Journal Entries

I don't usually offer my journal for public viewing, but as we are preparing to finish out this year in Iraq (when we return it will be 2010) I have been doing a lot of looking back and processing about our time here so far – the good, the bad, and the ugly. One of the reasons I have kept a journal for the last 10 years is for times like these – when I need to remember and get an accurate look back over the last several months. It has been a pretty rough year, but I think we’ve learned a lot and grown a lot in ways that I hope will make us more successful in the coming years that we spend overseas. Below are some excerpts from my journal since we’ve been here because I want to give a real (well somewhat, I've been fairly selective in my sharing) glimpse of some of what the last 7 months have been like.

January

1/22: I can’t believe today really came – we are on the plane on our way to the Rock. It was sad saying good-bye – I still feel sad right now, but I also feel eager excitement and anticipation of all that is ahead for us.
Lord, I bring to you now all of my tears, all of my sorrow, all of my fear and tell you that you are the only one who fills me and that following you, even to the ends of the earth, is better Lord. It is better than home, better than comfort, better than family, friends and money. Jesus you are better than all of these things. Please rise up inside me, inside of these vacant places, I need you more than I can begin to imagine.

1/23: There is nothing to fear, but God alone and he is for us! God is my home – when I don’t feel at home anywhere else He is trustworthy. Lord, you will establish peace for us, since you have also performed for us all our works. Isaiah26; 12

1/25: What a great first day we had, Praise the Lord! I’m still feeling so excited about life here and getting settled and learning language. It was great with the team and I’m so encouraged by their confidence and ability here.

February

2/2: Well, we made it through our first really bad day here – thank you Jesus! I was reminded last night about keeping the first things first. It seems that here (as anywhere I suppose) there are so many ways to divide your affection and attention. There are dying children that need surgery, there are families needing updates from us on their child’s status, there is Kurdish to learn and study and practice... and everything seems so urgent. The only way to have any strength, energy, life, light and power to draw from is to be seeking first the Kingdom. Satan wants to distract us and keep us so busy that we miss it completely.

2/9: My first trip out to the villages was a success. The families we met with were wonderful and it was great to get to be involved actively with what is happening now in the life of PLC. It seems unreal that 2 weeks ago we were trying to figure out how and if we could send kids this quarter and here we are 6 days out from sending the first batch of kids. God really does laugh at the impossible, and it must be so that no man can boast… As hard as it is to see families who are hurting, I would rather be a part of this and deal with all of the hurt than to not be here reaching out, providing support, praying, hoping, and loving these kids and their families.

2/10: So, the water is back… but the tanks will only fill ¼ of the way full without a pump and we didn’t get any national electricity today – I guess it is always something. It will be really interesting to see what it is like living in America after this.

2/12: The water is gone again – and the $400 washing machine doesn’t work. I cried for about 2 hours tonight. I think I needed to be really broken and let myself feel sad (even though I still struggle with feeling guilty about my sadness)… It has been much harder than I expected to have a home that I can’t make work right. It would be easier to live with someone else than to have this be our problem every time something else breaks…In the midst of feeling guilty over my frustration and sadness I realized something – although the bible talks about rejoicing in suffering that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. If I didn’t have to choose joy and there wasn’t anything to push my limits – then there wouldn’t be anything remarkable about joy would there? It isn’t as though my oldest child needed a heart surgery he might not be able to survive…but it is still my suffering this week. I’m humbled tonight by my own weakness. It will not be by my own willpower or ability that we will stay in Iraq.
“What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it? 1Corinthians 4:7”

2/15: Thank you Lord for the good reports on the children and their families. I pray that you will continue to comfort and strengthen them.

2/22: It has been 1 month since we left and today was a pretty bad day here. I feel kind of homesick tonight. I just miss my family and friends. I miss the comfortable things of America. I had my first recognizable moment of culture shock today – Lord, please help me to draw from your strength, I feel pretty weary tonight.

2/24: We made it through month 1, we have even made some pretty significant accomplishments, praise the Lord! Lord, let month 2 be twice as purpose filled, joyful, submitted. By your grace Jesus, only by your grace.

2/28: Thank you Jesus for the hope and encouragement I feel tonight. God please continue to speak to me about how I can pray for Jeff. I’m reminded tonight that you are ‘Not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness; no evil dwells with you.” Ps 5:4. You are only holy and righteous and whether you heal and save these children or not, that truth will not change.

March

3/2: Baby Honyar died yesterday morning. I’m not sure how to process it all other than to choose Hope. Hope has meant something special to me these days.

3/11: So, today is the day I found out that our whole life was going to change. That’s right, I’m pregnant! I still can’t quite believe it. I’ve said it enough times today that I thought it would sink in – but it still seems so unreal. I can’t believe we are going to have a baby!

3/14: Lord, thank you for your mercy and continued goodness in my life. I pray that you could continue to give me grace and wisdom to know how to take care of this baby growing inside me.

3/18: I can’t believe it is ending when it feels like it just begun. I’ve only been knowingly pregnant for 8 days and I’ve started to miscarry. One week ago our whole life changed – and we were so happy about that. I can’t believe how quickly I grew attached to this pregnancy, this future, this baby… and now it is all ending, just like that. There are no words to the grief that I feel about everything that could have been…

3/26: Lord, I don’t know how to feel – I’m hopeful and fearful. God you alone hold the power of life and death. The life of this baby belongs to you. God, let your will be done.

April

4/1: Well, it’s a miracle, we saw our little baby and it’s heart beat! Thank you Jesus, I’ve had so many feelings about all of this – of which you are well aware. Help me to rest and take it all one-step at a time.

4/6: Lord, help me! This has been so much harder for me than I ever imagined – the constant nausea and pains. Father, please give me the grace to be able to receive this joyfully and to know how to take care of myself.

May

5/4: Father, thank you for your Word and the life that it brings. Thank you for truth that sets us free. I pray for wisdom as I seek to be a better wife and teammate.

5/8: Oh Lord, it was another hard day where my circumstances just threatened to relentlessly crush my spirit. I wish I felt like I had fought for joy harder but I’m not sure that I really tried. At the end of this day I don’t want to feel hopeless or wonder how many more terrible days await me – I just need you.
“Cast your burden upon the Lord and he will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” Ps 55: 23

5/11 Thank you Jesus for letting us see a healthy, squirming baby today with a good heartbeat. I just confess that you are in control and you are trustworthy.

June

6/4: God, I pray for Shad tonight, please give his body the strength to heal and let him recover from these procedures. God I pray for peace and comfort for his family and for Jeremy and our team. God we trust you and we are asking you to heal Shad, to give him life again.

6/16: “ From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever, let me take refuge in the shelter of your wings.” Ps 61: 2-4

July

7/19: I think I’m finally ready to admit that the closeness I wanted with you (Jesus) that I thought was alluding me as a result of location isn’t any easier half way around the world. I don’t feel any closer, the light doesn’t seem any clearer and being obedient in big things doesn’t change all of the every day things that I am still disobedient in. Nearness to you and closeness to the Spirit doesn’t happen with out me…I know I can’t keep asking you to help me and expect that to produce results without my waiting on you.

We were out of Kurdistan on vacation for most of August and are getting ready to go home now so I don’t have a lot of entries relevant to this post for August so I’ll just end it here. It has been a really trying and meaningful 7 months so far and we are looking forward to coming back in January and doing this again with a baby! We’ll see if I can still find time to journal then… I’m not getting my hopes up.