying to be good instead of seeing myself under the grace that God has given me. Who you think you are dictates your thoughts, words, actions and all sorts of things. I wasn't living in the freedom that God gives to His children because in my heart I couldn't see myself the way that He sees me. I can't explain in words the liberation and brokenness of truly seeing myself. Here is something God spoke to me and I wrote about it ...

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18"

The me He sees

I know you can't always see in yourself what is so obvious to others.
Your perception is muddied with stains of past sin and lies you believed.
What you believe about yourself flows out in your words, actions, and thoughts.
We've got to clean this up -- I want you to see with clarity the me that I see in you.
I give you this mirror that is the reflection of My glory -- so you can take a good look at yourself now.
Can you see the transformation My child?
The way My beauty and My being are alive inside of you?
You are My beloved, clothed in dignity and strength. I take great delight in you just as you are, My very own creation.
Do not regard yourself according the the flesh any longer, no -- your worth is far more than any earthly treasure.
You are precious, you are beautiful, you are captivating and I treasure you.
Nothing will ever be more true about you than the me that I see.... I love you Erin

july 4th

tomorrow will mark the first July 4th I've spent in the country in a long time ... naturally, this got me thinking, and well, here ya go.

I want to truly honor my country today, not write her off or blindly pledge allegiance.
Being patriotic isn’t about colors, fireworks, or picnics outdoors.
For me it is about owning my country and taking responsibility.
I am in the top 2% of the world that gets to go to college – therefore, I must educate myself and those around me.
My country is less than 10% of the world’s population consuming 2/3 of its resources. We have taken on a great responsibility as consumers whether we want it or not.

Because our consumer culture is spreading like wildfire around the globe, America can ‘afford’ to pay less than a living wage to over 60% of its workforce, ensuring that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
And every time we get to spend less money on things because someone isn’t getting paid a living wage – they are laying down their lives for us. Meanwhile, we just keep feeding the machine by demanding lower prices for our food and name brands while children and adults are enslaved so we can wear a ‘swoosh’ on our shoe or drink more coffee while the kids get beaten and the bean harvester can’t feed his family.

We have enough literacy and technology and available resources to know what we are responsible for … so why don’t we care?
What are we saying as the most powerful and ‘liberated’ nation in the world if 852 million people went hungry in 2002, (this rate only mildly improved today) and it wasn’t just across the ocean. Hunger and poverty is in every backyard of America with 36 million going hungry every year right here at home.
We have the cure you know? With the $13 billion we spend every year feeding our pets we could provide basic health care and nutritional needs for the world’s poorest people.
The world looks on America as a Christian nation and I have to wonder if Jesus would be ashamed. What about us? Are we ashamed?

We are truly a great and powerful nation… but what is the point of claiming our citizenship here on earth if we are not going to use it to further the Kingdom of God here? We could have been born in some ghetto of Africa, but we weren’t and for that we are responsible to the Lord. America is not my right … what do I have that God did not give to me? Christians of America we have a great responsibility to Jesus Christ and to the world to prove them wrong about us.

After the Holocaust, the wars, Rwanda, Darfur, and now Iraq – the world wants to know if America has any morals, any love, any standards? We do, I know we do and every voice, every whisper for truth and justice speaks louder than MTV or violence. I do not despise my country, I love her and I love justice and mercy. I hope and pray that this will be the generation that rises up to stand for Truth and Love and takes ownership of the world as Bonhoeffer described it -- “The concrete sphere of responsibility given to us by and in Jesus Christ.

“Now will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night and will He delay long over them? I tell you that he will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” Luke 18:7-8

dusunme .... or thoughts

I am afraid to look, that I might see
the hurt, suffering, the world around me.

All the fences and locks, suburbs and blocks
can keep them away or just make me stay

Alone in a harbor that doesn't exist,
wasting away the time I just missed.

Jesus isn't a window, a shirt or the cross
He is THE GOD from the sky down to the moss.

The Earth is His, trees, people and money too,
He gives graciously today and each day anew.

Not so we can collect, hoard and build a nice life,
but that we would give beyond our kids and our wife.

To follow Jesus is to die to me -- completely
and go with him there to set people free,

Into the darkness, oppression, and evil, let's go,
trusting in Him who's faithfulness we know.

