One of the fun things for me about Candidate School was that we got to take all these personality inventories and different psychological evaluations that served to tell us more about who we are and how God has made us. I learned some valuable stuff about myself and my strengths and weaknesses. I think this stuff is so cool and totally love it, so if you know what you are, tell me!
I am an extreme personality… this is probably obvious to most of you, but on these tests I was not moderately anything, I was all the way there or not there at all. My dot was on the edge of the circle or my line way out there, you get the picture.
I am an ENFP, which stands for Extroversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving. As far as my E goes, I like to initiate with people, I am very expressive (characterized by: ‘may sometimes wonder whether you’ve talked too much or said inappropriate or perhaps embarrassing things’), I am Gregarious- Intimate meaning I like both kinds of interactions, I am also active-reflective in that I like contact with people but also like to have my space to process stuff. I am also very enthusiastic. My N, for intuition was very strong, meaning I am not at all sensing (concrete, realistic, practical experiential, traditional). So, this means that I am abstract, imaginative, conceptual, theoretical and original meaning ‘you would rather figure out your own way than read the directions’… ummm yeah, I throw the box away without even taking out the directions.
The F is for feeling which I was either all the way there or totally on the other side. I am all the way empathetic, compassionate, and accepting. However, I am out of preference for feeling in that I am also questioning (‘are typically tactful but can be skeptical, confrontational, and outspoken’) and a combination of the tough-tender.
My P is also all perceiving and no judging. This means that I prefer flexibility and spontaneity and not decisiveness and closure. I ‘like to wait, see what happens, and then wing it.’
So, things this helped me learn about myself and how I relate to others… while I feel like I am really open minded, I really do tend to respond to people pretty universally from my own limitations of how I function best. I really need to limit my expressiveness sometimes to those who appreciate my style and be okay when people don’t appreciate it. I also need to start making some plans and working out the details earlier.
There was this other test we took to measure interpersonal skills and I had the HIGHEST score of the entire group… this means that I really value working with other people and want to be included, kind of want to have some control, and want affection. Apparently affection is my highest need and control is my lowest priority. So, while it will always be true about me that I value people and having relationships with people I am also learning a lot about building better boundaries in my friendships and releasing A LOT of expectations that I have for myself and others.
Lastly, we took this Team Dimensions Profile test to figure out what role we normally take on teams and I am an advancer leaning towards creativity. The definition of an advancer is those team members who communicate new ideas and carry them forward are advancers. They focus on the personal, interactive world of feelings and relationships. Advancers manage the human component of any solution, and they enjoy whipping up enthusiasm for a project. Apparently some of my challenges here are sticking to a schedule and paying attention to details as well as passing up opportunities to socialize and being disorganized or scattered, I ‘may appear haphazard to some people’. So, this is apparently frustrating to others… sorry guys, I am working on it? My strengths however are keeping an open flow of communication and not getting discouraged easily. I also ‘feel very comfortable and energized when performing in front of a group of people.’ I also have a spontaneous streak, am unconventional and I am a rule bender.
So… there ya have it, the world according to Erin Walker, it is kind of strange isn’t it? But these tests were SO true about me, which was what made it pretty interesting and entertaining as well.
8.11.2006
processing
So... candidate school.... woah -- it was so wonderful. My expectations were totally met and yet it was not at all what I expected?? I will be trying to process some of what happened the last 2 weeks because it was HUGE in my life. The greatest thing that happened was a lot of healing and freedom and maybe for the first time in my life really KNOWING who I am. It is funny that I pride myself on being overly self-aware and yet the me I discovered was not who I thought I was at all.
I realized that I saw myself as a sinner trying to be good instead of seeing myself under the grace that God has given me. Who you think you are dictates your thoughts, words, actions and all sorts of things. I wasn't living in the freedom that God gives to His children because in my heart I couldn't see myself the way that He sees me. I can't explain in words the liberation and brokenness of truly seeing myself. Here is something God spoke to me and I wrote about it ...
"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18"
The me He sees
I know you can't always see in yourself what is so obvious to others.
Your perception is muddied with stains of past sin and lies you believed.
What you believe about yourself flows out in your words, actions, and thoughts.
We've got to clean this up -- I want you to see with clarity the me that I see in you.
I give you this mirror that is the reflection of My glory -- so you can take a good look at yourself now.
Can you see the transformation My child?
The way My beauty and My being are alive inside of you?
You are My beloved, clothed in dignity and strength. I take great delight in you just as you are, My very own creation.
Do not regard yourself according the the flesh any longer, no -- your worth is far more than any earthly treasure.
