Lessons From Timothy (and Co.)

Just as the vision begins to fade and confusion mingles with my certainty, the faithful shepherd senses my wandering and patiently beckons me home…

I hear in His voice the tenderness of a Father who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. (1Tim2:4)

Because this desire burns in Your heart it must be kindled in mine too. To burn up with passion for all men to see Truth exalted – I will not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord and I will join in suffering for the gospel according to the power of God. (2Tim1:8)

I was not ‘saved’ so I could continue to live in the pit – but I have been lifted and rescued and therefore do not count my life as my own. I know that He has called me with a holy calling, not according to my works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted me in Christ Jesus from all eternity. (2Tim1:9)

This holy calling is to preach the good news and I can’t be content to wait around here for the lost to find me when I know where there are millions just waiting.

Sometimes my flesh rebels and I think I can’t do it or just don’t want to – but, in the end it comes down to simply this … I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God. (Acts20:24)

Yeah, Some people think it is folly to seemingly throw my life away like this, but I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. (2Tim1:12)

It would be easier to pretend that my purpose in life is just to love God and enjoy the world He created… but no soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.(2Tim2:4)

I will not be deceived by lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power, (2Tim3:4-5) because I’ve experienced this power of God to transform broken, empty, ugly lives and now I can’t withhold it or retain to one side of the ocean.

After all – everyone who desires to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted (2Tim3:12) whether on this continent or another – it costs everything to follow Jesus wherever He chooses to lead.

So, I will go and preach the word; being ready in season and out of season; to reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction (2Tim4:2) because my choice was made the day I submitted to the One and Only Holy Lord.

I feel You with every beat of my heart – to live is to be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry (2Tim4:5) and as long as my heart beats my answer is ‘Yes, Lord’.

I long for Your kingdom – the lasting, eternal presence of You that cannot be ignored or denied but only enjoyed. Oh, Lord on that day let the cry of my heart be, ‘I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me crowns of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing.’ (2Tim4:7-8)

I know it won’t be easy, sometimes I will want to pack up and leave, but it isn’t about me and that’s why I pray that I will cling to the truth that I am His Beloved and loudly proclaim that ‘The Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that through me the proclamation might be fully accomplished and that all the Gentiles might hear; and I was rescued out of the lion’s mouth.’ (2Tim4:17)

All I know about and of You (as limited as that may be) tells me that this is the path You have set before me and that as I make smooth in the desert a highway for our God … then the glory of the Lord will be revealed and all flesh will see it together. (Isaiah40:3,5)

Held

Woah... well, it has been quite the week, with my roommate and best friend getting hit by a truck (she is okay, her leg is broken, but she will be fine), and then with the death of Kyle, I have wrestled with the Lord a lot this week. Hope and worship has prevailed but there were some really ugly things that surfaced in myself. For example, for the first time in 3 years I didn't want to move overseas. I wanted to be safe and 'secure' in America where I could hold on to everything I love here and 'be here' for people. I felt the Lord say a few things to me in this process of rebellion and wrestling. First, he told me that he is continuing to place a heart in me like Jeremiah's. This has been a slow process in me -- mostly because I am so darn controlling and have a hard time just resting with God and letting Him do His thing in me. "But I say, 'I will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name,' Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones; and I am weary of holding it in, and I cannot endure it." Jeremiah20:9 Even in the midst of my pain and rebellion I felt the fire within me threatning to consume me if I didn't submit and proclaim the greatness of Jesus above my own life and the entire world. The other thing the Lord said is 'Life is futile -- stop clinging'. This came from Romans 8 where it says "For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope..."Romans8:19-20. I saw myself chasing after wind never to catch it and slithering on the ground cramming handfuls of dirt in my pockets hoarding it like treasure. I love the world. Not in the deepest part of me, not in the part that is true. But there is definately a part of my life that sees the world not as trash but as treasure. That was really hard to see in myself and at the same time seeing it opened up to me the riches of the glory of God and the greatness of my calling. So, here is my heart/prayer/response to all that has unfolded this week... May the Lord stir up our 'anxious longing'

Held

I have been clothed with new life and dressed all in white
Cleansed and free I stand before You
But the old life calls to me, and I feel my flesh fight.

Breaking my gaze from You I run away towards the darkness that deceives,
Deeper I go staining my garments with pain and filth.
I am chasing after wind that lingers long enough for me touch it before it leaves.

Collapsing, I crawl in the dirt shoving fistfuls in my pocket like it is treasure.
I am so dirty that the white seems distant and unreal.
So, I trudge along heavy with the weight of sin and dirt that failed to bring pleasure.

I cry out in agony, not understanding and yet knowing I let go of my only hope.
Tired of wrestling with You I bow down now
I need to know who You are or I can’t move from this place or begin to cope.

‘Father, meet me here!’ I cry indignantly, still clinging to life that is ‘mine’.
It comes more slowly than I’d like – but You’re here.
I’ve got to let go of the dirt to take Your hand, and there’s really no choice when I see You shine.

Beauty, grace, and peace all surpassing, patiently beckon me, waiting and still.
Prostrate and weeping I know I have found infinite worth.
No more questions, only embrace and acceptance of the truth whether it heals or whether it kills.

Gently you hold and rock me but it isn’t what I expected to find at all.
There is still grief and pain in my heart over what was lost,
But it doesn’t end there – praise rises up in me as the walls I’ve built fall.

Oh my heart, burning up within me full of pain and desire.
And I know that if I don’t proclaim your goodness,
If I don’t bow in worship and adoration, I will burn up and be consumed by Your fire.

