ummm...what?!

I've been off and on studying the arabic alphabet for about a year. You really can't off and on study ANYTHING well for a year especially the arabic alphabet. So, really, what I've been doing is going over and over the basics trying to gain a basic understanding of word structure and letter formation and the shapes of the letters. There are 29 letters in the Arabic alphabet, and for 8 of them there is no sound in the English language that is even equivalent to the sound that this letter makes. That baffles me... and kind of discourages this beginner.

The other thing that makes learning the alphabet seem insurmountable is that the letter changes depending on it's location. Like, if it is at the end of a word it looks different than if it is in the middle or at the beginning, so you have to be able to recognize the basic structure of the letter before you can even begin trying to connect it to another letter to form a word. My previous language learning experience has not proved to be of any value yet because I've always had some kind of framework for understanding 'Oh, that's like this thing is in English.' Not so with Arabic. But, I'm eager to start learning Kurdish and hope that at least being able to recognize letters when I get there - even if I have no idea what word it is forming, will help me adjust more smoothly.

Did I mention that you read and write right to left? I will certainly count it a miracle and mercy of God if I can master the alphabet before we leave for Iraq - that is my goal anyway. I'll let you know how it's going, don't expect me to write you letter in Arabic or anything, but I might be able to write the alphabet for you!

Foolishness

Jeff & I are trying to read through the Bible in a year. It is something I have tried to do annually for the last 7 years. I don't think I've been successful every time - but each time there are very familiar passages that come alive in a new way. I love that about the Word - that it is living and active, sharper than any double edged sword (Hebrews 4:12 ... and I had to look this up, it seems no matter how many times I read these verses memorizing references is not my thing). I've used a different translation every year for the last 4 years of doing this and this year we're using the NLT, it is more of a paraphrasing of scripture in more modern day language than it is an exact translation of the original language. I remember being strongly cautioned against using such 'fluffy' translations in one of my freshman religion classes at Baylor - but I decided to take my chances, and I really like it. It makes the old testament much more readable (for me).
One of my favorite themes throughout the Bible is foolishness - I mean really, if Jesus Christ isn't who he said he was, then this whole thing is pretty dang foolish. The Bible is full of fools who obeyed God in his seemingly foolish requests.
I was reading in Deuteronomy about generosity:
'Give generously to the poor, not grudgingly, for the Lord your God will bless you in everything you do. There will always be some in the land who are poor. That is why I am commanding you to share freely with the poor and with other Israelites in need. ' Deut5:10-11.
I like this passage because God acknowledges that the poor will always exist but instead of it being a point of resignation he commands us to give generously to support them. To not do so is to be 'hard hearted' and 'tight fisted' according to verse 7 of Chapter 15. All that we have is God's provision in our lives anyhow isn't it? I am reminded that 'He owns a cattle on a thousand hills' said the Psalmist. I've seen a lot of poverty in the Dallas area (like any major city I'm sure), it is on the news, co-workers talk about it (usually in a negative, dangerous kind of way), and in this time of economic crisis I'm reminded that it is okay to be foolish and 'give to everyone who asks you, give and do not hold back' (Luke 6:30). All I hear on the news are tips for protecting yourself and your finances, and this was a good reminder for me to not become 'tight fisted' or fearful because God has always faithfully provided everything that I've needed and I've never given to someone and not had what I needed for myself. So, my advice is get a little foolish, don't buy into all the media hype about protecting yourself and your money - we can trust Him to satisfy every need we have, but how will we know unless we respond in faith and let ourselves need Him?

