Journal Entries

I don't usually offer my journal for public viewing, but as we are preparing to finish out this year in Iraq (when we return it will be 2010) I have been doing a lot of looking back and processing about our time here so far – the good, the bad, and the ugly. One of the reasons I have kept a journal for the last 10 years is for times like these – when I need to remember and get an accurate look back over the last several months. It has been a pretty rough year, but I think we’ve learned a lot and grown a lot in ways that I hope will make us more successful in the coming years that we spend overseas. Below are some excerpts from my journal since we’ve been here because I want to give a real (well somewhat, I've been fairly selective in my sharing) glimpse of some of what the last 7 months have been like.

January

1/22: I can’t believe today really came – we are on the plane on our way to the Rock. It was sad saying good-bye – I still feel sad right now, but I also feel eager excitement and anticipation of all that is ahead for us.
Lord, I bring to you now all of my tears, all of my sorrow, all of my fear and tell you that you are the only one who fills me and that following you, even to the ends of the earth, is better Lord. It is better than home, better than comfort, better than family, friends and money. Jesus you are better than all of these things. Please rise up inside me, inside of these vacant places, I need you more than I can begin to imagine.

1/23: There is nothing to fear, but God alone and he is for us! God is my home – when I don’t feel at home anywhere else He is trustworthy. Lord, you will establish peace for us, since you have also performed for us all our works. Isaiah26; 12

1/25: What a great first day we had, Praise the Lord! I’m still feeling so excited about life here and getting settled and learning language. It was great with the team and I’m so encouraged by their confidence and ability here.

February

2/2: Well, we made it through our first really bad day here – thank you Jesus! I was reminded last night about keeping the first things first. It seems that here (as anywhere I suppose) there are so many ways to divide your affection and attention. There are dying children that need surgery, there are families needing updates from us on their child’s status, there is Kurdish to learn and study and practice... and everything seems so urgent. The only way to have any strength, energy, life, light and power to draw from is to be seeking first the Kingdom. Satan wants to distract us and keep us so busy that we miss it completely.

2/9: My first trip out to the villages was a success. The families we met with were wonderful and it was great to get to be involved actively with what is happening now in the life of PLC. It seems unreal that 2 weeks ago we were trying to figure out how and if we could send kids this quarter and here we are 6 days out from sending the first batch of kids. God really does laugh at the impossible, and it must be so that no man can boast… As hard as it is to see families who are hurting, I would rather be a part of this and deal with all of the hurt than to not be here reaching out, providing support, praying, hoping, and loving these kids and their families.

2/10: So, the water is back… but the tanks will only fill ¼ of the way full without a pump and we didn’t get any national electricity today – I guess it is always something. It will be really interesting to see what it is like living in America after this.

2/12: The water is gone again – and the $400 washing machine doesn’t work. I cried for about 2 hours tonight. I think I needed to be really broken and let myself feel sad (even though I still struggle with feeling guilty about my sadness)… It has been much harder than I expected to have a home that I can’t make work right. It would be easier to live with someone else than to have this be our problem every time something else breaks…In the midst of feeling guilty over my frustration and sadness I realized something – although the bible talks about rejoicing in suffering that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. If I didn’t have to choose joy and there wasn’t anything to push my limits – then there wouldn’t be anything remarkable about joy would there? It isn’t as though my oldest child needed a heart surgery he might not be able to survive…but it is still my suffering this week. I’m humbled tonight by my own weakness. It will not be by my own willpower or ability that we will stay in Iraq.
“What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it? 1Corinthians 4:7”

2/15: Thank you Lord for the good reports on the children and their families. I pray that you will continue to comfort and strengthen them.

2/22: It has been 1 month since we left and today was a pretty bad day here. I feel kind of homesick tonight. I just miss my family and friends. I miss the comfortable things of America. I had my first recognizable moment of culture shock today – Lord, please help me to draw from your strength, I feel pretty weary tonight.

2/24: We made it through month 1, we have even made some pretty significant accomplishments, praise the Lord! Lord, let month 2 be twice as purpose filled, joyful, submitted. By your grace Jesus, only by your grace.