Fatherless, addicts, broken are we all, and
He wants each one at His wounded feet to fall.

Every injustice, cruelty and act of slavery
happens to us all because your pain diminishes me.

To come outside of our churches and stand
united to be Christ's own heart and hand.

It means we must touch, give, love, and recieve
living with the poor, rich, hurt, and diseased.

Through this is our cure and the freedom we seek,
Joyfully laying down 'rights' by giving strength to the weak.

At the end He will ask "What is it you see
in the face of the needy? -- Was it Me?"

Lessons From Timothy (and Co.)

Just as the vision begins to fade and confusion mingles with my certainty, the faithful shepherd senses my wandering and patiently beckons me home…

I hear in His voice the tenderness of a Father who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. (1Tim2:4)

Because this desire burns in Your heart it must be kindled in mine too. To burn up with passion for all men to see Truth exalted – I will not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord and I will join in suffering for the gospel according to the power of God. (2Tim1:8)

I was not ‘saved’ so I could continue to live in the pit – but I have been lifted and rescued and therefore do not count my life as my own. I know that He has called me with a holy calling, not according to my works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted me in Christ Jesus from all eternity. (2Tim1:9)

This holy calling is to preach the good news and I can’t be content to wait around here for the lost to find me when I know where there are millions just waiting.

Sometimes my flesh rebels and I think I can’t do it or just don’t want to – but, in the end it comes down to simply this … I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God. (Acts20:24)

Yeah, Some people think it is folly to seemingly throw my life away like this, but I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. (2Tim1:12)

It would be easier to pretend that my purpose in life is just to love God and enjoy the world He created… but no soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.(2Tim2:4)

I will not be deceived by lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power, (2Tim3:4-5) because I’ve experienced this power of God to transform broken, empty, ugly lives and now I can’t withhold it or retain to one side of the ocean.

After all – everyone who desires to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted (2Tim3:12) whether on this continent or another – it costs everything to follow Jesus wherever He chooses to lead.

So, I will go and preach the word; being ready in season and out of season; to reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction (2Tim4:2) because my choice was made the day I submitted to the One and Only Holy Lord.

I feel You with every beat of my heart – to live is to be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry (2Tim4:5) and as long as my heart beats my answer is ‘Yes, Lord’.

I long for Your kingdom – the lasting, eternal presence of You that cannot be ignored or denied but only enjoyed. Oh, Lord on that day let the cry of my heart be, ‘I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me crowns of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing.’ (2Tim4:7-8)

I know it won’t be easy, sometimes I will want to pack up and leave, but it isn’t about me and that’s why I pray that I will cling to the truth that I am His Beloved and loudly proclaim that ‘The Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that through me the proclamation might be fully accomplished and that all the Gentiles might hear; and I was rescued out of the lion’s mouth.’ (2Tim4:17)

All I know about and of You (as limited as that may be) tells me that this is the path You have set before me and that as I make smooth in the desert a highway for our God … then the glory of the Lord will be revealed and all flesh will see it together. (Isaiah40:3,5)

Held

Woah... well, it has been quite the week, with my roommate and best friend getting hit by a truck (she is okay, her leg is broken, but she will be fine), and then with the death of Kyle, I have wrestled with the Lord a lot this week. Hope and worship has prevailed but there were some really ugly things that surfaced in myself. For example, for the first time in 3 years I didn't want to move overseas. I wanted to be safe and 'secure' in America where I could hold on to everything I love here and 'be here' for people. I felt the Lord say a few things to me in this process of rebellion and wrestling. First, he told me that he is continuing to place a heart in me like Jeremiah's. This has been a slow process in me -- mostly because I am so darn controlling and have a hard time just resting with God and letting Him do His thing in me. "But I say, 'I will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name,' Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones; and I am weary of holding it in, and I cannot endure it." Jeremiah20:9 Even in the midst of my pain and rebellion I felt the fire within me threatning to consume me if I didn't submit and proclaim the greatness of Jesus above my own life and the entire world. The other thing the Lord said is 'Life is futile -- stop clinging'. This came from Romans 8 where it says "For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope..."Romans8:19-20. I saw myself chasing after wind never to catch it and slithering on the ground cramming handfuls of dirt in my pockets hoarding it like treasure. I love the world. Not in the deepest part of me, not in the part that is true. But there is definately a part of my life that sees the world not as trash but as treasure. That was really hard to see in myself and at the same time seeing it opened up to me the riches of the glory of God and the greatness of my calling. So, here is my heart/prayer/response to all that has unfolded this week... May the Lord stir up our 'anxious longing'

Held

I have been clothed with new life and dressed all in white
Cleansed and free I stand before You
But the old life calls to me, and I feel my flesh fight.