St. Patrick's Day

I’ve never heard the story of St. Patrick before, and want to share it with you in preparation for St. Patrick ’s Day next week. Normally all I meditate on over this day is making sure I have something green on, but this year I want to meditate on the life of this man and how his life tells the story of the worth of Jesus above all else.
St. Patrick was actually a missionary slave. He was captured at age 16 and taken to Ireland where he lived as a slave for the next 6 years. While in captivity he grew in his faith. Patrick also learned the Celtic language and about the Celtic religion of Druidism. After 6 years of slavery he heard a voice in his dreams one night that told him ‘You will return to your own country.’ And a few nights later the voice said ‘See, your ship is ready’ so the next morning he got up, walked 200 miles to the ocean and got on a ship that was waiting for him. After his escape he went to France and joined the monastery where he eventually became a bishop. Again he had a vision where a group from Ireland spoke in one voice asking him to ‘Come.’ Against the wishes of his family, because it was well known that escaped slaves were woven into giant wicker baskets and burned over a fire, he returned to the land of his captivity in hopes of bringing the Gospel. Because he learned language and culture while in captivity, he was able to communicate the Gospel in ways that the Irish could connect with. His life was threatened several times and his death was even decreed, but he kept preaching and finally the King gave him an audience in which he shared the good news and performed some miracles. The King and members of his family became Christians – legend has it this is where Patrick used the shamrock to explain the Trinity. By the time of his death Patrick had converted nearly the entire Island and disproved the Druids they had once followed. This is the prayer of St. Patrick

As I arise today,
may the strength of God pilot me,
the power of God uphold me,
the wisdom of God guide me.
May the eye of God look before me,
the ear of God hear me,
the word of God speak for me.
May the hand of God protect me,
the way of God lie before me,
the shield of God defend me,
the host of God save me.
May Christ shield me today.
Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit,
Christ when I stand,
Christ in the heart
of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth
of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
Amen

This story was taken from Stan Park’s article: God’s Redemptive History.

There are several things I find fascinating and convicting about this story. Patrick was captured at such a young age and spent 6 years as a slave not cursing God but growing in his faith and training himself to hear God’s voice. Then when God miraculously frees him and tells him there is a ship waiting for him Patrick just walks out of captivity and heads toward the ocean… for 200 miles. I’m pretty sure after the first 5 I would have decided I was crazy and that there was no ship. I LOVE the things that faith requires from us! God didn’t teleport Patrick to the ocean or tell him exactly how far he would have to go to find the ship, or give him the ships coordinates – he just told him he would be free and that there would be a ship. And Patrick trusted him – for 200 miles and he was not disappointed. THEN he goes to the monastery works his way up and is eventually a bishop when he senses God calling him to return to the land of his captivity. He knows what is at stake and has every reason to NOT return, and he goes anyway. He is NOT initially well received, he suffers at the hands of the people he is trying to reach but he does not give up. There is even an edict issued for his death, which I presume that the King would know something about, and even still he gains an audience with the King and the whole royal family is converted! I have to believe that has something to do with the tremendous amount of suffering that Patrick was subjected to and yet he did not waver or turn back – that says something about the great worth of Jesus above all worldly things.
P.S. – St. Patrick’s Day is March 17, that is next Monday and it is during holy week this year – how appropriate.

learning curve

I know I haven't talked much about my life recently and I think it's because I'm not sure where to start. Being engaged has been fun - and not fun, but I didn't quite anticipate the feelings that I've had and the issues that have surfaced. It's funny, I thought that by the time I got married I would be someone different than I am now. Not that I wouldn't be me, but that I would have figured out more by now about service and selflessness. If I've learned anything in the last couple months it is that I have so much room to grow and that God chooses to use your spouse to refine you more than anyone else. Somewhere in my brain I knew that cognitively, but experiencing it has been really significant for me.
There is something healing about just knowing that Jeff is committed to me forever, no matter what....he chose me. I feel so honored by him and am so excited to have the opportunity grow beside him. He is an excellent sharpening iron. I'm sure that he has been all along, but for lots of years I just kept trying to shape and mold him without allowing who he is naturally to sharpen ME. I can be SO arrogant, it should be illegal. I don't think I've fully understood what unconditional acceptance, grace, and love is available to me in Jesus until I received that from Jeff. That in itself has transformed me - hopefully forever.
It is such a unique blessing to have the opportunity to become more like Jesus by getting married. I like to think that I have loved people for a long time, and loved them well. But, somehow marriage brings a completeness to it that I didn't have before. I loved to spend time with people (occasionally), to go out of my way for them (sometimes), to meet their needs (when possible)... but what I didn't understand was the complete otherness of the marriage relationship. I don't get to quit when it isn't convienient for me, when I'm tired or busy. Marriage in a way that honors God is completely selfless and beautiful. Marriage isn't about making me happy, someone probably told me that before - but I didn't believe them... however, marriage is wholly about making me holy and I'm SO excited about that. I fully expect a lot of 'failure' as Jeff & I enter into marriage and becoming more holy, but I'm really excited about growing together. There is NO ONE I'd rather fight with and for than you, Jeff - I love you.

