100 miles of brokeness

I feel I must preface this with a warning that this is pretty fresh, unguarded pain and I'm never quite sure how to articulate it, but this is my best effort.
On the drive this morning from Austin to Waco, a measly 101 miles, I had some really significant time with Jesus and just felt compelled to share about it.
A little background: this has been a really lonely season of life for me. I've probably cried about it weekly or at least bi weekly for almost a year. I know that God created each of us as relational beings and as such he made a place for us to dive deeply into community together and love each other well. I desire that so deeply, especially after having experienced several life shaping years of intimate, spiritual community. I've felt for some time that God has intentionally placed me in this lonely season not only to refine me, but also to prepare me. I know it is His mercy that loves enough to give us the best instead of just good or fine. In Iraq I will not have the wealth of relationships and options for community that I have here and this loneliness is good preparation for what is ahead. Even though I have acknowledged that for some time, I have not up to this point been able to accept that. I have kept my fists closed on my own desires and refused to accept God's provision for the moment. I've been convicted of this several times but have never really repented until today. God showed me how self has been a joy-stealer. I've been unhappy and hurt and a lot of other things for a REALLY long time and I didn't have to be - I chose that. Why would you choose something like that?! What person in their right mind would choose to feel miserable when they could choose joy?! The enemy is so crafty and is always looking for ways to steal, kill, and destroy. I became so focused on the lack of community I was experiencing and how everyone had let me down that it became all about me and feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't feeling loved or valued. As I opened up my heart to really listen to what God was saying today and let him hold me and show me his heart for me I realized that I had been looking to the world to fill me and bring me joy. God gave me this picture of me sticking rocks in my mouth and sucking on them trying to get water to quench my thirst, all the while I am sitting by a beautiful, freshwater stream. What an idiot right?! Rocks aren't going to produce water that will satisfy me, and that's a lot of unfruitful work when there is a stream of water that is available. I wonder how often we do that? Suck on rocks when we could drink from the stream - the world will never be able to fill me and produce lasting joy in my heart. That doesn't mean that my desire for community is bad - it is in fact a God given desire. But, my inability to accept God's provision for the time being, which is not the community I would prefer, is a joy killer and a rock sucker. God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want, he doesn't always give us everything we think we need, but He is always who He says He is and He keeps every single promise every day. That's enough for me today. So take it from me, put down the rocks that you want to satisfy you and drink deeply from the stream that actually will!

Dream last night

So, last night I had a dream that I was Jim from the office. We had just finished 'skills testing' in the office. It was this random test that was supposed to showcase the special skills that we each had so that we could work more effectively together. (Should have been the first indicator that this was in fact a dream)
Well, I was Jim in this dream, and his highest scoring skill was 'covert hiding'. Meaning that due to his lanky stature he could hide in lots of places and not be seen. Dwights highest scoring skill was 'covert operations discovering', meaning that he could thwart the plans of any undercover operations going on.
Sidenote: in my dream Jim & Dwight are both dressed like they usually are with their normal voices and mannerisms.
So, after Michael reveals the office skills, Jim and Dwight have some friendly banter about how Jim's score was higher therefore proving that Dwight couldn't find him if he hid from him rendering Dwight's skill useless. So, Dwight starts counting to 10 and I (Jim) start running to find a place to hide. Now we aren't in the office anymore and are in my old house that I grew up in and I'm looking for a place to hide and realizing that I'm so freaking tall that it's hard to hide anywhere and I'm beginning to question whether I tested correctly. I end up locking the side door to gain some more time and hiding in the pantry. However, my shoes were so big that they stuck out from behind the shelf and Dwight found me. I don't really remember what happened after that?
I'm not sure what that dream means - I haven't even watched the office recently! It was funny though that even in my dream the charaters were the same.

Things he Loves

Chelsea tagged me on this. Jen, I know you tagged me on that other husband thing... but that requires a cooperative husband - so far, no luck. So, in no particular order, here are most of the things Jeff loves:


Jeff loves to cook out and happens to be the best griller I've ever known! It's true. He would LOVE to have a grill like this some day!


He loves to hunt! Which also encompasses his love of weapons. Which has spurred my love for gun safes.


He also loves the stock market...this is kind of a love/hate relationship really. Like yesterday...yikes!


