the veil

This is a picture of what I wore to a fashion show a couple weeks ago... nice huh? It is traditional Baharainian garb. I wore the black over the red which was worn over my normal clothes. I wore it all for about 2 hours before I got to take off the black. You know, I have so much respect for those women who choose to cover themselves. And I didn't feel stifiled, I felt secure. I was able to sit there in a room full of people and feel totally invisible, kids dream of doing that. I think in our Western way we're so used to this 'need' to express ourselves that we just imagine that Eastern covered women feel oppressed... I don't think so anymore. Here's a picture of me with it all on...

Live in the meanwhile and groan well

What does it mean for me to live in the meanwhile?

As Christians we are in this wonderful balance between the fulfillment of God’s promises to us and the world he has given to us. This is the meanwhile.

I live in the meanwhile when my attitude and actions reflect that there is a hope for something yet to be attained and at the same time I do not fail to recognize the world that is currently surrounding me. This looks like being actively engaged in preparing myself and others to receive that which is the fulfillment of my entire life’s hope. I would count myself with Paul in saying that I will have wasted my WHOLE life and should be pitied if Christ, whom I have built my life upon – is not who He said He was and is. The meanwhile groans for what is to come while rejoicing in what exists now. The meanwhile does not use worldly standards of success or failure but believes and hopes all things in Christ Jesus. While I may be a wanderer or vagabond, I am never without aim or direction. To live in the meanwhile is to be profoundly affected by the grace of God daily – his grace was not in vain in my life, but continues to transform me into the very image of Jesus Himself.

more than you probably ever wanted to know about me..

One of the fun things for me about Candidate School was that we got to take all these personality inventories and different psychological evaluations that served to tell us more about who we are and how God has made us. I learned some valuable stuff about myself and my strengths and weaknesses. I think this stuff is so cool and totally love it, so if you know what you are, tell me!

I am an extreme personality… this is probably obvious to most of you, but on these tests I was not moderately anything, I was all the way there or not there at all. My dot was on the edge of the circle or my line way out there, you get the picture.
I am an ENFP, which stands for Extroversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving. As far as my E goes, I like to initiate with people, I am very expressive (characterized by: ‘may sometimes wonder whether you’ve talked too much or said inappropriate or perhaps embarrassing things’), I am Gregarious- Intimate meaning I like both kinds of interactions, I am also active-reflective in that I like contact with people but also like to have my space to process stuff. I am also very enthusiastic. My N, for intuition was very strong, meaning I am not at all sensing (concrete, realistic, practical experiential, traditional). So, this means that I am abstract, imaginative, conceptual, theoretical and original meaning ‘you would rather figure out your own way than read the directions’… ummm yeah, I throw the box away without even taking out the directions.
The F is for feeling which I was either all the way there or totally on the other side. I am all the way empathetic, compassionate, and accepting. However, I am out of preference for feeling in that I am also questioning (‘are typically tactful but can be skeptical, confrontational, and outspoken’) and a combination of the tough-tender.
My P is also all perceiving and no judging. This means that I prefer flexibility and spontaneity and not decisiveness and closure. I ‘like to wait, see what happens, and then wing it.’
So, things this helped me learn about myself and how I relate to others… while I feel like I am really open minded, I really do tend to respond to people pretty universally from my own limitations of how I function best. I really need to limit my expressiveness sometimes to those who appreciate my style and be okay when people don’t appreciate it. I also need to start making some plans and working out the details earlier.

There was this other test we took to measure interpersonal skills and I had the HIGHEST score of the entire group… this means that I really value working with other people and want to be included, kind of want to have some control, and want affection. Apparently affection is my highest need and control is my lowest priority. So, while it will always be true about me that I value people and having relationships with people I am also learning a lot about building better boundaries in my friendships and releasing A LOT of expectations that I have for myself and others.

Lastly, we took this Team Dimensions Profile test to figure out what role we normally take on teams and I am an advancer leaning towards creativity. The definition of an advancer is those team members who communicate new ideas and carry them forward are advancers. They focus on the personal, interactive world of feelings and relationships. Advancers manage the human component of any solution, and they enjoy whipping up enthusiasm for a project. Apparently some of my challenges here are sticking to a schedule and paying attention to details as well as passing up opportunities to socialize and being disorganized or scattered, I ‘may appear haphazard to some people’. So, this is apparently frustrating to others… sorry guys, I am working on it? My strengths however are keeping an open flow of communication and not getting discouraged easily. I also ‘feel very comfortable and energized when performing in front of a group of people.’ I also have a spontaneous streak, am unconventional and I am a rule bender.

So… there ya have it, the world according to Erin Walker, it is kind of strange isn’t it? But these tests were SO true about me, which was what made it pretty interesting and entertaining as well.

processing

So... candidate school.... woah -- it was so wonderful. My expectations were totally met and yet it was not at all what I expected?? I will be trying to process some of what happened the last 2 weeks because it was HUGE in my life. The greatest thing that happened was a lot of healing and freedom and maybe for the first time in my life really KNOWING who I am. It is funny that I pride myself on being overly self-aware and yet the me I discovered was not who I thought I was at all.
I realized that I saw myself as a sinner trying to be good instead of seeing myself under the grace that God has given me. Who you think you are dictates your thoughts, words, actions and all sorts of things. I wasn't living in the freedom that God gives to His children because in my heart I couldn't see myself the way that He sees me. I can't explain in words the liberation and brokenness of truly seeing myself. Here is something God spoke to me and I wrote about it ...