rebel without a cause

So... this is me. God has been continuing to show me all the areas of my life that have this heart attitude of rebellion. It is ridiculous, I mean someone give me a harley and a bad boy in a leather jacket already!!! Somewhere along the way (I haven't pin pointed it yet) I believed the lie that I know better than other people. Hence the pride that I struggle with daily. There was this little seed of rebellion that I watered and nutured and let grow into this terrible spirit of pride and self righteousness. Now isn't that attractive? Who wouldn't want a lil piece of that?
God is authority. To know that He really does hold the world in His hands and have total and undivided authority over everything on the earth -- this is freedom. Out of this knowledge I am free to submit to ANY earthly authority because Jesus is the one who is in authority. It is NOT my job to decide who is good and who is evil and what is right and what is wrong. God has given me this deep sense of justice in my heart. I mean really, injustice stirs me up more than just about anything. When I was in 5th grade I was on a few news stations for starting a red cross drive at my school and then in 6th grade I wrote and editorial in the local paper about gang violence. haha -- I've always felt this urging to rise up and DO something about the things I think are wrong. I've never been one to sit by and let it happen without at least slandering some people.
God is bringing about this brokenness in my heart that says 'To You Jesus, I submit everything - You are authority and I choose to honor you in the people you have placed in authority.' See, God didn't make me the pastor, the teacher, the police officer ... whoever it is that God has delegated His authority to that I want to criticize.... it wasn't me. God uses both good and evil men, that is his deal, my deal is to obey.
I still struggle with this, I don't feel right now like there is this peace allowing me to quietly choose submission. I still get all riled up on Sunday mornings and have to choose to pray instead of slander. But seriously, who do I think I am? Do I not have those same things inside of me that I can detest so easily in others?
God be gracious to me, the biggest sinner I know... Help me submit to your authority in the world instead of trying to judge them..... that's all I got tonight, just needed to say these things 'out loud'.... if you see me being a rebel without a cause, heck, even if there is a cause, smack me -- hard.

Living More With Less

I've been spending this month meditating on, learning about, and trying to practice simplicity in my life. First of all let me dismiss the myth that living more simply is simple because that is just not true. It takes a lot of intention, time, and discipline. Because our world is so fast paced, convenient, and impersonal, trying to go against the flow is really hard! I got this book, 'Living More With Less' and have read about half of it so far. It is really incredible, it was written by a Mennonite woman who compiled stories and testamonies from around the globe of people who have chosen simplicity out of their desire to honor Christ in all things. One of the biggest things so far that this book has helped me hold onto is that my life, my every day decisions make a WORLD of difference. I am not going to change the world by my life and that is not the point; but every time I choose to do something like walk instead of drive, buy with integrity by not giving money to companies that don't pay their laborers a living wage or have poor working conditions, or the thousands of other choices I make that honor others and God above myself and my comfort -- this is obedience. The earth is the Lord's and all it contains -- this means something to me like it hasn't before. This is something I am still definately growing in, but it has been really freeing to let go of some of the things that I feel like I 'need' but really they only detract from the things that are better. I wrote this the other night as a kind of response to all these things that I am feeling and thinking.

One -- a single unit all alone
self contained and fulfilled
not knowing others or being known.
I don't need you in order to be me
I already decided who I am
and I am just fine -- can't you see?

'How appalling!' -- 'Why, how rude!'
'that is not me' we say assuredly.
But lives may say otherwise from our clothes to our food.
My momentary choices may seem small
like how I spend my time
or the things that I buy at the mall.

We are consumers and as such we say
who and what we stand for
in our manner of living every day.
I can't quite wrap my mind around
how my choices will affect the world
when they don't feel heavy or make a sound
It's not that I am so important and neat
but that I am not an island, so
when I take what could be yours it makes me a cheat.

