Journal Entries

I don't usually offer my journal for public viewing, but as we are preparing to finish out this year in Iraq (when we return it will be 2010) I have been doing a lot of looking back and processing about our time here so far – the good, the bad, and the ugly. One of the reasons I have kept a journal for the last 10 years is for times like these – when I need to remember and get an accurate look back over the last several months. It has been a pretty rough year, but I think we’ve learned a lot and grown a lot in ways that I hope will make us more successful in the coming years that we spend overseas. Below are some excerpts from my journal since we’ve been here because I want to give a real (well somewhat, I've been fairly selective in my sharing) glimpse of some of what the last 7 months have been like.

January

1/22: I can’t believe today really came – we are on the plane on our way to the Rock. It was sad saying good-bye – I still feel sad right now, but I also feel eager excitement and anticipation of all that is ahead for us.
Lord, I bring to you now all of my tears, all of my sorrow, all of my fear and tell you that you are the only one who fills me and that following you, even to the ends of the earth, is better Lord. It is better than home, better than comfort, better than family, friends and money. Jesus you are better than all of these things. Please rise up inside me, inside of these vacant places, I need you more than I can begin to imagine.

1/23: There is nothing to fear, but God alone and he is for us! God is my home – when I don’t feel at home anywhere else He is trustworthy. Lord, you will establish peace for us, since you have also performed for us all our works. Isaiah26; 12

1/25: What a great first day we had, Praise the Lord! I’m still feeling so excited about life here and getting settled and learning language. It was great with the team and I’m so encouraged by their confidence and ability here.

February

2/2: Well, we made it through our first really bad day here – thank you Jesus! I was reminded last night about keeping the first things first. It seems that here (as anywhere I suppose) there are so many ways to divide your affection and attention. There are dying children that need surgery, there are families needing updates from us on their child’s status, there is Kurdish to learn and study and practice... and everything seems so urgent. The only way to have any strength, energy, life, light and power to draw from is to be seeking first the Kingdom. Satan wants to distract us and keep us so busy that we miss it completely.

2/9: My first trip out to the villages was a success. The families we met with were wonderful and it was great to get to be involved actively with what is happening now in the life of PLC. It seems unreal that 2 weeks ago we were trying to figure out how and if we could send kids this quarter and here we are 6 days out from sending the first batch of kids. God really does laugh at the impossible, and it must be so that no man can boast… As hard as it is to see families who are hurting, I would rather be a part of this and deal with all of the hurt than to not be here reaching out, providing support, praying, hoping, and loving these kids and their families.

2/10: So, the water is back… but the tanks will only fill ¼ of the way full without a pump and we didn’t get any national electricity today – I guess it is always something. It will be really interesting to see what it is like living in America after this.

2/12: The water is gone again – and the $400 washing machine doesn’t work. I cried for about 2 hours tonight. I think I needed to be really broken and let myself feel sad (even though I still struggle with feeling guilty about my sadness)… It has been much harder than I expected to have a home that I can’t make work right. It would be easier to live with someone else than to have this be our problem every time something else breaks…In the midst of feeling guilty over my frustration and sadness I realized something – although the bible talks about rejoicing in suffering that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. If I didn’t have to choose joy and there wasn’t anything to push my limits – then there wouldn’t be anything remarkable about joy would there? It isn’t as though my oldest child needed a heart surgery he might not be able to survive…but it is still my suffering this week. I’m humbled tonight by my own weakness. It will not be by my own willpower or ability that we will stay in Iraq.
“What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it? 1Corinthians 4:7”

2/15: Thank you Lord for the good reports on the children and their families. I pray that you will continue to comfort and strengthen them.

2/22: It has been 1 month since we left and today was a pretty bad day here. I feel kind of homesick tonight. I just miss my family and friends. I miss the comfortable things of America. I had my first recognizable moment of culture shock today – Lord, please help me to draw from your strength, I feel pretty weary tonight.

2/24: We made it through month 1, we have even made some pretty significant accomplishments, praise the Lord! Lord, let month 2 be twice as purpose filled, joyful, submitted. By your grace Jesus, only by your grace.

2/28: Thank you Jesus for the hope and encouragement I feel tonight. God please continue to speak to me about how I can pray for Jeff. I’m reminded tonight that you are ‘Not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness; no evil dwells with you.” Ps 5:4. You are only holy and righteous and whether you heal and save these children or not, that truth will not change.

March

3/2: Baby Honyar died yesterday morning. I’m not sure how to process it all other than to choose Hope. Hope has meant something special to me these days.

3/11: So, today is the day I found out that our whole life was going to change. That’s right, I’m pregnant! I still can’t quite believe it. I’ve said it enough times today that I thought it would sink in – but it still seems so unreal. I can’t believe we are going to have a baby!

3/14: Lord, thank you for your mercy and continued goodness in my life. I pray that you could continue to give me grace and wisdom to know how to take care of this baby growing inside me.

3/18: I can’t believe it is ending when it feels like it just begun. I’ve only been knowingly pregnant for 8 days and I’ve started to miscarry. One week ago our whole life changed – and we were so happy about that. I can’t believe how quickly I grew attached to this pregnancy, this future, this baby… and now it is all ending, just like that. There are no words to the grief that I feel about everything that could have been…

3/26: Lord, I don’t know how to feel – I’m hopeful and fearful. God you alone hold the power of life and death. The life of this baby belongs to you. God, let your will be done.

