Michelle's Visit

here are some pics from when my favorite Michelle came to visit.

rebel continued...

So, after I wrote my last post about being rebellious and was really broken over all of that junk in my heart that had totally deceived me. It is a long story but the point is that rebellion is a heart attitude that affects everything. I feel like I've gotten a lot 'softer' over the last few years when it comes to being moldable and responding to God's call. However, when I allow that rebellion to surface in my heart it doesn't just capture part of me but becomes a heart condition. The good news is that Jesus is victorious and has redeemed my life from rebellion -- right now. I can choose to live in that victory daily, but man, the consequences of letting that little seed grow are huge. Anyway, this is the verse that God gave me about rebellion the other night.

Let not the rebellious exalt themselves...for you O God have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs, you let men ride over our heads; we went through the fire and through the water yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance...come and hear all you who fear God and I will tell what he has done for my soul. Psalm 66:7,10-12,16

So, even after this I didn't feel like I was ready to be able to testify to what God did in my soul... I still felt like someone grieving. Anyway, the next day I went to the lake for my lunch break to just listen and this is what came out:

Just one more day I need to stay
Before I can go to where I don’t know.
Just more time to be here with you
And then I’ll be ready to face all that’s new
… or is that really true?
What is one more when a million more will never be enough?
To make me feel secure, ready, strong and tough.
Because the truth is that I am so afraid
Afraid to fail- afraid it’s not worth the price I’ve paid.
I still want to go and join God over there
But after I am done here and don’t really care.
It honors our Father when we choose to obey
Against our own wishes and still stand to say
'Not my will but yours be done.’ In my heart
Remove every seed of rebellion, not just in part.
This confession is god’s mercy to me
Because I know through him I am free
Free to die and live like it is gain
Free to submit to the name above every name.

After this I still felt like, well it rhymes but I am not fully there yet. And I just decided that is okay. I've found that obedience is about little simple 'yes's' and once you choose to obey God gives the grace to make it easier or just make it okay. I still feel great hope and excitement about moving overseas, I also still don't feel ready... but I do fully desire to be obedient and that means being urgent in my departure date. I don't want to be a rebel, I want to be meek.

rebel without a cause

So... this is me. God has been continuing to show me all the areas of my life that have this heart attitude of rebellion. It is ridiculous, I mean someone give me a harley and a bad boy in a leather jacket already!!! Somewhere along the way (I haven't pin pointed it yet) I believed the lie that I know better than other people. Hence the pride that I struggle with daily. There was this little seed of rebellion that I watered and nutured and let grow into this terrible spirit of pride and self righteousness. Now isn't that attractive? Who wouldn't want a lil piece of that?
God is authority. To know that He really does hold the world in His hands and have total and undivided authority over everything on the earth -- this is freedom. Out of this knowledge I am free to submit to ANY earthly authority because Jesus is the one who is in authority. It is NOT my job to decide who is good and who is evil and what is right and what is wrong. God has given me this deep sense of justice in my heart. I mean really, injustice stirs me up more than just about anything. When I was in 5th grade I was on a few news stations for starting a red cross drive at my school and then in 6th grade I wrote and editorial in the local paper about gang violence. haha -- I've always felt this urging to rise up and DO something about the things I think are wrong. I've never been one to sit by and let it happen without at least slandering some people.
God is bringing about this brokenness in my heart that says 'To You Jesus, I submit everything - You are authority and I choose to honor you in the people you have placed in authority.' See, God didn't make me the pastor, the teacher, the police officer ... whoever it is that God has delegated His authority to that I want to criticize.... it wasn't me. God uses both good and evil men, that is his deal, my deal is to obey.
I still struggle with this, I don't feel right now like there is this peace allowing me to quietly choose submission. I still get all riled up on Sunday mornings and have to choose to pray instead of slander. But seriously, who do I think I am? Do I not have those same things inside of me that I can detest so easily in others?
God be gracious to me, the biggest sinner I know... Help me submit to your authority in the world instead of trying to judge them..... that's all I got tonight, just needed to say these things 'out loud'.... if you see me being a rebel without a cause, heck, even if there is a cause, smack me -- hard.

Living More With Less

I've been spending this month meditating on, learning about, and trying to practice simplicity in my life. First of all let me dismiss the myth that living more simply is simple because that is just not true. It takes a lot of intention, time, and discipline. Because our world is so fast paced, convenient, and impersonal, trying to go against the flow is really hard! I got this book, 'Living More With Less' and have read about half of it so far. It is really incredible, it was written by a Mennonite woman who compiled stories and testamonies from around the globe of people who have chosen simplicity out of their desire to honor Christ in all things. One of the biggest things so far that this book has helped me hold onto is that my life, my every day decisions make a WORLD of difference. I am not going to change the world by my life and that is not the point; but every time I choose to do something like walk instead of drive, buy with integrity by not giving money to companies that don't pay their laborers a living wage or have poor working conditions, or the thousands of other choices I make that honor others and God above myself and my comfort -- this is obedience. The earth is the Lord's and all it contains -- this means something to me like it hasn't before. This is something I am still definately growing in, but it has been really freeing to let go of some of the things that I feel like I 'need' but really they only detract from the things that are better. I wrote this the other night as a kind of response to all these things that I am feeling and thinking.