To love mercy and do justice is no simple task
It takes awareness, intention, and death to myself.
But then, united, we can in God's glory bask!
I need you so I can be a better me,
because without you my joy is incomplete.
Thank you Jesus for the global Body that can't work independently.

Living is Simple

My spiritual discipline for the week is simplicity. I decided one of my goals (note: I set goals! and liked it) this year is to pick a different discipline every week and spend that week studying and practicing it. So, here are some thoughts so far on simplicity. This is about keeping the main thing the main thing. I didn't realize how many other things there are constantly asking for attention or innocently distracting, but seriously if Jesus is the main thing (which He is) then he needs to stay there. It really is crazy the amount of identity that I let get wrapped up in things like what I own and where I am going. I even tend to characterize people by their choice in style or the places that they go, things they spend their money on. When did these things become a means of identity? So, this week is about getting back to my roots and staying there. Why do I complicate life with things that are so unnecessary? The reason we ( I am speaking for the vast majority of humanity... I realize this is something one should not take lightly) are so stressed out and busy is so self-imposed; we choose to complicate our lives with little electronic devices that allow people to constantly be in contact with us and we have a constant flow of largely useless information. Why do we do this to ourselves? I do it to myself everyday. I am choosing this month to limit my internet/phone time, not do any shopping (except for food), keep track of everything I spend money on, intentionally limit my choices of food & clothing, and really pay attention to what I allow to come out of my mouth so that my 'yes' and 'no' are legit. The scripture God really used to convict me about this as well as really confirm in my heart the holiness and necessity of simplicity is Phillipians 4: 10-20.

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

I think a lot of my speech comes out of want, and I am eager to learn what it means to truly live simply in heart, mind, and body.

Brokenness

Well, I am back in Waco and it's a little weird. So far no job, it is kinda funny though because I am hanging out with homeless friends and they're like 'Did you get a job yet?' and I am like 'Nope. Did you?' and they're like 'nope.' So, I am learning to identify with them in a whole new way and it has been very cool and humbling. I've been thinking a lot about brokenness and have been surprised by the lies that I believed about it and even some of the lies that I have heard from other people about it. I used to think that God's purpose in brokenness was about suffering and dependence and learning and while those may very well be aspects of it... it is not the end. I wrote this last week...
"Make me to hear joy and gladness, let the bones which you have broken rejoice." I didn't write that, David did in Psalm 51, but my reflection on that was: I am struck again tonight by brokenness and how God rebuilds and refines through scorching fires. His heart is for wholeness and because of our sin that sometimes takes a seemingly twisted form, but He's there healing and bringing hope all along if you will choose Him. He is there drawing the broken pieces deeper into Himself to restore the whole puzzle. The pain is real, but so is the healing. Thanks be to God! Then a couple days later I was out at this birdwatching park (I know it sounds lame and like I am 63) just listening and I saw this tree that looked so strong and big but had this one limb that was just hanging there, totally bent over but not broken off yet and God just said 'A broken reed I wil not destroy.' And He gently reminded me that brokenness is not for destruction but for restoration and wholeness.
This has taught me to embrace fully whatever brokenness God would bring me and not be afraid of it or feel despair over it. He is so good and totally loving in ways I could have never imagined, I feel kind of like I am getting to know Jesus all over again right now -- it is pretty sweet! Anyway, just wanted to share some things I've been thinking about and the hope that is ours in Christ Jesus for wholeness

Live in the meanwhile and groan well

What does it mean for me to live in the meanwhile?

As Christians we are in this wonderful balance between the fulfillment of God’s promises to us and the world he has given to us. This is the meanwhile.