April

4/1: Well, it’s a miracle, we saw our little baby and it’s heart beat! Thank you Jesus, I’ve had so many feelings about all of this – of which you are well aware. Help me to rest and take it all one-step at a time.

4/6: Lord, help me! This has been so much harder for me than I ever imagined – the constant nausea and pains. Father, please give me the grace to be able to receive this joyfully and to know how to take care of myself.

May

5/4: Father, thank you for your Word and the life that it brings. Thank you for truth that sets us free. I pray for wisdom as I seek to be a better wife and teammate.

5/8: Oh Lord, it was another hard day where my circumstances just threatened to relentlessly crush my spirit. I wish I felt like I had fought for joy harder but I’m not sure that I really tried. At the end of this day I don’t want to feel hopeless or wonder how many more terrible days await me – I just need you.
“Cast your burden upon the Lord and he will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” Ps 55: 23

5/11 Thank you Jesus for letting us see a healthy, squirming baby today with a good heartbeat. I just confess that you are in control and you are trustworthy.

June

6/4: God, I pray for Shad tonight, please give his body the strength to heal and let him recover from these procedures. God I pray for peace and comfort for his family and for Jeremy and our team. God we trust you and we are asking you to heal Shad, to give him life again.

6/16: “ From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever, let me take refuge in the shelter of your wings.” Ps 61: 2-4

July

7/19: I think I’m finally ready to admit that the closeness I wanted with you (Jesus) that I thought was alluding me as a result of location isn’t any easier half way around the world. I don’t feel any closer, the light doesn’t seem any clearer and being obedient in big things doesn’t change all of the every day things that I am still disobedient in. Nearness to you and closeness to the Spirit doesn’t happen with out me…I know I can’t keep asking you to help me and expect that to produce results without my waiting on you.

We were out of Kurdistan on vacation for most of August and are getting ready to go home now so I don’t have a lot of entries relevant to this post for August so I’ll just end it here. It has been a really trying and meaningful 7 months so far and we are looking forward to coming back in January and doing this again with a baby! We’ll see if I can still find time to journal then… I’m not getting my hopes up.

Change

There are few things in life more certain than change, you'd think I'd be more accustomed to it. I feel like my life has been in a semi constant state of transition for about 3 years and I guess I just assumed there would be a point where it would stop. But the more I think about it the more I imagine that everyone probably feels this way - that things are constantly changing, whether it is your family, job, the economy, the president...things are always changing. I've considered myself to be pretty flexible and easily adaptable, but now I'm not sure that is true.
I guess I'm feeling like I'm standing on this precipice of change and I know that things will never be the same. Our departure overseas is rapidly approaching and while it has been coming for a long time, I am just now feeling the weight of this decision. Well, that might be a little too dramatic, I guess what I mean is I'm just now feeling the intensity of the change looming all around us (was that less dramatic?). I guess it just feels really dramatic right now and even though I wouldn't choose to be anywhere else than where we are going, I'm feeling pretty sad right now.
I mean it isn't that life is perfect right now and I want to freeze it and make time stay like this, it is just more an acknowledgment that things will never be the same. When I came back from Turkey every summer and after living there for 6 months, I was different each time and it was a hard adjustment for me to be back in America. I know I will change and while part of me is eager and excited about that I'm also scared. Living in Iraq and doing the work we will be doing is going to change me and I know I can never live the same way again or look at the world the same way after I have experienced that... and it kind of scares me. I know that Jeff will change and be changed by our time there. I know our marriage will change and we will learn totally different ways of relating to each other. And those things scare me, but I think what makes me the most sad is thinking about how all of you will change.
Every time when we come home I know that we will see a little bit of it, but probably won't be able to really see it until we are back for a while. I'm sad about the weddings that I will miss (yours especially, fife), the birthdays I will miss and how this is our last Thanksgiving and Christmas to spend with our families for a while. I'm sad about the babies that will be born and will grow up and I won't get to watch it first hand. I'm sad about not being able to talk to my close friends and family that I talk to weekly. I'm worried that people will forget about us and that we won't be able to be close to the people we are close to now. I'm just feeling sad about the inevitable change that will happen and scared about what it will be like.
I know we are headed in the right direction, and I don't doubt for a second that God will fulfill his promise to repay a thousandfold (or is it a hundred?) all that we have given up for him and that He is SO worth it! But, I guess this is just me counting the cost and I think it is okay to feel sad and grieve the loss of these things, otherwise it would just be that much harder when the reality hits. I just wanted to be honest about where I am right now and what it feels like to get ready to move overseas.