Jesus! You are worthy, You are good, You are blameless, holy and absolute glory!
Nothing can shake You from Your throne or remove Your foundation.
Even in pain I choose hope in You and I desire in Your arms to be part of THE story.

We’re shining so bright holding onto one another once again,
I can see now that You never let go of me even when I had released You.
I only want to trust you Jesus, knowing that through You are life and victory over sin.

Resting between Your shoulders, I can never understand
But I have to proclaim Your greatness regardless of circumstance
And confess that all is lovingkindness in the palm of Your hand.

This is the only group picture that made it from the weekend, this was pre the 4 on 4 football match -- which my team won thanks to the double D... nice play Lauren!  

This was night 2, the good looking one on the right started a fire using only her pointer fingers... okay there were hands and matches involved, but she was still REALLY studly. And the beautiful one on my left is roommate Megan Weaver who has been such a joy to live with! 

yay for fall break! I went camping with my roommates + friend, so there were 8 girls and no boys, it was REALLY FUN! We went to Colorado Bend State Park -- not to be confused with the state Colorado. good times + 8 girls + 1 car = no room for stuff. Thank you o-week for preparing me to live out of my pockets for a few days! 

insert buzz word here

It is so hard for me to talk about something I am so passionate about because I feel like everything that once held value to talk about the 'thing' has been so overused and terribly misused that not only does what I am saying not mean anything anymore -- but any meaning it might hold is not what I intend it to mean at all.
Sorry -- that is the preface to the things I want to say about community and the church. My ideas of these things have continued to grow and change as they are challenged and as God shows me more of His heart. I am convinced however, that this is at the very core of the heart of God and therefore is of utmost importance for the Christian to plunge headfirst into understanding and partaking what spiritual community is. Here is some stuff I've been reading and processing about all of this....

"The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. if one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance. You are Christ's body -- that is who you are! You must never forget this. Only as you accept your part of the body does your 'part' mean anything." 1Corinthians12 (from the Message)

- Yeah, it's from the Message, if you want to take that up with me later, well... there are bigger battles elsewhere. I like the way this talks about the need for us to accept our parts, because I feel like what I have seen recently looks like this: Billy has a broken foot but he can still walk on it and simle at the same time so even though the whole body is experiencing pain that is harmful for the body; when the eye looks down to figure out what the schnelly is going on Billy sees he is walking and so everything must be okay and then he keeps walking on his broken foot. He's got to accept that it is broken, but in order to do that, the brain has to help send all those pain signals and deductive reasoning skills and things like this -- he needs the other parts of his body to help him make sense of what is going on. The way we live in 'spiritual community' is more like a bunch of individual body parts that get together at starbucks to pat each other on the back or high five and really that only involves a hand and a back or 2 hands. It is not a complex structure like the body that has to always be intimately working together so that if anything is not doing it's part the whole thing has to stop and figure out what it is and fix it in order to go on. What are we so afraid of? That people will see that our foot is actually a little deformed? Or that our hand doesn't move as fast as we wish it did?
"But God has placed the members each one of them, in the body, just as He desired." 1Corinthians12:18

In our demand that we be practical, we have nudged the Spirit aside and gone after objectives we can reach without Him. We’ve learned to empathize, listen well, and affirm without judging, to free people to be themselves as they define who they are and what they want. Holiness has been bumped out of the center and replaced by healthy adjustment, self-acceptance, and relief from struggle. - Larry Crabb (Safest Place on Earth)

-- Yeah, I am not sure what to say about this except that I've lived in it and I wasn't changed, I may have felt artificially 'safe' but the danger of being truly committed to other people is so much safer than creating a well- insulated world where no one can really penetrate.


I love the church, I do not want to write about the church as a problem, a source of conflict, a place of controversy, but as the Body of Christ for us here and now. - Henri Nowen

-- I love the church, and I long desperately for her to be the shining bride Jesus Christ deserves when he comes in glory to reclaim her. I feel like what the Lord has continually spoken as I have struggled with this deep desire for communit to be more than what I am currently living in is 'Erin, YOU take responsibility' ... I am a body part, and I am responsible for what God has shown me of himself. The best way to promote holiness and healing in others is to pursue your own healing and holiness. No one will ever love the church as much as the Lord Himself, and I am convinced that He has not abandoned her and will restore her to glory.

worship!

I wrote this a monthish ago right after I returned to Texas. One of the things I have learned to delight in is creation. It used to feel so vast and lonely and now it feels a lot like home... The picture is from one of my 2 favorite spots on the Bogazici campus... I miss the hill...*sniff*

Freeing surrender I find today at home with the breeze and satisfied in your creation.
You made it all for our delight and to praise Your great name.
As I drink it in here I remember the simplicity of loving you and being loved by You Jesus.
All the things that seemed so pressing before are swallowed up in the hugeness of all that is Yours Lord.
I see again how small I am and how insignificant a part of the whole.
My life, my fears, my achievements can’t shake His foundations or even cause a single leaf to fall.
Like a child my spirit soars at the adventure of God’s creation constantly unfolding around me.
Just as the wildflowers – I don’t need someone to witness my life, my spirit, my beauty – I can simply be, knowing that the Living God takes joy and delight in me, His creation.
The trees, the flowers, none of it demands from the Lord but simply receives with gratitude whatever the wind brings.
These trees, flowers, and fields understand greater mysteries than I have yet to grasp – their joyful submission.
Thank you Jesus for rest, peace, and homecoming in the midst of Your creation.
Joining with the Earth to worship You today Lord!