I live in the meanwhile when my attitude and actions reflect that there is a hope for something yet to be attained and at the same time I do not fail to recognize the world that is currently surrounding me. This looks like being actively engaged in preparing myself and others to receive that which is the fulfillment of my entire life’s hope. I would count myself with Paul in saying that I will have wasted my WHOLE life and should be pitied if Christ, whom I have built my life upon – is not who He said He was and is. The meanwhile groans for what is to come while rejoicing in what exists now. The meanwhile does not use worldly standards of success or failure but believes and hopes all things in Christ Jesus. While I may be a wanderer or vagabond, I am never without aim or direction. To live in the meanwhile is to be profoundly affected by the grace of God daily – his grace was not in vain in my life, but continues to transform me into the very image of Jesus Himself.

more than you probably ever wanted to know about me..

One of the fun things for me about Candidate School was that we got to take all these personality inventories and different psychological evaluations that served to tell us more about who we are and how God has made us. I learned some valuable stuff about myself and my strengths and weaknesses. I think this stuff is so cool and totally love it, so if you know what you are, tell me!

I am an extreme personality… this is probably obvious to most of you, but on these tests I was not moderately anything, I was all the way there or not there at all. My dot was on the edge of the circle or my line way out there, you get the picture.
I am an ENFP, which stands for Extroversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving. As far as my E goes, I like to initiate with people, I am very expressive (characterized by: ‘may sometimes wonder whether you’ve talked too much or said inappropriate or perhaps embarrassing things’), I am Gregarious- Intimate meaning I like both kinds of interactions, I am also active-reflective in that I like contact with people but also like to have my space to process stuff. I am also very enthusiastic. My N, for intuition was very strong, meaning I am not at all sensing (concrete, realistic, practical experiential, traditional). So, this means that I am abstract, imaginative, conceptual, theoretical and original meaning ‘you would rather figure out your own way than read the directions’… ummm yeah, I throw the box away without even taking out the directions.
The F is for feeling which I was either all the way there or totally on the other side. I am all the way empathetic, compassionate, and accepting. However, I am out of preference for feeling in that I am also questioning (‘are typically tactful but can be skeptical, confrontational, and outspoken’) and a combination of the tough-tender.
My P is also all perceiving and no judging. This means that I prefer flexibility and spontaneity and not decisiveness and closure. I ‘like to wait, see what happens, and then wing it.’
So, things this helped me learn about myself and how I relate to others… while I feel like I am really open minded, I really do tend to respond to people pretty universally from my own limitations of how I function best. I really need to limit my expressiveness sometimes to those who appreciate my style and be okay when people don’t appreciate it. I also need to start making some plans and working out the details earlier.

There was this other test we took to measure interpersonal skills and I had the HIGHEST score of the entire group… this means that I really value working with other people and want to be included, kind of want to have some control, and want affection. Apparently affection is my highest need and control is my lowest priority. So, while it will always be true about me that I value people and having relationships with people I am also learning a lot about building better boundaries in my friendships and releasing A LOT of expectations that I have for myself and others.

Lastly, we took this Team Dimensions Profile test to figure out what role we normally take on teams and I am an advancer leaning towards creativity. The definition of an advancer is those team members who communicate new ideas and carry them forward are advancers. They focus on the personal, interactive world of feelings and relationships. Advancers manage the human component of any solution, and they enjoy whipping up enthusiasm for a project. Apparently some of my challenges here are sticking to a schedule and paying attention to details as well as passing up opportunities to socialize and being disorganized or scattered, I ‘may appear haphazard to some people’. So, this is apparently frustrating to others… sorry guys, I am working on it? My strengths however are keeping an open flow of communication and not getting discouraged easily. I also ‘feel very comfortable and energized when performing in front of a group of people.’ I also have a spontaneous streak, am unconventional and I am a rule bender.

So… there ya have it, the world according to Erin Walker, it is kind of strange isn’t it? But these tests were SO true about me, which was what made it pretty interesting and entertaining as well.

Please Pray!