America is my lullaby

I sing it every day, it seems with each passing moment I drift a little deeper into this slumber of mine.
I don't remember hearing the song, and have no idea when I began singing along... but here I find myself, deep in a slumber I can't seem to shake.
I have moments of awareness, moments where I feel alive and remember what it was like to not be so tired and lifeless, but the longer I let myself sleep the more those seem like dreams.
Maybe it is the workplace or my routine that has me constricted, maybe it is my TV that tells me what to think and what I need, maybe it is how easy and entertaining everything is, maybe it is how life never seems to slow down and I just keep waiting for a break that will never come.
But, bigger than all of these things is the fact that I don't need anything - I almost never feel actual need. I may feel desire or lust, but I don't feel real need here in America. I have everything I need X 12.
It scares me a little bit - or a lot - how easy it is to let myself drift off and it can take weeks before I realize that I haven't felt really ALIVE. I feel most alive when I am connected to the source of life - obviously. But honestly, it is difficult for me to tap into that regularly when I'm here where everything feels so comfortable and I don't need God to do anything for me, to be anyone to me, to tell me who I am.
I don't think it has to be like this, I don't have to sleepwalk through all of my days here - but it is really easy for me to do just that. I know the tune so well that it gets in my head and then if I let it the tune will get in my heart and before I know it I've just slumbered my way through another year without engaging the world around me or engaging Jesus Himself. I'm sure there will be many difficult days in Iraq where I long to be 'home', but I know that I won't be asleep, I will be watchful and alert and alive! I imagine that Iraq has a lullaby all it's own and eventually, it's tune will start to sound familiar, but I'm learning now how to choose to tune it out and sing my own song - one of life and hope and Truth. I want to be like that right now, right here, I'm just confessing that it is really hard for me to do that in America where I can auto pilot my way though life without even remembering I pressed the button.
Does anyone else hear this song or it is just my own struggle to really LIVE everyday and follow Jesus instead of just dreaming about him?

100 miles of brokeness

I feel I must preface this with a warning that this is pretty fresh, unguarded pain and I'm never quite sure how to articulate it, but this is my best effort.
On the drive this morning from Austin to Waco, a measly 101 miles, I had some really significant time with Jesus and just felt compelled to share about it.
A little background: this has been a really lonely season of life for me. I've probably cried about it weekly or at least bi weekly for almost a year. I know that God created each of us as relational beings and as such he made a place for us to dive deeply into community together and love each other well. I desire that so deeply, especially after having experienced several life shaping years of intimate, spiritual community. I've felt for some time that God has intentionally placed me in this lonely season not only to refine me, but also to prepare me. I know it is His mercy that loves enough to give us the best instead of just good or fine. In Iraq I will not have the wealth of relationships and options for community that I have here and this loneliness is good preparation for what is ahead. Even though I have acknowledged that for some time, I have not up to this point been able to accept that. I have kept my fists closed on my own desires and refused to accept God's provision for the moment. I've been convicted of this several times but have never really repented until today. God showed me how self has been a joy-stealer. I've been unhappy and hurt and a lot of other things for a REALLY long time and I didn't have to be - I chose that. Why would you choose something like that?! What person in their right mind would choose to feel miserable when they could choose joy?! The enemy is so crafty and is always looking for ways to steal, kill, and destroy. I became so focused on the lack of community I was experiencing and how everyone had let me down that it became all about me and feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't feeling loved or valued. As I opened up my heart to really listen to what God was saying today and let him hold me and show me his heart for me I realized that I had been looking to the world to fill me and bring me joy. God gave me this picture of me sticking rocks in my mouth and sucking on them trying to get water to quench my thirst, all the while I am sitting by a beautiful, freshwater stream. What an idiot right?! Rocks aren't going to produce water that will satisfy me, and that's a lot of unfruitful work when there is a stream of water that is available. I wonder how often we do that? Suck on rocks when we could drink from the stream - the world will never be able to fill me and produce lasting joy in my heart. That doesn't mean that my desire for community is bad - it is in fact a God given desire. But, my inability to accept God's provision for the time being, which is not the community I would prefer, is a joy killer and a rock sucker. God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want, he doesn't always give us everything we think we need, but He is always who He says He is and He keeps every single promise every day. That's enough for me today. So take it from me, put down the rocks that you want to satisfy you and drink deeply from the stream that actually will!

Restless

That has been my life... our life for the last month or so. It is not that we do not like to rest, it is just that there is no time for it, or we are not making the time for it. Anyway, this restlessness is spilling over into all areas of my life and kind of driving me crazy. Even when I should be able to rest - like last night in bed - I couldn't make myself slow down to go to sleep. So, I got about 2 hours of sleep last night - I'm TIRED.
It was good to be in Oklahoma and say 'good bye' to my grandparent's house. We got everything ready for the estate sale next month and even had some people come by and look at the house. It was sad and yet it felt good to make some time to remember. I spent time in each room of the house just remembering... remembering my Papa in the kitchen always pretending like he was going to eat a bite of whatever I was eating for breakfast. Remembering sitting by the fire in the living room watching our grandparents open presents we got them for Christmas - only it would take them like 11 minutes to open each present! =o) Remembering sitting outside on the swing in the summer drinking root beer floats with my grandma and Elyse. There are so many memories there and it was nice to end on that note. When they were still living I used to DREAD going to see them because it was so hard to see them in so much pain. It seemed like they were just these old, broken relics of who they used to be - and I don't want to remember them like that. Doing all that reflecting helped me realize that I don't want to be going so hard and always thinking forward that I don't take the time to enjoy what is before me in the present - restless.
We drove the U-haul last night back to Dallas and driving through the rolling hills of Oklahoma for probably the last time for a while I was just thinking about why I can't seem to find rest lately. It isn't because I'm working and busy, it isn't because Jeff is gone (to Arizona for candidate school), it isn't because I'm living in Bedford, and it isn't because there's a lot going on ... it is because I've been dwelling in the 'far country'. I've been reading this book by Henri Nouwen (one of the GREATEST writers on the human condition and Jesus) called 'The return of the prodigal son'. It is about Nouwen's own journey as inspired by the famous painting by Rembrandt.

