chirp... chirp...

or if you are in Corpus right now buzzzz (mosquitoes) or if you are living in my house in Waco right now gakzzp (whatever noise cockroaches make)... ewww... okay anyway the point of that is supposed to be silence. This is way too many words already to talk about silence -- reasons I am not good at this.
So, I've been pretty convicted over the last month about the ammount of stuff that comes out of my mouth that is so unnecessary or just prideful. I've never experienced this kind of unbridgable gap between my heart and my mind. I KNOW and desire to believe with every ounce of myself that the only way to freedom and the ultimate joy in Christ will be through death and surrender to myself and yet my flesh rebels against that ohhhhh ALL the time.
"We must seek a humility that rests in nothing less than the end and death of self; that gives up all the honor of men, as Jesus did, to seek the honor that comes from God alone; that absolutely makes and considers itself nothing so that God may be all, so that the Lord alone may be exalted." - Andrew Murray
Cognitively I am like "and a hearty AMEN to that" but my attitude and behavior still say that not only am I not dead, but I have some unmet expectations that I need to talk to you about... where is the disconnect? I wish I knew. It has certainly brought lots of humiliation though to continually fail at my attempts to be humble, but I would rather lay it all out there and get it out then let it grow and feed itself secretly.
"What a solemn thought, that our love for God will be measured by our everyday fellowship with men and the love it displays. How solemn that our love for God will be found to be a delusion, unless its truth is proved in standing the test of daily life with our fellowmen." - Murray
So... fellowmen, I am really sorry and God is seriously doing some work in my heart right now and I am working on thinking before I speak instead of that simultaneous thing that seems to happen. God has also been giving me an abundance of grace that has probably always been there, I just didn't want it before, to be accepting and loving (when I choose that).
It is a journey, like anything worth having, and I am still learning and struggling a lot, but I really do desire to honor God in my speech and thoughts .... so I will be putting the 'things I think you should change about yourself' list next to the 'reasons I am better than you' list in the 'big, fat, ugly, lie closet' (anyone? anyone?)
" Truly, truly, I say to you, Unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life looses it, and hw who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal." John 12:24-25