So, it is only day 3 at candidate school, but it has been SOOOOO good, truly. I am not ready to process everything yet and don't think that I need to at this point. I would just ask you to pray. I really sense that this is going to be a time of deep healing, affirmation, and refinement in my life. I was just confronted earlier today about my lack of belief, in that I don't really believe God to heal the deepest hurts and fears in my life but I long for that so deeply. So, there is much hope and I am excited about the days ahead. Isn't it wonderfully beautiful that we are CONTINUALLY transformed into the image of Jesus actually sharing in His glory?! Well, this is all for now. Thanks for your prayers

chirp... chirp...

or if you are in Corpus right now buzzzz (mosquitoes) or if you are living in my house in Waco right now gakzzp (whatever noise cockroaches make)... ewww... okay anyway the point of that is supposed to be silence. This is way too many words already to talk about silence -- reasons I am not good at this.
So, I've been pretty convicted over the last month about the ammount of stuff that comes out of my mouth that is so unnecessary or just prideful. I've never experienced this kind of unbridgable gap between my heart and my mind. I KNOW and desire to believe with every ounce of myself that the only way to freedom and the ultimate joy in Christ will be through death and surrender to myself and yet my flesh rebels against that ohhhhh ALL the time.
"We must seek a humility that rests in nothing less than the end and death of self; that gives up all the honor of men, as Jesus did, to seek the honor that comes from God alone; that absolutely makes and considers itself nothing so that God may be all, so that the Lord alone may be exalted." - Andrew Murray
Cognitively I am like "and a hearty AMEN to that" but my attitude and behavior still say that not only am I not dead, but I have some unmet expectations that I need to talk to you about... where is the disconnect? I wish I knew. It has certainly brought lots of humiliation though to continually fail at my attempts to be humble, but I would rather lay it all out there and get it out then let it grow and feed itself secretly.
"What a solemn thought, that our love for God will be measured by our everyday fellowship with men and the love it displays. How solemn that our love for God will be found to be a delusion, unless its truth is proved in standing the test of daily life with our fellowmen." - Murray
So... fellowmen, I am really sorry and God is seriously doing some work in my heart right now and I am working on thinking before I speak instead of that simultaneous thing that seems to happen. God has also been giving me an abundance of grace that has probably always been there, I just didn't want it before, to be accepting and loving (when I choose that).
It is a journey, like anything worth having, and I am still learning and struggling a lot, but I really do desire to honor God in my speech and thoughts .... so I will be putting the 'things I think you should change about yourself' list next to the 'reasons I am better than you' list in the 'big, fat, ugly, lie closet' (anyone? anyone?)
" Truly, truly, I say to you, Unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life looses it, and hw who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal." John 12:24-25

Resources

I've been reading a lot of books lately about current social issues, some titles I recomend are:
The Revolution, a field manual for changing your world by: heather Zydek
The Irresistable Revolution by: Shane Claiborne
The End of Poverty by: Jeffrey Sachs
Nickeled and Dimed by: Barbara Ehrenrich

I've been doing a lot of research and there are some really incredible organizations out there and some really important ways we can get involved. I know it seems overwhelming to even do anything, so here are some easy ways to take a stand.

www.bloodwatermission.com
this organization was started by the lead singer of Jars of Clay and is commited to fighting the HIV/AIDS pandemic by building clean wells in Africa and fighting against poverty. Did you know that there are nearly 300 million people in Africa who do not have access to safe drinking water? Did you know that one U.S. dollar equals clean water for one African for an entire year?!

www.bread.org
bread for the world is a Christian organization seeking justice for the world's hungry people. Did you know that more than 852 million people in the world went hungry in 2002? Even in America 36 milion people went hungry. Did you know that the basic health and nutritional needs of the world's poorest people could be met for an additional $13 billion a year which is less than what the US and Europe spend on pet food each year.

www.ncadp.org
this is the website for the national coalition to abolish the death penalty. Tomorrow and Wednesday there are 3 men scheduled for execution and on this site you can send a letter to the government asking them to spare the lives of these men as well as send letters to the president as a man of faith to take a stand as a Christian against sending the message that any life is beyond redemption.

www.one.org
this campaign is about fighting global poverty and aids. Sign the declaration and send letters to our representatives lobbying for policies that support debt relief, aid, and other services to the poor worldwide.

There are hundreds of websites dedicated to loving others the way Jesus did. This isn't about patting ourselves on the back but about being reponsible for what the Lord has entrusted to us. What do we have that He did not give to us? And what do we have that should not be given back to Him? Let's learn together how we can actively care for our world and glorify the God who saves.