Jeff loves dogs! Especially big, cuddly ones or cute little ones that will become really big ones. The tiny dogs kind of scare him - sort of like babies.


Jeff loves tile showers. He has always wanted one and I'm pretty sure already has designed most of the elements of our future house in his head. We won't live there for another 10 years or so - but he's totally into all that stuff.


He loves his friends and hanging out with all of them. If you're not pictured you are still loved.


Jeff loves fishing! He and his dad used to go every Saturday morning when he was growing up.


He loves ice cream - more than anyone I've ever known...really.



Jeff loves to go to the movies, watch movies, he loves movies on sale, $0.50 Tuesday at the dollar movies. He loves all things movies!


He loves his truck! Really, he loves most trucks.



Jeff loves his family!


Jeff loves him some Dallas Cowboys!


And last but not least, he loves MEEEEEE!

ummm...what?!

I've been off and on studying the arabic alphabet for about a year. You really can't off and on study ANYTHING well for a year especially the arabic alphabet. So, really, what I've been doing is going over and over the basics trying to gain a basic understanding of word structure and letter formation and the shapes of the letters. There are 29 letters in the Arabic alphabet, and for 8 of them there is no sound in the English language that is even equivalent to the sound that this letter makes. That baffles me... and kind of discourages this beginner.

The other thing that makes learning the alphabet seem insurmountable is that the letter changes depending on it's location. Like, if it is at the end of a word it looks different than if it is in the middle or at the beginning, so you have to be able to recognize the basic structure of the letter before you can even begin trying to connect it to another letter to form a word. My previous language learning experience has not proved to be of any value yet because I've always had some kind of framework for understanding 'Oh, that's like this thing is in English.' Not so with Arabic. But, I'm eager to start learning Kurdish and hope that at least being able to recognize letters when I get there - even if I have no idea what word it is forming, will help me adjust more smoothly.

Did I mention that you read and write right to left? I will certainly count it a miracle and mercy of God if I can master the alphabet before we leave for Iraq - that is my goal anyway. I'll let you know how it's going, don't expect me to write you letter in Arabic or anything, but I might be able to write the alphabet for you!

200th post

Wow... I wish I had something more important to say. I just logged on to tell you about my new favorite product and realized that this is my 200th post. I momentarily considered trying to come up with something cooler to say, then I decided that would require a lot more time than I was intending to take. So on to the actual content of this post...

Downy Simple Pleasures laundry detergent!!!


I know this is going to make me sound kind of crazy, but I first smelled this on someone else's clothes like 3 months ago and was like "What IS that? I need that perfume." First, this was my sister so it wasn't like I was smelling some random person. When she told me it was her detergent I made her describe in detail the bottle but then she told me it was kind of expensive. So, I never bought any but made sure to tell Jeff that if he got some I would want to do laundry all the time! He looked at it at the store a few months ago and smelled it and told me it smelled too 'purple'. Well the other night he came home and surprised me with flowers and this laundry detergent!!! I think I was equally excited about both! I've been doing laundry today and I just have to say that this lavender and vanilla scent makes me feel REALLY happy and makes me want to do lots of laundry! I know Jeff's not thrilled about his clothes smelling 'purple' but I think this 'purple' smell is kind of magical. Well, back to the laundry...

Nobody's Got it All Together

Rarely do I love an entire album or does it so fully speak to where I am in my life. I've been listening to Jill Phillips latest 'Nobody's Got it all Together' album on repeat and it is awesome! Really, I can't get enough of it. It says exactly how my heart is feeling and when I can put music and words to those feelings it is really freeing! I downloaded this album for FREE here. They have a lot of other really great music too. Go there, today, it is good for your soul.

Woo Hoo!

Great news! Jeff & I both have part time jobs!!! I am continually amazed at God's faithful provision.... and humbled by my less than faithful belief in Him. God really is who he says he is - nothing groundbreaking, but still it is easy to allow myself to be burdened by the dailyness of life and forget the big picture of God's greatness and goodness. I still marvel at how much he loves us and wants to provide for us - maybe not always when and how we ask him to - but he actually delights to be our Provider...

So, about the jobs! I will be going back to work at Farmers Insurance every afternoon from 1-5 and babysitting for a family from the church a few nights a week. Jeff will be working at a bank as a personal banker part time! Thank you all for your prayers for us and glory be to God who gives us every good thing!