One -- a single unit all alone
self contained and fulfilled
not knowing others or being known.
I don't need you in order to be me
I already decided who I am
and I am just fine -- can't you see?

'How appalling!' -- 'Why, how rude!'
'that is not me' we say assuredly.
But lives may say otherwise from our clothes to our food.
My momentary choices may seem small
like how I spend my time
or the things that I buy at the mall.

We are consumers and as such we say
who and what we stand for
in our manner of living every day.
I can't quite wrap my mind around
how my choices will affect the world
when they don't feel heavy or make a sound
It's not that I am so important and neat
but that I am not an island, so
when I take what could be yours it makes me a cheat.

To love mercy and do justice is no simple task
It takes awareness, intention, and death to myself.
But then, united, we can in God's glory bask!
I need you so I can be a better me,
because without you my joy is incomplete.
Thank you Jesus for the global Body that can't work independently.

My Friend

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine... it is not so much a story as it is quotes from him and dialogue about his life. He is an encouragement to me because God has really changed him and with every letter I get from him I am more convinced of this. Briefly, his story is kind of like this: he was on the streets for a while and had done some time in jail and then got out of jail and was back on the streets and that was when I met him about 7 months ago. He was real tough and had a big chip on his shoulder to just about everyone. Me and my roommates started spending some time with him and getting to know him and his story. He lived with a prostitute for 10 years and had been into drugs and alcohol and was just dissatisfied with life. He was very hungry for God and we talked a lot about it and went to church together whenever we could. Well, one day he decided to turn himself in even though he had found a job and a place to stay he felt like that was what he needed to do to be obedient to God since he had money he owed for probation. So, he went to jail about 5 months ago. I got to go visit him a feew times before I left for the summer and even though he had some encouraging things to say about God sometimes I felt like overall he still wasn't getting it and was getting way too caught up in me and my roommates. The letters I got from him at first were kind of disturbing and inappropriate. We kept writing all summer and he went to the state prison about a month ago. It was maybe the best thing that ever happened to him. Since he has been in prison and unable to have visitors and has had regular chapel services God has really transformed him. I got a letter from him today and we wrote this: "Bless you prison, for having been in my life, for it is here that I have learned that the meaning of earthly existence lies, not as we have grown used to thinking, in prospering, but in the development of the soul. Bless you prison, for it is here that I learned to see justice in the way that Amos and Micah and Jeremiah and Isaiah saw it." He also quoted Joseph somebody and wrote this: "I need courage not just because I may fall on my face or worse but others seeing me a sorry spectacle if it should happen will say ' he didn't know what he was doing' or, 'he's foolhardy.' When it comes right down to it Lord, I choose to be your failure before anyone else's success. Keep me from reneging on my choice."
My friend has also been quoting whole chapters from the Bible that he's been reading and what God is speaking to Him. It is just real exciting to see where God has brought him and the ways that God loves and redeems life even when it may seem unredeemable. That is why I want to abolish the death penalty.... but that is another soapbox. =o)

Living is Simple

My spiritual discipline for the week is simplicity. I decided one of my goals (note: I set goals! and liked it) this year is to pick a different discipline every week and spend that week studying and practicing it. So, here are some thoughts so far on simplicity. This is about keeping the main thing the main thing. I didn't realize how many other things there are constantly asking for attention or innocently distracting, but seriously if Jesus is the main thing (which He is) then he needs to stay there. It really is crazy the amount of identity that I let get wrapped up in things like what I own and where I am going. I even tend to characterize people by their choice in style or the places that they go, things they spend their money on. When did these things become a means of identity? So, this week is about getting back to my roots and staying there. Why do I complicate life with things that are so unnecessary? The reason we ( I am speaking for the vast majority of humanity... I realize this is something one should not take lightly) are so stressed out and busy is so self-imposed; we choose to complicate our lives with little electronic devices that allow people to constantly be in contact with us and we have a constant flow of largely useless information. Why do we do this to ourselves? I do it to myself everyday. I am choosing this month to limit my internet/phone time, not do any shopping (except for food), keep track of everything I spend money on, intentionally limit my choices of food & clothing, and really pay attention to what I allow to come out of my mouth so that my 'yes' and 'no' are legit. The scripture God really used to convict me about this as well as really confirm in my heart the holiness and necessity of simplicity is Phillipians 4: 10-20.

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

I think a lot of my speech comes out of want, and I am eager to learn what it means to truly live simply in heart, mind, and body.

The World

I've been praying about the world and the things going on the world a lot lately. I've been asking God to show me His heart and give me that same heart. I tend to get so riled up about world happenings that I can't see things with spiritual eyes and all I see is injustice and it makes me real angry. Anyway, this week it was cool to finally connect with God's heart and just find rest in claiming His ultimate justice and infinite understanding, because seriously... I just don't get it. Here is some Scripture that really helped me understand who God is in the world:
The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; he frustrates the plans of the peoples. the counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations... the Lord looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man, from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds. The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation and by its great might it cannot rescue ... our soul waits for the Lord he is out hope and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you. Psalm 33:10-11, 13-22.

The picture is a painting I did this summer as just an expression of where God was directing my heart and thoughts and the things I know that He loves and cares about. Sooooo... there ya go