Honesty

I think I'm about to tell you the truth... I hope you can handle it. =)

Life here has been pretty difficult the last weekish or so. I (Erin) cried for about 2 hours last night and even though I don't wish we were back in America I didn't want to be here. However, location is not the issue, not having water (which we haven't since Saturday with the exception of 1 day), not getting electricity from the government, not being able to make the washing machine work, almost setting the kitchen on fire when I tried to re-heat dinner, being unable to do anything without a lot of assistance.... these are not the issues. They are the things that have been pressing in on us and compounding the frustration, but that is the thing about getting uncomfortable and being out of control... it squeezes out of you all of the things that are buried deep inside, the things you don't want anyone else to see.

The only thing that could calm me down last night was playing some worship songs that are really close to my heart that speak the kind of truth I can't always hear through the noise of my own life. Songs like 'Holy you are still holy even when the darkness surrounds my life. Sovereign you are still sovereign even when confusion is blinding my eyes. Lord, I don't deserve your kind affection and my unbelief has kept me from your touch. I want my life to be a pure reflection of your love. So, I come into your chamber and I dance at your feet Lord, you are my savior and I'm at your mercy all that has been in my life until now, it all belongs to you. For you are still holy.' I had this vision the other night of being this hard ball of clay that was being molded... it was the kind that was so cold and almost like rock that it hurt your hands to try and soften it, but slowly it was warming up and becoming softer and able to be molded. I think that is me right now and the state of my heart.

I don't mean for this to sound all dark and painful, although I have felt much of that lately. I feel a lot of hope and joy too. I'm grateful for the hands that push and break and mold until I am soft and able to be yielded to whatever those hands want to make me into. I ask that you would be praying for Jeff & I in these coming weeks and months. Our time here is too precious, and the work at hand too urgent to waste our time and energy being angry, frustrated, rebellious, and a number of other very unproductive emotions. I feel kind of silly being so frustrated about worldly things when we are dealing every day with families whose children are sick and dying and in need of a heart surgery they may or may not receive. But as I was praying last night I just felt from the Lord that suffering is exactly that - suffering. If it wasn't hard and uncomfortable there would be nothing remarkable about joy in the midst of it. Having to choose joy instead of anger or frustration will likely be a daily (sometimes hourly) choice for me for a while. And for now, that is enough. Knowing that His mercy is new, His grace is sufficient and even when my circumstances don't change - He is still holy.

That's all I have the energy for now. But I've got some great pictures to post of some crazy things we've seen here. I'll try to get that posted in a few days. Thanks for your prayers and for caring about our transition. We have a lot of hope right now for what God has in store for us.