rebel continued...

So, after I wrote my last post about being rebellious and was really broken over all of that junk in my heart that had totally deceived me. It is a long story but the point is that rebellion is a heart attitude that affects everything. I feel like I've gotten a lot 'softer' over the last few years when it comes to being moldable and responding to God's call. However, when I allow that rebellion to surface in my heart it doesn't just capture part of me but becomes a heart condition. The good news is that Jesus is victorious and has redeemed my life from rebellion -- right now. I can choose to live in that victory daily, but man, the consequences of letting that little seed grow are huge. Anyway, this is the verse that God gave me about rebellion the other night.

Let not the rebellious exalt themselves...for you O God have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs, you let men ride over our heads; we went through the fire and through the water yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance...come and hear all you who fear God and I will tell what he has done for my soul. Psalm 66:7,10-12,16

So, even after this I didn't feel like I was ready to be able to testify to what God did in my soul... I still felt like someone grieving. Anyway, the next day I went to the lake for my lunch break to just listen and this is what came out:

Just one more day I need to stay
Before I can go to where I don’t know.
Just more time to be here with you
And then I’ll be ready to face all that’s new
… or is that really true?
What is one more when a million more will never be enough?
To make me feel secure, ready, strong and tough.
Because the truth is that I am so afraid
Afraid to fail- afraid it’s not worth the price I’ve paid.
I still want to go and join God over there
But after I am done here and don’t really care.
It honors our Father when we choose to obey
Against our own wishes and still stand to say
'Not my will but yours be done.’ In my heart
Remove every seed of rebellion, not just in part.
This confession is god’s mercy to me
Because I know through him I am free
Free to die and live like it is gain
Free to submit to the name above every name.

After this I still felt like, well it rhymes but I am not fully there yet. And I just decided that is okay. I've found that obedience is about little simple 'yes's' and once you choose to obey God gives the grace to make it easier or just make it okay. I still feel great hope and excitement about moving overseas, I also still don't feel ready... but I do fully desire to be obedient and that means being urgent in my departure date. I don't want to be a rebel, I want to be meek.