Nouwen was a professor at Harvard, a preist and scholar when God called him to quit his position at the college move to a home for the mentally handicapped and minister there. He talks about this transition and how difficult it was for him and the ways he let his insecurity lead him into the 'far country' just like the prodigal son - in search of worldly things to fill him. As he described this time for him something in my heart tightened and I knew - 'that is me, that is why I feel so restless.' Nouwen went to see this painting in St. Petersburg and spent 4 hours just sitting there looking at it, seeing the way different light changed the images, and gaining a true understanding of what it means to be the Beloved. See, we can find rest in the midst of business, stress, transition, etc. if we make our home with Christ as he has made his home in us. But that is hard to do when I am always leaving. I am constantly looking for you to love me, for Jeff to be pleased with me, to know that you (world) think I'm worthy, and everytime I turn my gaze to the world and I allow my heart to go after those things - I leave my Father. I scorn the home God has made for me, take of the cloak of identity he has given me and find myself restlessly orbiting the world insecure and unable to make a home anywhere. I need to go Home. Recognizing this and identifying the source of my restlessness does not solve the problem - I need to run and fall at my Father's feet regardless of the consequences, to humiliate myself in all of my filth and failure and go home. I just needed to process all of this - to admit my restlessness and return. I am the Beloved - and so are you.
That's all... and if you like to read (and even if you don't) you should go pick up this book by Henri Nouwen - other recommendations of books he's written are: Life of the Beloved, In the Name of Jesus, and The Way of the Heart. You can't go wrong with any of his books - but these are some of my favorite.

Reflections on 100 days...

Well, not to overwhelm you with lots of posts this week (this is Erin), I guess Spring is bringing us out of hibernation. Today is 100 days that we have been married. It seems longer and shorter at the same time - but I think mostly longer =o). I started looking back at my journal a couple weeks ago and reflecting on all I've 'learned' (I use this word really loosely, we are on a really high learning curve) since we've been married. I thought I would share with you all, and Jeff might add some of his reflections at the end.

- respond in thankfulness, to God and to my husband

- when in doubt, choose grace, love or patience (preferably all of them)

- Proverbs 1:33, don't fall into the trap of complacency - it is deceptively easy, but it will steal your joy and replace it with fear.

- seek FIRST the Kingdom, before anything else - or I'm pretty worthless

- fear the Lord! A healthy fear of God can help you respect your spouse.

- From my journal on 2/7 "If there was ever any doubt, I'm definitely married to the most wonderful man in the whole world."

- Jeff is my ally, Satan is my enemy.

- Being Mrs. Priour is a lot like being Erin Walker, but it is still vastly different ... and that is okay.

- I need to be able to find beauty/romance in the everydayness of life

- Every day is an opportunity to worship and no one can steal that away without my consent.

- the entirety of the Bible is like one long list of reasons why God should have destroyed everyone and instead He made a path for forgiveness - proving that love ALWAYS wins

- Jeff is hilarious, beyond generous, and SO fun to be with every day

- Pray! There can be no victory where there is no prayer

- Marriage kicks dating's ass (there really is no better way to say that)

- some 'things' don't always come naturally - I mean, it takes some practice (I'm being purposely vague)

- Shut your mouth! Seriously! It is not necessary for me to express every single time my feelings get hurt.

- laughter and sense of humor are absolutely necessary.

- I have the capacity to hate and love in the same moment, but like Jesus said 'blessing and cursing should not come out of the same mouth' I must choose.

- 'To learn you must love discipline, it is stupid to hate correction' Proverbs12:1. Jeff can sharpen me if I will be soft and moldable and accept correction.

- I snore sometimes. Jeff even recorded it because I didn't believe him.

These are Jeff's reflections:

- Every moment you have a choice to make about your attitude, words, actions, and feelings.

- The hard times do not compare to how great the good times are!

- Everyday is an opportunity o make life long memories.

Please feel free to share your own reflections and lessons you have learned.