You are precious, you are beautiful, you are captivating and I treasure you.
Nothing will ever be more true about you than the me that I see.... I love you Erin
I realized that I saw myself as a sinner trying to be good instead of seeing myself under the grace that God has given me. Who you think you are dictates your thoughts, words, actions and all sorts of things. I wasn't living in the freedom that God gives to His children because in my heart I couldn't see myself the way that He sees me. I can't explain in words the liberation and brokenness of truly seeing myself. Here is something God spoke to me and I wrote about it ...
"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18"
The me He sees
I know you can't always see in yourself what is so obvious to others.
Your perception is muddied with stains of past sin and lies you believed.
What you believe about yourself flows out in your words, actions, and thoughts.
We've got to clean this up -- I want you to see with clarity the me that I see in you.
I give you this mirror that is the reflection of My glory -- so you can take a good look at yourself now.
Can you see the transformation My child?
The way My beauty and My being are alive inside of you?
You are My beloved, clothed in dignity and strength. I take great delight in you just as you are, My very own creation.
Do not regard yourself according the the flesh any longer, no -- your worth is far more than any earthly treasure.
You are precious, you are beautiful, you are captivating and I treasure you.
Nothing will ever be more true about you than the me that I see.... I love you Erin
8.02.2006
Please Pray!
So, it is only day 3 at candidate school, but it has been SOOOOO good, truly. I am not ready to process everything yet and don't think that I need to at this point. I would just ask you to pray. I really sense that this is going to be a time of deep healing, affirmation, and refinement in my life. I was just confronted earlier today about my lack of belief, in that I don't really believe God to heal the deepest hurts and fears in my life but I long for that so deeply. So, there is much hope and I am excited about the days ahead. Isn't it wonderfully beautiful that we are CONTINUALLY transformed into the image of Jesus actually sharing in His glory?! Well, this is all for now. Thanks for your prayers
7.23.2006
chirp... chirp...
or if you are in Corpus right now buzzzz (mosquitoes) or if you are living in my house in Waco right now gakzzp (whatever noise cockroaches make)... ewww... okay anyway the point of that is supposed to be silence. This is way too many words already to talk about silence -- reasons I am not good at this.
So, I've been pretty convicted over the last month about the ammount of stuff that comes out of my mouth that is so unnecessary or just prideful. I've never experienced this kind of unbridgable gap between my heart and my mind. I KNOW and desire to believe with every ounce of myself that the only way to freedom and the ultimate joy in Christ will be through death and surrender to myself and yet my flesh rebels against that ohhhhh ALL the time.
"We must seek a humility that rests in nothing less than the end and death of self; that gives up all the honor of men, as Jesus did, to seek the honor that comes from God alone; that absolutely makes and considers itself nothing so that God may be all, so that the Lord alone may be exalted." - Andrew Murray
Cognitively I am like "and a hearty AMEN to that" but my attitude and behavior still say that not only am I not dead, but I have some unmet expectations that I need to talk to you about... where is the disconnect? I wish I knew. It has certainly brought lots of humiliation though to continually fail at my attempts to be humble, but I would rather lay it all out there and get it out then let it grow and feed itself secretly.
"What a solemn thought, that our love for God will be measured by our everyday fellowship with men and the love it displays. How solemn that our love for God will be found to be a delusion, unless its truth is proved in standing the test of daily life with our fellowmen." - Murray
So... fellowmen, I am really sorry and God is seriously doing some work in my heart right now and I am working on thinking before I speak instead of that simultaneous thing that seems to happen. God has also been giving me an abundance of grace that has probably always been there, I just didn't want it before, to be accepting and loving (when I choose that).
It is a journey, like anything worth having, and I am still learning and struggling a lot, but I really do desire to honor God in my speech and thoughts .... so I will be putting the 'things I think you should change about yourself' list next to the 'reasons I am better than you' list in the 'big, fat, ugly, lie closet' (anyone? anyone?)
" Truly, truly, I say to you, Unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life looses it, and hw who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal." John 12:24-25
So, I've been pretty convicted over the last month about the ammount of stuff that comes out of my mouth that is so unnecessary or just prideful. I've never experienced this kind of unbridgable gap between my heart and my mind. I KNOW and desire to believe with every ounce of myself that the only way to freedom and the ultimate joy in Christ will be through death and surrender to myself and yet my flesh rebels against that ohhhhh ALL the time.