2/28: Thank you Jesus for the hope and encouragement I feel tonight. God please continue to speak to me about how I can pray for Jeff. I’m reminded tonight that you are ‘Not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness; no evil dwells with you.” Ps 5:4. You are only holy and righteous and whether you heal and save these children or not, that truth will not change.

March

3/2: Baby Honyar died yesterday morning. I’m not sure how to process it all other than to choose Hope. Hope has meant something special to me these days.

3/11: So, today is the day I found out that our whole life was going to change. That’s right, I’m pregnant! I still can’t quite believe it. I’ve said it enough times today that I thought it would sink in – but it still seems so unreal. I can’t believe we are going to have a baby!

3/14: Lord, thank you for your mercy and continued goodness in my life. I pray that you could continue to give me grace and wisdom to know how to take care of this baby growing inside me.

3/18: I can’t believe it is ending when it feels like it just begun. I’ve only been knowingly pregnant for 8 days and I’ve started to miscarry. One week ago our whole life changed – and we were so happy about that. I can’t believe how quickly I grew attached to this pregnancy, this future, this baby… and now it is all ending, just like that. There are no words to the grief that I feel about everything that could have been…

3/26: Lord, I don’t know how to feel – I’m hopeful and fearful. God you alone hold the power of life and death. The life of this baby belongs to you. God, let your will be done.

April

4/1: Well, it’s a miracle, we saw our little baby and it’s heart beat! Thank you Jesus, I’ve had so many feelings about all of this – of which you are well aware. Help me to rest and take it all one-step at a time.

4/6: Lord, help me! This has been so much harder for me than I ever imagined – the constant nausea and pains. Father, please give me the grace to be able to receive this joyfully and to know how to take care of myself.

May

5/4: Father, thank you for your Word and the life that it brings. Thank you for truth that sets us free. I pray for wisdom as I seek to be a better wife and teammate.

5/8: Oh Lord, it was another hard day where my circumstances just threatened to relentlessly crush my spirit. I wish I felt like I had fought for joy harder but I’m not sure that I really tried. At the end of this day I don’t want to feel hopeless or wonder how many more terrible days await me – I just need you.
“Cast your burden upon the Lord and he will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” Ps 55: 23

5/11 Thank you Jesus for letting us see a healthy, squirming baby today with a good heartbeat. I just confess that you are in control and you are trustworthy.

June

6/4: God, I pray for Shad tonight, please give his body the strength to heal and let him recover from these procedures. God I pray for peace and comfort for his family and for Jeremy and our team. God we trust you and we are asking you to heal Shad, to give him life again.

6/16: “ From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever, let me take refuge in the shelter of your wings.” Ps 61: 2-4

July

7/19: I think I’m finally ready to admit that the closeness I wanted with you (Jesus) that I thought was alluding me as a result of location isn’t any easier half way around the world. I don’t feel any closer, the light doesn’t seem any clearer and being obedient in big things doesn’t change all of the every day things that I am still disobedient in. Nearness to you and closeness to the Spirit doesn’t happen with out me…I know I can’t keep asking you to help me and expect that to produce results without my waiting on you.

We were out of Kurdistan on vacation for most of August and are getting ready to go home now so I don’t have a lot of entries relevant to this post for August so I’ll just end it here. It has been a really trying and meaningful 7 months so far and we are looking forward to coming back in January and doing this again with a baby! We’ll see if I can still find time to journal then… I’m not getting my hopes up.

Four heart surgeries!

It has been 1 weeks since we sent 4 children to Turkey to receive life saving heart surgery and all four have received their operations.


This is 3 year old Maziyar. He is out of ICU and running around the hospital! He is doing really well and will likely be returning home to Iraq very soon.


This is 11 year old Mohammed. He is still in ICU and will hopefully be released soon. His surgery went really well and we are hoping he will be stable very soon.


This is 8 year old Ruzhan with her father. She just returned from surgery yesterday and was looking great! She received a full correction and has a full life ahead of her.


This is 4 month old Daryan. He was the last to receive surgery and is still in ICU in critical condition. Please keep praying for him over these next few days that he would begin breathings on his own and continue to recover.