Foolishness

Jeff & I are trying to read through the Bible in a year. It is something I have tried to do annually for the last 7 years. I don't think I've been successful every time - but each time there are very familiar passages that come alive in a new way. I love that about the Word - that it is living and active, sharper than any double edged sword (Hebrews 4:12 ... and I had to look this up, it seems no matter how many times I read these verses memorizing references is not my thing). I've used a different translation every year for the last 4 years of doing this and this year we're using the NLT, it is more of a paraphrasing of scripture in more modern day language than it is an exact translation of the original language. I remember being strongly cautioned against using such 'fluffy' translations in one of my freshman religion classes at Baylor - but I decided to take my chances, and I really like it. It makes the old testament much more readable (for me).
One of my favorite themes throughout the Bible is foolishness - I mean really, if Jesus Christ isn't who he said he was, then this whole thing is pretty dang foolish. The Bible is full of fools who obeyed God in his seemingly foolish requests.
I was reading in Deuteronomy about generosity:
'Give generously to the poor, not grudgingly, for the Lord your God will bless you in everything you do. There will always be some in the land who are poor. That is why I am commanding you to share freely with the poor and with other Israelites in need. ' Deut5:10-11.
I like this passage because God acknowledges that the poor will always exist but instead of it being a point of resignation he commands us to give generously to support them. To not do so is to be 'hard hearted' and 'tight fisted' according to verse 7 of Chapter 15. All that we have is God's provision in our lives anyhow isn't it? I am reminded that 'He owns a cattle on a thousand hills' said the Psalmist. I've seen a lot of poverty in the Dallas area (like any major city I'm sure), it is on the news, co-workers talk about it (usually in a negative, dangerous kind of way), and in this time of economic crisis I'm reminded that it is okay to be foolish and 'give to everyone who asks you, give and do not hold back' (Luke 6:30). All I hear on the news are tips for protecting yourself and your finances, and this was a good reminder for me to not become 'tight fisted' or fearful because God has always faithfully provided everything that I've needed and I've never given to someone and not had what I needed for myself. So, my advice is get a little foolish, don't buy into all the media hype about protecting yourself and your money - we can trust Him to satisfy every need we have, but how will we know unless we respond in faith and let ourselves need Him?

Title

I can't think of what to call this post? It is a coming out of hibernation of sorts. I haven't posted in a while because I'm not sure what to say... I'm still not, but thought I'd give it a try anyway. Sometimes I feel like in order to be ABLE to post on here I have to have some kind of news, event, story to share - and I don't really... I just want to process. So, you've been warned:
Life is different. Seems obvious enough - get married, move to new city, start new job... life will be different. Some days the adjustment isn't really a big deal, and other days I can't stand it, but life goes on and it gets better.
I feel like I should preface anything else I'm about to say with, marriage is great - I love being married and my husband is incredible. That being said, I miss my friends, I miss my team, I miss Waco and Woodway, and being familiar with everything. All in all I think it was pretty necessary for us to move away and I can see ways we have grown individually and together already that would have been a lot more difficult had we not moved.
I have felt in a way that I haven't in a long time (probably since I was living in Turkey) that NOTHING can satisfy except for Jesus. It is easy when Jeff is really the only friend that I have in the Bedfordish area, or see daily to want him to meet my needs and want him to satisfy me. And he can't... I mean, he can in the immediate kind of way, but not in the deep, sustaining way that my soul longs for. And for the first time in my life, I'm having to choose Jesus daily without anyone (husband excluded) around me spurring me in that direction on a daily basis. Honestly, I pretty pridefully expected that I wouldn't struggle with that choice, but I have, a lot, and there have been several days I have not chosen wisely.
Ultimately, I'm thankful for this time (however long it lasts) because I KNOW now that my hope, my joy, my Jesus does not rely on my home group, my roommates, my teammates, my friends or any other of life's circumstances. I would have said I believed that... but it has been good to be tested in that and see what I'm really standing on. Truthfully, I have stood on many of your shoulders and have felt kind of empty without you - but I know it isn't YOU that makes me stronger, it is Jesus IN you and even when you aren't with me I still have access to that kind of strength...but it doesn't come as naturally as it did beside you. That's really all I've been wanting to say...I miss you, but I'm feeling disciplined and refined in a way that reminds me of the gracious Father love of God that is always calling us to wholeness and holiness. And that's a good feeling, I haven't felt the burning fires of refinement in a while... and it hurts and the pain reminds me to be soft and moldable. It is good.

weekender retreat

Last weekend Jeff & I went on a pre marital retreat with Legacy Family Ministries - it was GREAT! I really wasn't initially looking forward to it - I'm one of those people that always hated retreats, especially ones with a bunch of random people I've never met and will probably never see again. Fortunately, Anna Beth & Keith went with us and that was WONDERFUL! It was really good for us to get to spend time with them. I'm so proud of them for the ways they have chosen to respond to everything that has happened recently and not that my stamp means anything, but I TOTALLY approve them for marriage =o) So - back to why this weekend was great:
I've known (and probably the watching world has too) for a while that I have some pride, selfishness, and overall filth in my life that does not contribute to my future spouse's wholeness. I've finally repented over that. It is one thing to acknowledge, to confess even, but to really feel the weight of that and what it does to our relationship was good for me. I think that 80% of the conflict we have could be alleviated if not totally eliminated if I would choose humility and love instead of pride and selfishness. Byron gave a great talk about this - he had this great black and white picture of Carla in her wedding dress and talked about how as she walked down the isle he thought to himself 'this is going to be easy!'. He had no idea how their son would battle cancer as a toddler for 2 years and all of the hardship they would face together and as a family. As he shared about ideals and how we all go into marriage with this idea about who our spouse should be, what marriage should be like, the expectations we've been building for a lifetime.... it really is necessary to tear those things down in order to hold on to the person. As he shared this he ripped up the picture of Carla on their wedding day and talked about how he could choose to hold on to the ideal and be unhappy that they haven't reached it or he could rip it up and hold on to Carla the person. I mean after all isn't that what God did for us? He could have held us to the unreachable ideal and punished us all for not being who He created us to be, but instead he ripped up that ideal in Jesus Christ so that He could hold on to us as we are. And I have the same choice in front of me for the rest of my life. I can tear apart Jeff for his 'failures' to meet my expectations, or I can rip up the ideal to hold on to Jeff just as he is, even when it isn't what I expected. I'm so excited about that and so necessarily humbled. Jeff has graciously forgiven me and I think we love each other even more coming out of this weekend. I can't wait to get married!!! Only 6.5 more weeks! =o)

