Grief

We decided when we first found out that we were pregnant, that whether we celebrated or whether we grieved, that we wanted to do it with the people that we love – we wouldn’t hide our joy or our pain. So, this is our pain. I am having a miscarriage. We aren’t ready for this to be over yet. We were only knowingly pregnant for a little over a week and somehow in that time everything changed. Our shock and disbelief turned to joy and anticipation. Our entire future changed, and we were so excited. I used to fear that the ‘motherly instinct’ had skipped me altogether and when I was pregnant I wouldn’t feel the things you are supposed to feel. But I know that’s not true now, I want to be a mom so badly. I can’t believe how quickly we grew attached to this pregnancy, this future, this baby… and now it is all ending, just like that. I’m so sad – there are no words to the grief I feel about everything that could have been. But we do not grieve as those who have no hope. From the beginning this has been the Lord’s and at the end it remains His. We may never fully understand why God allowed this to happen right now, this way. But, we believe His everlasting goodness and faithfulness. His love and mercy does not waver or change – I cannot earn it or be removed from it. So, we grieve the loss of this life, this future, our first baby and pregnancy…and we hope. We hope for the family we will have, for the babies we will watch grow up, for the pregnancies that will not end this way. And we trust. We trust God’s love for us, his comfort over our brokenness and pain, his holiness and glory.
“And in your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.” Psalm 139:16.