"We must seek a humility that rests in nothing less than the end and death of self; that gives up all the honor of men, as Jesus did, to seek the honor that comes from God alone; that absolutely makes and considers itself nothing so that God may be all, so that the Lord alone may be exalted." - Andrew Murray
Cognitively I am like "and a hearty AMEN to that" but my attitude and behavior still say that not only am I not dead, but I have some unmet expectations that I need to talk to you about... where is the disconnect? I wish I knew. It has certainly brought lots of humiliation though to continually fail at my attempts to be humble, but I would rather lay it all out there and get it out then let it grow and feed itself secretly.
"What a solemn thought, that our love for God will be measured by our everyday fellowship with men and the love it displays. How solemn that our love for God will be found to be a delusion, unless its truth is proved in standing the test of daily life with our fellowmen." - Murray
So... fellowmen, I am really sorry and God is seriously doing some work in my heart right now and I am working on thinking before I speak instead of that simultaneous thing that seems to happen. God has also been giving me an abundance of grace that has probably always been there, I just didn't want it before, to be accepting and loving (when I choose that).
It is a journey, like anything worth having, and I am still learning and struggling a lot, but I really do desire to honor God in my speech and thoughts .... so I will be putting the 'things I think you should change about yourself' list next to the 'reasons I am better than you' list in the 'big, fat, ugly, lie closet' (anyone? anyone?)
" Truly, truly, I say to you, Unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life looses it, and hw who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal." John 12:24-25
7.03.2006
july 4th
tomorrow will mark the first July 4th I've spent in the country in a long time ... naturally, this got me thinking, and well, here ya go.
I want to truly honor my country today, not write her off or blindly pledge allegiance.
Being patriotic isn’t about colors, fireworks, or picnics outdoors.
For me it is about owning my country and taking responsibility.
I am in the top 2% of the world that gets to go to college – therefore, I must educate myself and those around me.
My country is less than 10% of the world’s population consuming 2/3 of its resources. We have taken on a great responsibility as consumers whether we want it or not.
Because our consumer culture is spreading like wildfire around the globe, America can ‘afford’ to pay less than a living wage to over 60% of its workforce, ensuring that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
And every time we get to spend less money on things because someone isn’t getting paid a living wage – they are laying down their lives for us. Meanwhile, we just keep feeding the machine by demanding lower prices for our food and name brands while children and adults are enslaved so we can wear a ‘swoosh’ on our shoe or drink more coffee while the kids get beaten and the bean harvester can’t feed his family.
We have enough literacy and technology and available resources to know what we are responsible for … so why don’t we care?
What are we saying as the most powerful and ‘liberated’ nation in the world if 852 million people went hungry in 2002, (this rate only mildly improved today) and it wasn’t just across the ocean. Hunger and poverty is in every backyard of America with 36 million going hungry every year right here at home.
We have the cure you know? With the $13 billion we spend every year feeding our pets we could provide basic health care and nutritional needs for the world’s poorest people.
The world looks on America as a Christian nation and I have to wonder if Jesus would be ashamed. What about us? Are we ashamed?
We are truly a great and powerful nation… but what is the point of claiming our citizenship here on earth if we are not going to use it to further the Kingdom of God here? We could have been born in some ghetto of Africa, but we weren’t and for that we are responsible to the Lord. America is not my right … what do I have that God did not give to me? Christians of America we have a great responsibility to Jesus Christ and to the world to prove them wrong about us.
After the Holocaust, the wars, Rwanda, Darfur, and now Iraq – the world wants to know if America has any morals, any love, any standards? We do, I know we do and every voice, every whisper for truth and justice speaks louder than MTV or violence. I do not despise my country, I love her and I love justice and mercy. I hope and pray that this will be the generation that rises up to stand for Truth and Love and takes ownership of the world as Bonhoeffer described it -- “The concrete sphere of responsibility given to us by and in Jesus Christ.
“Now will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night and will He delay long over them? I tell you that he will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” Luke 18:7-8
I want to truly honor my country today, not write her off or blindly pledge allegiance.
Being patriotic isn’t about colors, fireworks, or picnics outdoors.
For me it is about owning my country and taking responsibility.
I am in the top 2% of the world that gets to go to college – therefore, I must educate myself and those around me.
My country is less than 10% of the world’s population consuming 2/3 of its resources. We have taken on a great responsibility as consumers whether we want it or not.
Because our consumer culture is spreading like wildfire around the globe, America can ‘afford’ to pay less than a living wage to over 60% of its workforce, ensuring that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
And every time we get to spend less money on things because someone isn’t getting paid a living wage – they are laying down their lives for us. Meanwhile, we just keep feeding the machine by demanding lower prices for our food and name brands while children and adults are enslaved so we can wear a ‘swoosh’ on our shoe or drink more coffee while the kids get beaten and the bean harvester can’t feed his family.