learning curve

I know I haven't talked much about my life recently and I think it's because I'm not sure where to start. Being engaged has been fun - and not fun, but I didn't quite anticipate the feelings that I've had and the issues that have surfaced. It's funny, I thought that by the time I got married I would be someone different than I am now. Not that I wouldn't be me, but that I would have figured out more by now about service and selflessness. If I've learned anything in the last couple months it is that I have so much room to grow and that God chooses to use your spouse to refine you more than anyone else. Somewhere in my brain I knew that cognitively, but experiencing it has been really significant for me.
There is something healing about just knowing that Jeff is committed to me forever, no matter what....he chose me. I feel so honored by him and am so excited to have the opportunity grow beside him. He is an excellent sharpening iron. I'm sure that he has been all along, but for lots of years I just kept trying to shape and mold him without allowing who he is naturally to sharpen ME. I can be SO arrogant, it should be illegal. I don't think I've fully understood what unconditional acceptance, grace, and love is available to me in Jesus until I received that from Jeff. That in itself has transformed me - hopefully forever.
It is such a unique blessing to have the opportunity to become more like Jesus by getting married. I like to think that I have loved people for a long time, and loved them well. But, somehow marriage brings a completeness to it that I didn't have before. I loved to spend time with people (occasionally), to go out of my way for them (sometimes), to meet their needs (when possible)... but what I didn't understand was the complete otherness of the marriage relationship. I don't get to quit when it isn't convienient for me, when I'm tired or busy. Marriage in a way that honors God is completely selfless and beautiful. Marriage isn't about making me happy, someone probably told me that before - but I didn't believe them... however, marriage is wholly about making me holy and I'm SO excited about that. I fully expect a lot of 'failure' as Jeff & I enter into marriage and becoming more holy, but I'm really excited about growing together. There is NO ONE I'd rather fight with and for than you, Jeff - I love you.

Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander

I love this title of a book by Thomas Merton. I've been needing to remind myself this a lot. The new Caedmon's Call album is really good - there is a song on it I've been listening to a lot lately called 'Share in the Blame.' It has been good for me. Without realizing it, I was becoming more and more judgemental towards people, issues, problems etc. I have all kinds of theories and ideas about solving the world's problems and who should do what and who is contributing to them. While it might help me to grapple with some of these issues, it doesn't help my soul to place the blame on others. I've been reading the gospels a lot lately and there is a clear message that Jesus sent to the world - Mercy triumphs over judgment. Always, it always wins to be merciful.
I don't think that this means I shouldn't think long and hard and be hurt or angry about injustice and things that are happeneing in the world... but ultimately, blame placing, or judgement making aren't hurting anyone except for me. I've just been struggling with what it means to be ultimately merciful and loving while still holding others responsible for their actions and standing for justice? The more I think about it the more I think that I don't understand justice and I don't understand mercy. Praise God who is greater than our hearts right?

Just musings...

Front Porch Swing

I was sitting on the swing at the Addison's house the other night just praying and listening and this is what I wrote...


The temperature outside is perfect, there is just barely a breeze and the air smells like freshly cut grass. The gentle rumble of thunder sounds in the distance along with flashes of lightning illuminated behind the setting sun. The frogs, crickets, cicadas and the fluttering of wings form their own chorus around me. The pond ripples in the distance and the faint quacking of ducks rises above the water. And here I sit, just an audience to this perfect July evening. Only, there is a heaviness weighing around me that makes every noise seem louder and a little bit threatening. This phrase keeps orbiting around in my brain reverberating off of my heart and not finding its home in my soul … ‘To live is Christ and to die is gain.’ The weight it carries with it makes the insect chorus around me seem like a chanting to some unknown climax. I came out here to sit on this swing and find a refuge in this wilderness and now I’m wondering if we are friends or foes. Afraid – that is what I feel, grasping – like I’m reaching for something I am not sure I could hold on to even if I could touch it. I can’t be in control, I don’t get to direct the choir around me and I won’t know ultimately if we can be friends. Lord, I don’t know what else to say except it is YOURS. The Earth is your footstool and yet you count the hairs on my head. There is pain, confusion, uncertainty, some fear, and lots of faith and hope in Your Supreme goodness.
I am inspired by the lives of the Saints, saints like Paul – Paul Saxon and Paul formerly known as Saul. They both endured pain and suffering I can’t even wrap my mind around and yet there was a simple trust in Your provision for them and the ultimate goodness of Your love towards your children that spurred them onward. I am in awe of the way their lives and their deaths point toward the indescribable worth of Jesus Christ in all things.
Is there a storm coming? Is that the tension that hangs in the air? I don’t know … and that is okay because right now all that matters is joining in the chorus around me to worship the Creator of the Universe.

I'm back...