Breaking my gaze from You I run away towards the darkness that deceives,
Deeper I go staining my garments with pain and filth.
I am chasing after wind that lingers long enough for me touch it before it leaves.

Collapsing, I crawl in the dirt shoving fistfuls in my pocket like it is treasure.
I am so dirty that the white seems distant and unreal.
So, I trudge along heavy with the weight of sin and dirt that failed to bring pleasure.

I cry out in agony, not understanding and yet knowing I let go of my only hope.
Tired of wrestling with You I bow down now
I need to know who You are or I can’t move from this place or begin to cope.

‘Father, meet me here!’ I cry indignantly, still clinging to life that is ‘mine’.
It comes more slowly than I’d like – but You’re here.
I’ve got to let go of the dirt to take Your hand, and there’s really no choice when I see You shine.

Beauty, grace, and peace all surpassing, patiently beckon me, waiting and still.
Prostrate and weeping I know I have found infinite worth.
No more questions, only embrace and acceptance of the truth whether it heals or whether it kills.

Gently you hold and rock me but it isn’t what I expected to find at all.
There is still grief and pain in my heart over what was lost,
But it doesn’t end there – praise rises up in me as the walls I’ve built fall.

Oh my heart, burning up within me full of pain and desire.
And I know that if I don’t proclaim your goodness,
If I don’t bow in worship and adoration, I will burn up and be consumed by Your fire.

Jesus! You are worthy, You are good, You are blameless, holy and absolute glory!
Nothing can shake You from Your throne or remove Your foundation.
Even in pain I choose hope in You and I desire in Your arms to be part of THE story.

We’re shining so bright holding onto one another once again,
I can see now that You never let go of me even when I had released You.
I only want to trust you Jesus, knowing that through You are life and victory over sin.

Resting between Your shoulders, I can never understand
But I have to proclaim Your greatness regardless of circumstance
And confess that all is lovingkindness in the palm of Your hand.

worship!

I wrote this a monthish ago right after I returned to Texas. One of the things I have learned to delight in is creation. It used to feel so vast and lonely and now it feels a lot like home... The picture is from one of my 2 favorite spots on the Bogazici campus... I miss the hill...*sniff*

Freeing surrender I find today at home with the breeze and satisfied in your creation.
You made it all for our delight and to praise Your great name.
As I drink it in here I remember the simplicity of loving you and being loved by You Jesus.
All the things that seemed so pressing before are swallowed up in the hugeness of all that is Yours Lord.
I see again how small I am and how insignificant a part of the whole.
My life, my fears, my achievements can’t shake His foundations or even cause a single leaf to fall.
Like a child my spirit soars at the adventure of God’s creation constantly unfolding around me.
Just as the wildflowers – I don’t need someone to witness my life, my spirit, my beauty – I can simply be, knowing that the Living God takes joy and delight in me, His creation.
The trees, the flowers, none of it demands from the Lord but simply receives with gratitude whatever the wind brings.
These trees, flowers, and fields understand greater mysteries than I have yet to grasp – their joyful submission.
Thank you Jesus for rest, peace, and homecoming in the midst of Your creation.
Joining with the Earth to worship You today Lord!

