It was good to be in Oklahoma and say 'good bye' to my grandparent's house. We got everything ready for the estate sale next month and even had some people come by and look at the house. It was sad and yet it felt good to make some time to remember. I spent time in each room of the house just remembering... remembering my Papa in the kitchen always pretending like he was going to eat a bite of whatever I was eating for breakfast. Remembering sitting by the fire in the living room watching our grandparents open presents we got them for Christmas - only it would take them like 11 minutes to open each present! =o) Remembering sitting outside on the swing in the summer drinking root beer floats with my grandma and Elyse. There are so many memories there and it was nice to end on that note. When they were still living I used to DREAD going to see them because it was so hard to see them in so much pain. It seemed like they were just these old, broken relics of who they used to be - and I don't want to remember them like that. Doing all that reflecting helped me realize that I don't want to be going so hard and always thinking forward that I don't take the time to enjoy what is before me in the present - restless.
We drove the U-haul last night back to Dallas and driving through the rolling hills of Oklahoma for probably the last time for a while I was just thinking about why I can't seem to find rest lately. It isn't because I'm working and busy, it isn't because Jeff is gone (to Arizona for candidate school), it isn't because I'm living in Bedford, and it isn't because there's a lot going on ... it is because I've been dwelling in the 'far country'. I've been reading this book by Henri Nouwen (one of the GREATEST writers on the human condition and Jesus) called 'The return of the prodigal son'. It is about Nouwen's own journey as inspired by the famous painting by Rembrandt.
Nouwen was a professor at Harvard, a preist and scholar when God called him to quit his position at the college move to a home for the mentally handicapped and minister there. He talks about this transition and how difficult it was for him and the ways he let his insecurity lead him into the 'far country' just like the prodigal son - in search of worldly things to fill him. As he described this time for him something in my heart tightened and I knew - 'that is me, that is why I feel so restless.' Nouwen went to see this painting in St. Petersburg and spent 4 hours just sitting there looking at it, seeing the way different light changed the images, and gaining a true understanding of what it means to be the Beloved. See, we can find rest in the midst of business, stress, transition, etc. if we make our home with Christ as he has made his home in us. But that is hard to do when I am always leaving. I am constantly looking for you to love me, for Jeff to be pleased with me, to know that you (world) think I'm worthy, and everytime I turn my gaze to the world and I allow my heart to go after those things - I leave my Father. I scorn the home God has made for me, take of the cloak of identity he has given me and find myself restlessly orbiting the world insecure and unable to make a home anywhere. I need to go Home. Recognizing this and identifying the source of my restlessness does not solve the problem - I need to run and fall at my Father's feet regardless of the consequences, to humiliate myself in all of my filth and failure and go home. I just needed to process all of this - to admit my restlessness and return. I am the Beloved - and so are you.
That's all... and if you like to read (and even if you don't) you should go pick up this book by Henri Nouwen - other recommendations of books he's written are: Life of the Beloved, In the Name of Jesus, and The Way of the Heart. You can't go wrong with any of his books - but these are some of my favorite.