Hello Friends! Well, I'm back at work and in America ... I thought I was really ready to come home but the more time that passes the more I look forward to the future and what God has called me to. Don't get me wrong, I love having endless amounts of electricity whenever I want it and eating good food and drinking non-parasitic water, these are all good things, not to mention my family and loved ones that are here. So, I'm glad that I have some more months here before I move to the Middle East. However, what I find myself missing is the urgency, the power, the purpose, the sense that life isn't all about me and doing whatever I want. The more time I spend overseas the more I am convinced that God is the hardest to find in America - at least for me. Life is HARD over there. Not in a complaining, pitying kind of way, but in a way I had never experienced first hand before it is just difficult and undesirable - speaking from the flesh. I was reading the other night and God gave me something to hold on to about what life will be like to live there every day:
'Count it joy, Erin, when you encounter trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing.' James 1:2-4

I really think that at the end of my time in Iraq I will have found that I am more complete than I would have been if I had not chosen to go there. All that to say that as I've struggled with what to tell people about my experiences there this is the conclusion I've come to. It won't be easy, it will be pretty hard, but Jesus us undoubtedly worth it and has promised his perfect provision in the midst of hardships. That's all I got... and here are some more pictures from the trip:


this is a picture of statue in the city that I think is such a picture of what Jesus wants to do there.


It was GREAT getting to spend time with my team. I am very thankful for them and their commitment to me and for their own personal devotion to Jesus that has changed me.

That's all I got for now. Thanks for your prayers and let me know if you want to see more pictures - I got em.

Get your Kurdi on...

So, today was really fun! We went to the University and were hanging out with some friends we met at the dorm. They asked me if I had been to the bazar and found clothes that I liked there... Well, honestly - no way! Not digging the fashion here, but I couldn't say that, so instead I said 'oh yes! I love the Cili Kurdi' meaning - I love these crazy, fancy, kurdish dresses you wear to special occasions. So, then they insisted that I try one on and before I knew what was going on there were girls taking my clothes off and dressing me in one of these outfits and because Elyse is my twin - she had to do it too! Here are some pics of the event:

This is one of my friends dressing me with with jewelry and all!


dressing Elyse - she however refused to take off her clothes, whereas it all happened so fast I didn't really get a choice.


This is the wonder of the Kurdi!! It consists of genie in a bottle pants, a little dress that matches the pants, a long see through dress with beads and sequins and some sequiny belts and things.


These girls are all sisters that let us wear their Kurdies! They are so sweet!

It was really fun and we got some great pictures but the moral of the story is don't say 'I love Cili Kurdi' unless you are willing to put one on - right then.

we're here!

Here are some pictures from our time in the Rock so far...



This is me and michelle in front of our house


This is me and Elyse at the site of the women's center


This is all of the girls at the girls dorm at the university


This is me and Emma playing at the park!

We're having a great time - minus the ridiculous heat! Thank God for your air conditioners today, no really - do it. =o)

hard week...

It has been a hard week. It doesn't feel like it is over yet, but I am still standing and can feel hope, so that is good.
I've been reading this book in preparation for Easter called 'The Day Christ Died' and it is this hour by hour account of the last day of his life. The guy who wrote it did a ton of research so as to be as accurate as possible but puts it in the form of a narrative. It has been very meaningful for me as I myself, on a much smaller scale, am exeriencing some of these same emotions and thoughts. I read this the other day
- You have multiplied, O Lord, my God your wonderous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you!... I desire to do you will, O My God; your law is within my heart... my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me... as for me I am poor and needy but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer do not delay o My God! Psalm 40

There's this great line from the book I'm reading 'when lightning flashes and thunder rolls the sheep look not at the sky but at the shepherd.'

With Hope... Erin

At Your Feet

It is true cause I am watching it unfold right now.
Trying to save, protect and preserve my life leads only to death.
How did I get here? Who fenced me in?
I did - when I built walls to keep you out I closed myself in too.
This isn't what I wanted! Let me outta here!
There's only one way out and I'm looking at it asking 'how?'
I WANT abundant life, peace, and freedom, but at what price?
Cause the only way I see is to die.
I can't leave any room for self or I'll end up back here again trying to claw my way over these walls.
I can't do it! It's too much!
'Let it go' He says to every objection I make.
Submission - a recognition of Authority and a choice to humbly lay down under it.
That's the only way to keep the walls down -- to lay low, with my very self and will bowed low to the ground in trust and humility before the Master.
Jesus, be my portion, Jesus, be my King. Lover of souls I am giving you all I have, because all that I need I will find at Your feet.

"The disposition to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self." T.C. Upham

My Love Hasn't Grown Cold

or has it... ?
I have been reflecting lately on who I have become and how I got here. I have a word document that is 26 pages of poems and other things I have written over the last 4 years. I was surprised by the life and passion that I remembered through those words I once wrote. This is something I wrote almost 2 years ago:
May 3, 2005
Thirsty
*Psalm34:8-9, Psalm36:5-9
I could never fathom the depths of my soul or drink deeply enough from the world’s riches to be full.
I never imagined the fullness of life that dwells inside me existed before…
But one taste – one drop, and the expanse of my soul opened up to all glory in heaven and on the earth.
To taste the goodness of My Lord flowing from the river of delight will forever confound me.
Where there once was arid desert, there now is a deep spring of life that continually brings restoration to my entire being.
I thirst, Jesus I thirst… but no longer am I quenched by fleshly desires that wage war against my soul.
My thirst is for You, my King, for holiness, for home – and it is precisely because I have tasted and been filled that I will return daily, parched for more of You.
Not because You are not enough to satisfy, but because the deeper I drink from Your fountain and of Your life, the more of me there is to fill.
Thank you Jesus, for the times in the desert that teach me to be thirsty – come now and flood the depths I didn’t even know I had.