We have enough literacy and technology and available resources to know what we are responsible for … so why don’t we care?
What are we saying as the most powerful and ‘liberated’ nation in the world if 852 million people went hungry in 2002, (this rate only mildly improved today) and it wasn’t just across the ocean. Hunger and poverty is in every backyard of America with 36 million going hungry every year right here at home.
We have the cure you know? With the $13 billion we spend every year feeding our pets we could provide basic health care and nutritional needs for the world’s poorest people.
The world looks on America as a Christian nation and I have to wonder if Jesus would be ashamed. What about us? Are we ashamed?
We are truly a great and powerful nation… but what is the point of claiming our citizenship here on earth if we are not going to use it to further the Kingdom of God here? We could have been born in some ghetto of Africa, but we weren’t and for that we are responsible to the Lord. America is not my right … what do I have that God did not give to me? Christians of America we have a great responsibility to Jesus Christ and to the world to prove them wrong about us.
After the Holocaust, the wars, Rwanda, Darfur, and now Iraq – the world wants to know if America has any morals, any love, any standards? We do, I know we do and every voice, every whisper for truth and justice speaks louder than MTV or violence. I do not despise my country, I love her and I love justice and mercy. I hope and pray that this will be the generation that rises up to stand for Truth and Love and takes ownership of the world as Bonhoeffer described it -- “The concrete sphere of responsibility given to us by and in Jesus Christ.
“Now will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night and will He delay long over them? I tell you that he will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” Luke 18:7-8
6.26.2006
Resources
I've been reading a lot of books lately about current social issues, some titles I recomend are:
The Revolution, a field manual for changing your world by: heather Zydek
The Irresistable Revolution by: Shane Claiborne
The End of Poverty by: Jeffrey Sachs
Nickeled and Dimed by: Barbara Ehrenrich
I've been doing a lot of research and there are some really incredible organizations out there and some really important ways we can get involved. I know it seems overwhelming to even do anything, so here are some easy ways to take a stand.
www.bloodwatermission.com
this organization was started by the lead singer of Jars of Clay and is commited to fighting the HIV/AIDS pandemic by building clean wells in Africa and fighting against poverty. Did you know that there are nearly 300 million people in Africa who do not have access to safe drinking water? Did you know that one U.S. dollar equals clean water for one African for an entire year?!
www.bread.org
bread for the world is a Christian organization seeking justice for the world's hungry people. Did you know that more than 852 million people in the world went hungry in 2002? Even in America 36 milion people went hungry. Did you know that the basic health and nutritional needs of the world's poorest people could be met for an additional $13 billion a year which is less than what the US and Europe spend on pet food each year.
www.ncadp.org
this is the website for the national coalition to abolish the death penalty. Tomorrow and Wednesday there are 3 men scheduled for execution and on this site you can send a letter to the government asking them to spare the lives of these men as well as send letters to the president as a man of faith to take a stand as a Christian against sending the message that any life is beyond redemption.
www.one.org
this campaign is about fighting global poverty and aids. Sign the declaration and send letters to our representatives lobbying for policies that support debt relief, aid, and other services to the poor worldwide.
There are hundreds of websites dedicated to loving others the way Jesus did. This isn't about patting ourselves on the back but about being reponsible for what the Lord has entrusted to us. What do we have that He did not give to us? And what do we have that should not be given back to Him? Let's learn together how we can actively care for our world and glorify the God who saves.
The Revolution, a field manual for changing your world by: heather Zydek
The Irresistable Revolution by: Shane Claiborne
The End of Poverty by: Jeffrey Sachs
Nickeled and Dimed by: Barbara Ehrenrich
I've been doing a lot of research and there are some really incredible organizations out there and some really important ways we can get involved. I know it seems overwhelming to even do anything, so here are some easy ways to take a stand.
www.bloodwatermission.com
this organization was started by the lead singer of Jars of Clay and is commited to fighting the HIV/AIDS pandemic by building clean wells in Africa and fighting against poverty. Did you know that there are nearly 300 million people in Africa who do not have access to safe drinking water? Did you know that one U.S. dollar equals clean water for one African for an entire year?!
www.bread.org
bread for the world is a Christian organization seeking justice for the world's hungry people. Did you know that more than 852 million people in the world went hungry in 2002? Even in America 36 milion people went hungry. Did you know that the basic health and nutritional needs of the world's poorest people could be met for an additional $13 billion a year which is less than what the US and Europe spend on pet food each year.
www.ncadp.org
this is the website for the national coalition to abolish the death penalty. Tomorrow and Wednesday there are 3 men scheduled for execution and on this site you can send a letter to the government asking them to spare the lives of these men as well as send letters to the president as a man of faith to take a stand as a Christian against sending the message that any life is beyond redemption.
www.one.org
this campaign is about fighting global poverty and aids. Sign the declaration and send letters to our representatives lobbying for policies that support debt relief, aid, and other services to the poor worldwide.