We are so thankful for our team with the kids and their families in Turkey and for the amazing surgical team at ASM! Praise God for the opportunity that these children will have to grow up and be healthy. To read more about these kids and watch some pretty cool videos, head on over to the PLC blog.

Baby Daryan

We are sending 4 children to Turkey tomorrow for heart surgery. We are hoping to send one more, but are waiting for all of their documents to be in place before we can send them. Please be praying for these children and their families. We are sending one baby, baby Daryan. He is 4 months old but still looks like a newborn. He has several very complicated heart problems.

Our doctor in Turkey isn’t even sure that he will be able to operate but the best chance this baby has is to get to Turkey so the doctor can see what can be done to help him. These will be difficult weeks ahead for these families. We pray that the grace of God would rest heavily on them and that they would KNOW the peace of Christ, which surpasses all understanding. You can be checking PLC’s blog for more updates on these kids as they arrive in Turkey and are scheduled for surgery. Thank you for your prayers!

Lately

We’ve had some busy days the last few weeks and I’d thought I’d give you a brief glimpse into what’s been going on around here.
Last week all of the kids who were sent to Turkey for heart surgery returned and Shad’s funeral began. Funerals here last about a week and begin as soon as someone dies. I got to see all 4 kids who received surgery and it was great! I was really blessed to be in their homes and hear about their experience in Turkey and see how grateful they are to have healthier children. The youngest child we sent was little 2.5-year-old Roman. I went to his house twice last week and couldn’t believe the improvement. When I saw him before surgery he was always either sleeping or laying in his mom’s lap. He wasn’t very active and didn’t want to play with his brothers. I couldn’t believe that he was the same kid! Now he is riding his tricycle all over the house, wrestling with his brothers, and can hardly sit still. It is beautiful to see childhood restored to these children. I had lunch with another little girl’s family we sent and she is doing wonderfully. She was not able to receive a total correction because of the complexity of her heart problem but the doctors assured us that she would live a long life and be able to have children. She got all dressed up and put makeup on (I think she is 7) and is eating much better now than she was before surgery. She is very small for her age but should be able to gain weight properly now. The oldest child we sent was 16-year-old Lowen. Her parents have known about her heart problem for more than 10 years and have been waiting for the day that she could be healed. It was great to see the gathering of family and neighbors at their home to celebrate her recovery. I only got to see Schwan briefly as his family lives in a village 3 hours away from our city, but he was looking fabulous as he clutched his heart shaped pillow that the kids receive after surgery to help ease some of the pain. We are going to his village this week to see his family and check up on him. I also got to see one of our kids that we sent back in February. Little Lowran is just over a year old and will require another surgery when he is older. His lips and hands still have a blue tint to them and he can’t yet sit up by himself because he is so underweight and doesn’t have control of his muscles. He isn’t crawling or sitting yet, but he is making progress and getting stronger. I’m realizing more and more the dire importance of these children getting heart surgery while they are still babies. Ten-year-old Shad just had to wait too long for his surgery and his body was too weak from 10 years of fighting. The same is true for the kids who have been inoperable. If they had the chance to get surgery when they were babies (both were diagnosed since birth) they wouldn’t be facing the medical hopelessness that they are now.
Shad’s funeral was the first I have attended since we arrived here. They set up a large tent outside the house and all of the women gather there. The body is immediately taken to the mosque and that is where all of the men go. It is culturally appropriate for the women to be very vocal in their expressions of grief. They cry and wail and it is a very corporate event. There were probably over 100 women gathered in the tent when we arrived and it was really heart breaking. It was really encouraging though to see the mom’s of the other children who had been in Turkey with Shad there because they really understood how easily it could have been their child. There were also two moms’ whose children died in Israel awaiting heart surgery there. It grieves us that any of these parents have to go through this and yet I was really blessed to see how they support and care for each other. We’re praying that it won’t always be like this. That on that list of 4,000 kids waiting their turn that they won’t have to wait until it is too late for them. You can be a part of the solution. By making a donation to PLC you are helping to save a child’s life, restoring their childhood, and helping ensure that it is not too late. We’re praying for hope for these families who have faced and are facing medical hopelessness. We know there is a Hope that surpasses our circumstances and cradles us in our grief. Join us in praying Hope for these families today.