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18"

The me He sees

I know you can't always see in yourself what is so obvious to others.
Your perception is muddied with stains of past sin and lies you believed.
What you believe about yourself flows out in your words, actions, and thoughts.
We've got to clean this up -- I want you to see with clarity the me that I see in you.
I give you this mirror that is the reflection of My glory -- so you can take a good look at yourself now.
Can you see the transformation My child?
The way My beauty and My being are alive inside of you?
You are My beloved, clothed in dignity and strength. I take great delight in you just as you are, My very own creation.
Do not regard yourself according the the flesh any longer, no -- your worth is far more than any earthly treasure.
You are precious, you are beautiful, you are captivating and I treasure you.
Nothing will ever be more true about you than the me that I see.... I love you Erin

Please Pray!

So, it is only day 3 at candidate school, but it has been SOOOOO good, truly. I am not ready to process everything yet and don't think that I need to at this point. I would just ask you to pray. I really sense that this is going to be a time of deep healing, affirmation, and refinement in my life. I was just confronted earlier today about my lack of belief, in that I don't really believe God to heal the deepest hurts and fears in my life but I long for that so deeply. So, there is much hope and I am excited about the days ahead. Isn't it wonderfully beautiful that we are CONTINUALLY transformed into the image of Jesus actually sharing in His glory?! Well, this is all for now. Thanks for your prayers

chirp... chirp...

or if you are in Corpus right now buzzzz (mosquitoes) or if you are living in my house in Waco right now gakzzp (whatever noise cockroaches make)... ewww... okay anyway the point of that is supposed to be silence. This is way too many words already to talk about silence -- reasons I am not good at this.
So, I've been pretty convicted over the last month about the ammount of stuff that comes out of my mouth that is so unnecessary or just prideful. I've never experienced this kind of unbridgable gap between my heart and my mind. I KNOW and desire to believe with every ounce of myself that the only way to freedom and the ultimate joy in Christ will be through death and surrender to myself and yet my flesh rebels against that ohhhhh ALL the time.
"We must seek a humility that rests in nothing less than the end and death of self; that gives up all the honor of men, as Jesus did, to seek the honor that comes from God alone; that absolutely makes and considers itself nothing so that God may be all, so that the Lord alone may be exalted." - Andrew Murray
Cognitively I am like "and a hearty AMEN to that" but my attitude and behavior still say that not only am I not dead, but I have some unmet expectations that I need to talk to you about... where is the disconnect? I wish I knew. It has certainly brought lots of humiliation though to continually fail at my attempts to be humble, but I would rather lay it all out there and get it out then let it grow and feed itself secretly.
"What a solemn thought, that our love for God will be measured by our everyday fellowship with men and the love it displays. How solemn that our love for God will be found to be a delusion, unless its truth is proved in standing the test of daily life with our fellowmen." - Murray
So... fellowmen, I am really sorry and God is seriously doing some work in my heart right now and I am working on thinking before I speak instead of that simultaneous thing that seems to happen. God has also been giving me an abundance of grace that has probably always been there, I just didn't want it before, to be accepting and loving (when I choose that).
It is a journey, like anything worth having, and I am still learning and struggling a lot, but I really do desire to honor God in my speech and thoughts .... so I will be putting the 'things I think you should change about yourself' list next to the 'reasons I am better than you' list in the 'big, fat, ugly, lie closet' (anyone? anyone?)
" Truly, truly, I say to you, Unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life looses it, and hw who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal." John 12:24-25

july 4th

tomorrow will mark the first July 4th I've spent in the country in a long time ... naturally, this got me thinking, and well, here ya go.

I want to truly honor my country today, not write her off or blindly pledge allegiance.
Being patriotic isn’t about colors, fireworks, or picnics outdoors.
For me it is about owning my country and taking responsibility.
I am in the top 2% of the world that gets to go to college – therefore, I must educate myself and those around me.
My country is less than 10% of the world’s population consuming 2/3 of its resources. We have taken on a great responsibility as consumers whether we want it or not.

Because our consumer culture is spreading like wildfire around the globe, America can ‘afford’ to pay less than a living wage to over 60% of its workforce, ensuring that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
And every time we get to spend less money on things because someone isn’t getting paid a living wage – they are laying down their lives for us. Meanwhile, we just keep feeding the machine by demanding lower prices for our food and name brands while children and adults are enslaved so we can wear a ‘swoosh’ on our shoe or drink more coffee while the kids get beaten and the bean harvester can’t feed his family.

We have enough literacy and technology and available resources to know what we are responsible for … so why don’t we care?
What are we saying as the most powerful and ‘liberated’ nation in the world if 852 million people went hungry in 2002, (this rate only mildly improved today) and it wasn’t just across the ocean. Hunger and poverty is in every backyard of America with 36 million going hungry every year right here at home.
We have the cure you know? With the $13 billion we spend every year feeding our pets we could provide basic health care and nutritional needs for the world’s poorest people.
The world looks on America as a Christian nation and I have to wonder if Jesus would be ashamed. What about us? Are we ashamed?

We are truly a great and powerful nation… but what is the point of claiming our citizenship here on earth if we are not going to use it to further the Kingdom of God here? We could have been born in some ghetto of Africa, but we weren’t and for that we are responsible to the Lord. America is not my right … what do I have that God did not give to me? Christians of America we have a great responsibility to Jesus Christ and to the world to prove them wrong about us.

After the Holocaust, the wars, Rwanda, Darfur, and now Iraq – the world wants to know if America has any morals, any love, any standards? We do, I know we do and every voice, every whisper for truth and justice speaks louder than MTV or violence. I do not despise my country, I love her and I love justice and mercy. I hope and pray that this will be the generation that rises up to stand for Truth and Love and takes ownership of the world as Bonhoeffer described it -- “The concrete sphere of responsibility given to us by and in Jesus Christ.

“Now will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night and will He delay long over them? I tell you that he will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” Luke 18:7-8