There are hundreds of websites dedicated to loving others the way Jesus did. This isn't about patting ourselves on the back but about being reponsible for what the Lord has entrusted to us. What do we have that He did not give to us? And what do we have that should not be given back to Him? Let's learn together how we can actively care for our world and glorify the God who saves.
6.21.2006
on the road again
well, sorry it's been so long since the last update. Apparently, I had this dream about having all this free time or something. I am in H-town now about to drive to New Jersey with my sister to get her moved in. So I drove a U-haul up here from Corpus and thought I was going to make it scott free when I backed OVER a 2 foot metal pole... I mean on top of it. The truck wouldn't even drive so we had to call a tow truck and get it to lift the truck up like an inch and move it over another inch. So, 1 metal pole, a pentecostal reverand, his friend the tow truck man, a few inches, and $80 later we were on our way again. When my dad asked what the moral of the story was I told him "never put a u-haul in reverse" ... I mean you can't see anything directly behind you unless it is at least 5 feet tall, that puts a lot of small people in danger.
I am really pumped about the road trip, I love being in the car, and my sister just made her first big purchase and got herself a brand new 2006 Jetta with xm radio and lots of other shiny things. Haha, we both graduate and she buys herself a car and I buy myself a laptop, we're in totally different ball games here!
Been doing a lot of summer reading. I read 'The Poisonwood Bible' by: Barbara Kingsolver, and that is a really great book, I really enjoyed it as a work of fiction. I also read 'To Own a Dragon' by: Donald Miller and that was also a good book... not my favorite of his, but that's probably because he wrote it to guys without dads.
I am currently reading 'Nickled and Dimed" by: Barbara someone and "Humility" by: Andrew Murray. I think everyone in America should have to read Nickled and Dimed, I am not really sure how you enforce that other than giving everyone a copy at their birth and letting them know there will be a mandatory test at age 15 or something. But seriously, it is a really great book for helping to learn about the economic system in America and the low wage system. The Murray book is INCREDIBLE. The biggest sin I struggle with daily (as everyone who knows me on any level can attest to) is pride and this book has been sooooooooooo great in unpacking humility in the life of Jesus. It has brought such freedom and joy and I am only on chapter 4. I wish I could make a mandatory reading list and force read people -- unrealistic? Maybe... well, gotta run but hopefully it won't be so long before my next update. If you haven't seen me in a while here's a pic from this summer annnnnnnd just wanted to let everyone know I am going to dinner at the melting pot tomorrow night!!! I've never been.... real excited though!
I am really pumped about the road trip, I love being in the car, and my sister just made her first big purchase and got herself a brand new 2006 Jetta with xm radio and lots of other shiny things. Haha, we both graduate and she buys herself a car and I buy myself a laptop, we're in totally different ball games here!
Been doing a lot of summer reading. I read 'The Poisonwood Bible' by: Barbara Kingsolver, and that is a really great book, I really enjoyed it as a work of fiction. I also read 'To Own a Dragon' by: Donald Miller and that was also a good book... not my favorite of his, but that's probably because he wrote it to guys without dads.
I am currently reading 'Nickled and Dimed" by: Barbara someone and "Humility" by: Andrew Murray. I think everyone in America should have to read Nickled and Dimed, I am not really sure how you enforce that other than giving everyone a copy at their birth and letting them know there will be a mandatory test at age 15 or something. But seriously, it is a really great book for helping to learn about the economic system in America and the low wage system. The Murray book is INCREDIBLE. The biggest sin I struggle with daily (as everyone who knows me on any level can attest to) is pride and this book has been sooooooooooo great in unpacking humility in the life of Jesus. It has brought such freedom and joy and I am only on chapter 4. I wish I could make a mandatory reading list and force read people -- unrealistic? Maybe... well, gotta run but hopefully it won't be so long before my next update. If you haven't seen me in a while here's a pic from this summer annnnnnnd just wanted to let everyone know I am going to dinner at the melting pot tomorrow night!!! I've never been.... real excited though!
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