I haven't thirsted like this in a really long time. I feel like I have been in this place of just kind of orbiting around not fully engaged or at rest either. There are parts of me that have grown a lot and a lot of healing that has happened - but I miss the purity of my devotion to Jesus that I once aimed for. I got lost in the 'duties' and forgot how to 'be'. It is hard to be passionate about Jesus alone, I feel like it is easy to get misdirected - to be passionate about the marginalized, the lost, or community and miss Jesus. My life has felt very about Jesus and not very with Jesus lately. There's this very Nora Jonesy sounding song by Bethany Dillion called 'My love hasn't grown cold', it has been a good reminder of the steadfast and unchanging love of God because that is hard for me to understand when I don't love anyone like that.

"Oh My love it does not tire or wane like the moon and all the times when you feel lost oh low and behold my love hasn't grown cold for you. You could steal away in the middle of the night and hide in the light of day while you cloak yourself in the darkest light but oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear and as soon as you look ahead, I am here. If only you could see how heaven stands when you speak and oh they dance and I have wrapped you in mystery and oh my love for you is as wide as the galaxies just hold out your hand and close your eyes, come, come be with me"

I want to be be with Jesus again and have it not be about anyone or anything else. Ask me how this is going? =o)

Christmas

I wrote this in church this morning because I was feeling more frustrated with Christmas than able to enjoy it and expressing things makes me feel better...
The joy that fills my heart today doesn't come from lights or trees and bows.
It isn't a 'season' like winter or spring that comes with regularity and without any asking.
How did we get here - so mixed up and confused? Worshiping presents and family instead of the Savior - Emmanuel.
That God could so humble himself - so lowly as to even fit inside of a womb...
The God of the universe who spread out the heavens and calls forth the dawn chose to enter into our smallness, our frailty and pain, our meagerness and shame.
Not so we can decorate our homes, give a feast, and sing carols so familiar.
But to rescue us, to forefit his own life for ours, ot manifest hope for the entire world.
The manger wasn't lofty - strung with lights and shiny paper, that was never God's style.
So, what are we doing? Can we still find Jesus in all the extravagance of Christmas? Who are we celebrating and is He honored in our traditions?
I don't want to be awed by the size of the tree, the number of gifts or the beauty of the decor and miss the meekness of Jesus.
Oh God, let it be that we are awed by your sacrifice and by your fleshly life alone.
Let this be our worship and the joy that flows from our souls, for the coming of Jesus and the fulfillment of life's purpose.
Let the elegance fade away till we are awed with YOU there in the stable bowing before you in adoration of the coming of God into the world - thank you Jesus!

God's Politics

Sorry it's been so long since the last postage. Is it really November already? This kind of creeps me out. In light of the recent election as well as my own recent interest in politics I thought I'd let you in on a little political discourse I've been having with myself recently. You can only discourse with yourself for so long before it is socially unacceptable and I fear I might be reaching this point, so come on in the water is.... ???
So, I voted on Tuesday and I am gonna tell you a little secret - that was the first time I ever voted. I've just never had the interest or felt like it really mattered or wanted to educate myself before. But I really enjoyed it and at the same time was kind of surprised at what turned out to be the key issues in this election. Here are some thoughts I've written down over the last few months as I've been thinking about this stuff:

"Peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication." - Derek Webb

What does it mean to have fleshly enemies? To take a stand against evil while loving the enemy? To submit to God's ultimate and complete authority while engaging in the battle around us? Is war an act of vengance and should we EVER touch that? Is it dangerous language to name the terrorists 'the enemy.' - who is the REAL enemy here? Who's definiton of 'evil' are we as a nation using and can we hold that up to a totally different culture as a measuring rod?

I obviously have a lot more questions than answers here. I know I need to seek a heart of humility instead of judgment and pray for our world leaders A LOT!
Here are some truth's I've been praying over some of the things going on in the world today...
Let the groans of the prisoners come before you; according to your great power, preserve those doomed to die! Psalm 79:11. This is my prayer for the death penalty to be abolished and for all of the prisoners around the world that are in need of a Savior.

Give the King your justice, O God, and your righteousness to the royal son! May He judge your people with righteousness, and your poor with justice! May he defend the cause of the poor of the people, give deliverance to the children of the needy and crush the oppressor! Psalm 72: 1-2, 4
This is my prayer for the leaders of the world today

This was King David's prayer before his death and I LOVE how it captures his heart as a man who lived under the authority of God...
Blessed are You, O lord God of Israel our father, forever and ever. yours, O Lord, is the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and on the earth; yours is the dominion, O Lord, and you exalt Yourself as head over all. Both riches and honor come from You and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. Now, therefore, our God we thank you and praise Your glorious name. But who am I and who are my people that we should be able to offer as generously as this? For all things come from You, and from Your hand we have given you.
1 Chronicles 29:11-14

You might want to check out this book, I haven't finished it yet but it has been really helpful in thinking through some of these things. God's Politics by Jim Wallis. Also you can check out www.sojo.net