Shad

PLC sent 5 kids (and helped send one 26 year old) for heart surgery 2 weeks ago. All of the children were able to receive the life saving heart surgeries they required. The older girl was determined to be inoperable, it was just too late for her, she had to wait too long. One of the most critical and difficult cases was a little boy named Shad. He is 10 years old couldn't wait any longer for this surgery. We weren't sure he would even be operable as his case was so difficult. The doctor determined that he could do the surgery but that it would not be a total correction for Shad.
Shad went through his first surgery only to have to have another emergency surgery the next day. He had begun to recover last week and was finally released from ICU and was talking excitedly about returning to Iraq. He crashed suddenly on Thursday morning and was rushed into another emergency surgery. He was in critical condition yesterday and his Dad had given up hope for his recovery. We don't know the details yet, but we received word that Shad passed away this morning. We had been fervently hoping and praying for a different outcome and I know we are all grieved by this news. But we know who holds life and death in His hands and we believe wholeheartedly in His all surpassing goodness. Join us in praying for Shad's father who is at the hospital with Jeremy as they work to get the body back to Iraq. Pray for his siblings and his mother as they are back here in Iraq grieving with their family. Pray that God would comfort and draw these ones near to Himself.

Please Pray

I went to see Serhang and his family today. It was really wonderful too see them and really, really sad too. His family is really amazing. I pretty much fell apart when I asked his parents how they were doing and feeling after finding out that Serhang is inoperable. His dad talked so lovingly about his eldest son and how he would do anything for him. His mother kept asking us if there was any hope for him. The medical answer is simply no, there is no hope. Our doctor in Turkey is one of the best and if he can't do it than no one can do it. I told them that we had not given up hope for him but that we believed that the God who created him is the God who can heal him. I told her that we would not stop praying for him and asking our friends around the world to pray for him as well. We laid our hands on sweet Serhang and asked Jesus to heal him. We don't know how much time he has left, only God does. But, I'm going to be honest with you - I'm going to be heart broken if God doesn't heal him or make a way for him to have surgery. I held back my tears the best I could, but it was pretty impossible to not love that kid and his family. His mom had to go get tissues for me because I couldn't not cry anymore. I promised them that we would not forget them and that we would do whatever we could to help them. Serhang has some brain damage due to the lack of oxygen that is getting pumped to his brain, but he understands. He understands that he will not have the chance to be made well like the other kids did. Serhang told his dad when he got off the plane from Turkey that he didn't have to worry anymore because he got heart surgery and was well. His mom was planning a party for him when he got back to celebrate his recovery. Serhang keeps asking her if they will still get to have the party. I know that God loves Serhang infinitely more than even his parents love him, but it is so painful to see their hurt and disappointment. So, please pray for Serhang. Let's be like the widow who kept going to the judge everyday until he gave her what she asked for. We told his family today about how Jesus raised people from the dead and did all kinds of miracles and that he still did them today. For the sake of your name in this place Jesus, please heal Serhang. Amen.

New Rosa loves T-Shirt

Our friends at Rosa Loves created this shirt to help raise $4,0000 to pay for Hussein's heart surgery. I heard about Rosa loves through their partnership with The Preemptive Love Coalition in making this shirt. They exist to tell the stories of people and organizations who are doing something good and call others to get involved.
They make these awesome looking shirts that graphically tell the story of the organization and then on the inside of the shirt right where your heart is, is the written story in this case of Hussein.


They will continue to make and sell the shirts until they reach their goal to fund Hussein's surgery. So, get yours today and get one for your friend for Christmas and not only will you have an awesome shirt but you will have helped save Hussein's life. Click here to purchase this shirt.

What you really want for Christmas

Christmas is - at its historical heart - the celebration of a life;
namely, the life of Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Mary.

