America is my lullaby

I sing it every day, it seems with each passing moment I drift a little deeper into this slumber of mine.
I don't remember hearing the song, and have no idea when I began singing along... but here I find myself, deep in a slumber I can't seem to shake.
I have moments of awareness, moments where I feel alive and remember what it was like to not be so tired and lifeless, but the longer I let myself sleep the more those seem like dreams.
Maybe it is the workplace or my routine that has me constricted, maybe it is my TV that tells me what to think and what I need, maybe it is how easy and entertaining everything is, maybe it is how life never seems to slow down and I just keep waiting for a break that will never come.
But, bigger than all of these things is the fact that I don't need anything - I almost never feel actual need. I may feel desire or lust, but I don't feel real need here in America. I have everything I need X 12.
It scares me a little bit - or a lot - how easy it is to let myself drift off and it can take weeks before I realize that I haven't felt really ALIVE. I feel most alive when I am connected to the source of life - obviously. But honestly, it is difficult for me to tap into that regularly when I'm here where everything feels so comfortable and I don't need God to do anything for me, to be anyone to me, to tell me who I am.
I don't think it has to be like this, I don't have to sleepwalk through all of my days here - but it is really easy for me to do just that. I know the tune so well that it gets in my head and then if I let it the tune will get in my heart and before I know it I've just slumbered my way through another year without engaging the world around me or engaging Jesus Himself. I'm sure there will be many difficult days in Iraq where I long to be 'home', but I know that I won't be asleep, I will be watchful and alert and alive! I imagine that Iraq has a lullaby all it's own and eventually, it's tune will start to sound familiar, but I'm learning now how to choose to tune it out and sing my own song - one of life and hope and Truth. I want to be like that right now, right here, I'm just confessing that it is really hard for me to do that in America where I can auto pilot my way though life without even remembering I pressed the button.
Does anyone else hear this song or it is just my own struggle to really LIVE everyday and follow Jesus instead of just dreaming about him?

100 miles of brokeness

I feel I must preface this with a warning that this is pretty fresh, unguarded pain and I'm never quite sure how to articulate it, but this is my best effort.
On the drive this morning from Austin to Waco, a measly 101 miles, I had some really significant time with Jesus and just felt compelled to share about it.
A little background: this has been a really lonely season of life for me. I've probably cried about it weekly or at least bi weekly for almost a year. I know that God created each of us as relational beings and as such he made a place for us to dive deeply into community together and love each other well. I desire that so deeply, especially after having experienced several life shaping years of intimate, spiritual community. I've felt for some time that God has intentionally placed me in this lonely season not only to refine me, but also to prepare me. I know it is His mercy that loves enough to give us the best instead of just good or fine. In Iraq I will not have the wealth of relationships and options for community that I have here and this loneliness is good preparation for what is ahead. Even though I have acknowledged that for some time, I have not up to this point been able to accept that. I have kept my fists closed on my own desires and refused to accept God's provision for the moment. I've been convicted of this several times but have never really repented until today. God showed me how self has been a joy-stealer. I've been unhappy and hurt and a lot of other things for a REALLY long time and I didn't have to be - I chose that. Why would you choose something like that?! What person in their right mind would choose to feel miserable when they could choose joy?! The enemy is so crafty and is always looking for ways to steal, kill, and destroy. I became so focused on the lack of community I was experiencing and how everyone had let me down that it became all about me and feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't feeling loved or valued. As I opened up my heart to really listen to what God was saying today and let him hold me and show me his heart for me I realized that I had been looking to the world to fill me and bring me joy. God gave me this picture of me sticking rocks in my mouth and sucking on them trying to get water to quench my thirst, all the while I am sitting by a beautiful, freshwater stream. What an idiot right?! Rocks aren't going to produce water that will satisfy me, and that's a lot of unfruitful work when there is a stream of water that is available. I wonder how often we do that? Suck on rocks when we could drink from the stream - the world will never be able to fill me and produce lasting joy in my heart. That doesn't mean that my desire for community is bad - it is in fact a God given desire. But, my inability to accept God's provision for the time being, which is not the community I would prefer, is a joy killer and a rock sucker. God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want, he doesn't always give us everything we think we need, but He is always who He says He is and He keeps every single promise every day. That's enough for me today. So take it from me, put down the rocks that you want to satisfy you and drink deeply from the stream that actually will!