Reflections on 9/11

September 11, 2001, it was a tragedy that day – I think everyone would say.
I know the Lord wept and there are still some scars left.
But I don’t want to remember it this way, with hate in our hearts like Satan’s here to stay.
Terror was our reality – but, that was just once. In the rest of the world it has gone on for months.
Bombs in London and Turkey, Afghanistan is under attack. Maybe we hear it on TV or news about the war in Iraq.
Terror is bred there, it grows and will feed on our lack of compassion and Westernized greed.
Not making excuses or saying it is right, but what about grace and prayer instead of putting up a fight?
The Muslim world, is where terror makes its home, and it breaks my heart that we leave them alone.
Alone in their suffering, like they all are to blame, instead of mending the broken in the power of Jesus’ name!
To them Jesus is just another nice guy and the Christianity they see just makes them wonder why.
Where is our hope, the truth, and God’s glory? Why aren’t we living and telling the story?
Hundreds of thousands dying and condemned to hell. Do we care enough to go? Do we care enough to tell?
Yeah, it was a tragedy just 4 years ago. But, my hope is in His promise that every nation will know.
Let’s remember together, and let it spur us on… to pray, to hope, to believe, and to miss Jesus when He is gone.
Thank you, Lord that it doesn’t end in death and pain. But You’ve conquered it all and we can live like death is gain!

Why Jesus isn't a good idea

I didn’t earn it and I have failed to prove my worth. I will never deserve it … which is precisely why it is a gift – completely unwarranted and without any equivalent, unrepayable, unexchangeable, unique in every aspect.
Yet something in me cringes at the prospect… You mean I didn’t do anything to gain favor? You mean this isn’t about my merits? Like it would be easier to keep an account with grace that way I could keep track of it and not be the one always in debt.
This warm, fuzzy Jesus I choose to cuddle up next to sometimes is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. A tool I can manipulate and use to comfort myself… but it is just that -- my own creation.
Sometimes after an extended period cuddling with Jesus it becomes clear that this Jesus is just a good idea – something that exists in my mind that allows me to say ‘I am right, I am good, I’ve got it all together.’ Like Jesus is some fancy life cleaner upper that comes in a sparkly bottle.
The thing is, I really do know and love Jesus and yet my life gets pretty messy and rarely does it sparkle. So what’s the deal? Aren’t I using Jesus the right way? Isn’t there some kind of warranty or 5 year guarantee? Can I trade it in for a new one please? It is in moments like these that I realize that I really don’t get it, do I?
When I take a good look at Him without my own Jesus-colored glasses on, I can see why people hated Him, feared Him, and fell on their faces speechless before Him. Turns out He’s not warm, fuzzy Jesus after all.
I’ve decided good idea Jesus is really a crappy idea because at the end of the day I am still lonely, still waiting for someone to tell me I am good, and most of all, I am still separated from God.
The more I share Jesus with my friends the more I realize good idea Jesus only exists in the mind – but he will never penetrate the heart. It’s in sharing Jesus with my friends, who from the world’s perspective don’t have anything to gain from choosing Him but in fact have everything to loose, that I can see that good idea Jesus is all a sham.
But true Jesus, life giving, soul altering, shake you from the inside out Jesus …. He is real and He is SO worth it. Loving Him is worth all of the times I can’t understand and He won’t tell me why. He is worth all of the discipline of quieting my heart to all the outside noise to hear him even when He chooses to remain silent. He is worth the pain and distress that will come with being obedient and mending the broken, loving those who have nothing to give back, and letting go of the pretty packaged dream the world is constantly trying to sell.
See, Good idea Jesus and the Real Thing can’t exist together because one is truth and the other is a lie. Everyday I have to choose – what’s it gonna be today Erin… pretty Jesus that I can control and use for my own advantage, or Jesus I can’t begin to grasp that exists not in my mind but in relationship with me – and relationships are complicated.
I want to be marked by my passion and love for the true Jesus, but sometimes when life gets too busy or Jesus stops making sense to me, I put my trust in good idea Jesus without even realizing it. It’s not until I try and tell someone about this Jesus that it hits me that the power and the relationship are gone and what I am talking about is a formula and a set of ideas and not my Savior, Redeemer, Lover, Husband, my God.
So I’ve temporarily stopped my tab with grace, realizing that I will never be able to pay it back and I’ve put good idea Jesus back in the ‘big, fat, ugly, lie’ closet where he belongs. (What? Doesn’t everyone have one of those to put stuff in, like clothes from the 80’s and the list of reasons why I am better than you?)
I know there will be times when I will be tempted to try to pay God back by showing Him how cool I really am and to put my trust in good idea Jesus instead of pursuing relationship with Him …. But I know now that it’s all empty and meaningless next to the Real Thing that has captivated my entire life and saved me from emptiness and chasing after wind. And you know what? I am glad Jesus isn’t a big teddy bear after all.