But even in its contemporary form, Christmas is a celebration of life and living; for even those that do not celebrate Jesus at Christmas do celebrate the memories and warmth of family, the assurance of another year successfully completed, and the hopefulness of a year ahead.

There is no gift greater than the gift of life.

All the decorations, the songs, and the gift-giving are meant to say one thing: “Life is worth living and it’s great living it with you!”

This season, share that message in a meaningful way with your loved ones and with Iraqi families on the other side of the world. With an inherent emptiness to so many of the gifts we reach for at Christmastime, this Gift of the Heart is assuredly one of the most impact-making gifts you can give this year, providing hope, real medical relief, and peace to mothers, fathers, and their children waiting in Iraq for a spot on the coveted Surgery List.

All Gifts of the Heart funds will cover medical, travel, and hospitality expenses for an Iraqi child and mother.
Give Life!

When you make a donation in honor of someone you will receive this "In your honor" gift certificate. You will also receive a:

- Softcover coffee table book of Preemptive Love Art commissioned and culled from Kurdish artists supporting PLC in Iraq

- Free PLC 3X4" vinyl stickers

- Free "Buy Shoes. Save Lives." campaign bracelet.

So, click on over here and give the gift of life this year.

Pics from MEW at UMHB

We had a good time last week hanging out with students at Mary Hardin Baylor and telling them about the work we will be doing in Iraq and what is currently going on with The Preemptive Love Coalition.


This is a canvas I made for the event to showcase some of the latest stuff from our website.

The following are pics of pinwheels our sunday school class help make for the event. PLC has a new Pinwheels program to help advocate for these kids in Iraq and give people some really tangible ways to get involved. Did you know that most of these 3000+ Iraqi children in need of heart surgery aren't even strong enough to blow a pinwheel? So, if you can blow a pinwheel then you can make a pinwheel, sell a pinwheel, get a bunch of people together to make and sell or showcase pinwheels on behalf of these kids who need our help!


Aren't these fun?!



This is us at our booth for the ACT Now event

If you don't have a buy shoes. save lives or preemptive love T-shirt yet, the new V-necks are on the website and they're pretty awesome!

A History of Oppression, A Legacy of Hope

This is a painting I did for the Global Celebration at Woodway this week. It is about the Kurds of Northern Iraq. The theme is in the title of this post. The idea is this: the Kurds have endured a lot of pain, horror, war, and terror in their history. The left side of the painting shows the darkness, pain, blood, and struggle they endured. The pictures on the canvas were taken by Cody Fisher (Michelle's boyfriend...smile). Cody even went on assignment and took a picture of a statue in the city, that is the pic in the middle of the canvas. The pictures were all printed on fabric and then attached to the canvas so they didn't come out as clear as I had hoped but wanted to add a consistent texture to the work. The picture on the top left is of one of the weapons left at the 'Red Prison' in Northern Iraq - you can see the prison in the background. It is one of the largest prisons he built while he was in power and hundreds of thousands of Kurds were murdered there. The second picture is of Aras, one of the children in need of a heart surgery. While Aras is receiving funding that will hopefully lead to a successful surgery, there are still thousands of children who are dying because of a lack of medical care available in Iraq (re: www.buyshoessavelives.com). The tree in the painting is there because I wanted to link the two sides, oppression and hope are not independent - they usually work together. Part of the beauty of the Kurdish people, their brokenness and openness lies in their pain ... but there is so much hope on the horizon. The right side of the painting is slightly larger than the left, because there is always more hope than oppression - because of Jesus. The statue in the middle is of a woman who had shackles binding her arms but she has her arms over her head and it is as if she has just broken the chains of oppression! I love this statue, it is a constant reminder that even in dark places in the world Jesus still wants to bring freedom to the captive and has asked us to do the same. The pictures on the right side are more hopeful. The one on the top is of a bunch of children, I think they are refugees living in a camp that Cody visited. The bottom was not taken by Cody, but a friend of his and it is this older couple and on the wall behind them there is a heart that says 'luv' in it.
There are a lot of things I would love to tell people about the Kurds. They have a history certainly... but they also have a legacy, and it is my prayer that it will be full of hope, love, and Life in Jesus Christ!